Friday, June 05, 2009

This Week, I Have Been:

A - Applying. Suncream. Furiously. The other day I went to the park to sunbathe, but slathered my skin in so much factor thirty that I think I came back whiter than I was when I left. Somehow it actually soaked in so that even with my freckles I look like I have just been spattered with white paint.

B - Basking. In the knowledge that in a few months I won't have to worry too much about money for a little while. I am to be a music practitioner in a primary school for the rest of term, which means that every Monday I get the bus to Burnley to spend the day working with a drama practitioner, two teachers and lots of small, eager people (children, not dwarfs).

C - Calculating. What I will be able to buy! Then quickly reminding myself that I will only cover some rent for a few months, but then going back to typing How Much Do Glittery Ponies Cost? into Google.

D - Drinking. Beers in the sun. Wine with dinner. Endless coffee at work. Peppermint tea with my mate Jess in a shisha café round the corner. Earl Grey tea (no milk). Dark rum and ginger. Gin and tonic. Pint after pint of water.

E - Eating. I made spicy bean burgers last night. This was A Treat for Ben, because usually he is in charge of cooking. I am usually on washing-up duty, which is, as everyone knows, a really shit duty.

F - Furrowing. My brow. I am quite often confused.

G - Giggling. On the megabus a few weeks ago I happened to overhear (read: was eavesdropping intently) a conversation between the coach driver and a few of his colleagues who had joined us at Watford Gap to come the rest of the way to London. Their conversation was a delicious insight into the world of the long distance coach driver. Example 1:

Coach Driver 1: National Express? Nah mate. They don't have a clue.

Coach Driver 2: Yeah. They don't have a clue. I was following a National Express coach round Buckingham Palace the other day. He didn't have a clue.

Coach Driver 1: (chuckles, and nods knowingly) Yeah. They don't have a clue.

Can anyone spot the lesson learned here?

Example 2:

Coach Driver 2: What you have right here is fifteen metres of heavy metal underneath you.

Coach Driver 3: Yeah. We are heavy metal.

Coach Driver 2: (sagely) The ultimate.


Coach driver 2 is also the only person I have ever encountered who has used the word "phwoar" without even a trace of irony.

H - Hurting.
I walk everywhere. EVERYWHERE. (Alright, apart from when I got the coach down to London.) My back does not like this. It rebels.

I - Irritating. To walk along with, because of the above. It means that I have developed what I have termed Pain Tourettes, which involves yelping with pain at random, probably mid-sentence, and then carrying on as if nothing has happened. This is, I have been informed, rather disconcerting.

J - Joking. I have not, however, discovered any new jokes in quite a while. Anyone?

K - Knickerbocker Glorying.
We make them at the café where I work. They look amazing, but too much of a hassle to eat. Is this weird? Am I weird? Validate me?

L - Léonie-ing. I have been correcting people on the pronunciation of my name nearly every day. It is a problem which has jabbed me in the ribs on a regular basis for my whole life, but I failed to anticipate how much of an arse it would be on moving to a new city. I hate correcting people, it makes me feel like a twat, but I feel more of a twat when I meekly answer to Lee-OH-nie. Just call me Laney, I say. They nod, sure, and promptly forget. I feel guilty for adding to the no doubt terrible pressures of their everyday existence by expecting to be called by my correct name, so slink off into a corner and feel shit. They brightly beckon me over, sing-songing "Lee-OH-nie" at the top of their voices, at which point everyone else who might be on the brink of pronouncing it right quickly assumes they were wrong and joins in. "Lee-OH-nie". Oh God.

M - Murderous. See above.

N - Narcissistic. "Waah, nobody will pronounce words the way I WANT THEM TO. I am going to have a tantrum on my blog."

O - Oniony. A bit. It is tricky, because after finishing my shift at work I am allowed to make myself a delicious sandwich from the sandwich ingredients cabinet, and this usually leads to me lurching off with a bizarre concoction involving most of the options, sprinkled lavishly with red onion. Probably nobody else would touch it, declaring it "disgusting", maybe, or "an affront to sandwiches everywhere." I can't help it, though. I feel like a child making a sandwichy potion. Yum.

P - Percussive. Or at least I will be. One of the activities I plan to do as music practitioner is Musical Instrument Making. Pringles tubes with lentils, anyone? Ice cream tubs and foil?

Q - Quetzalcoatlus. Well, I'm not, but I wish I was, because isn't that a brilliant word? Although Quetzalcoatlus might be even more difficult to explain over the phone to complaints departments than Léonie.

R - Rained on. Well, this is Manchester. When I was coming back from work just now I passed a woman and a little boy cheerily waving at me from inside a phone box. Given that it has not yet stopped raining (an hour later), I am beginning to wonder whether perhaps I should take them a snack.

S - Singy. Well, yes. Much singing is taking place. Hurray!

T - Truthfully? A bit bored of this alphabet thing now.

U - Up Yours. Not you, no. Unless you are all the people I hated or felt belittled by when I lived in London and worked in shitty offices. Up yours if you are that short, arrogant, moron of a woman who fired me, or that loser recruitment consultant who make me feel like shit. Or many others whom I allowed under my skin, who thought that their way of living is the only valid one. You're wrong, dickheads.

V - Violent. I am beginning to worry. See above. Also I just threw the cat on the bed with a bit more enthusiasm than I had intended, and now he is looking at me, hurt, confused and a little bit cat-like.

W - Waiting. For Ben to finish his rehearsal and call me, so I know what time we're going out later.

X - X-tremely. Tempted to move the letters on the Scrabble board he has carefully laid out. This would be naughty, as it is not just any game of Scrabble, oh no. It is For A Show about gangster Scrabble. I would be in trouble if I moved the letters, and assigned to washing up duty for the rest of my life. Much like Cinderella, except without the helpful fauna (the cat is not looking very keen) and nobility and good that will out in the end.

Y - Yeah. I just moved a letter.

Z - Zzz. If I pretend to have been asleep he will assume it was the cat.


Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Oh I have the Pain Tourettes. But as I am now "very pregnant" random exclamations of pain are not allowed without explanation or I get in trouble with Mr C. So I move, shout OW *insert swear word here* that hurts....oh um the foot in my rib / head and shoulder on my left hip / small person using my bladder as a trampoline (delete as appropriate).

I am really very pleased that the move to Manchester has worked out and that you are all happy and stuff. Treat yourself to the glittery pony, you deserve it.

7:53 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I love the sandwich potion! I put everything on my sammiches.. including red onions.. or any onions. But everything. It works.. especially if it's free. Saves you more money to buy glitter ponies! xo

12:25 am

Blogger Ellie said...

u r very b z

10:14 am

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that's a lot of stuff! I have mostly been sitting...that's all just sitting...or trying to do exercise...

2:14 pm

Blogger Ys said...

I am obsessed with red onion at the moment! I'm glad it's made it into your sandwich potion :)

And congrats on the job! It certainly sounds like it'll be interesting :)

12:03 pm

Blogger Wierdo said...

I can only imagine the fun with the sandwiches. The only similar(ish) fun that I've had is when I was moving home from unversity and had to use all my bubble baths (we have no baths at home). It was a lot of fun and I felt like a bubble bath wizard making a bubble bath potion.

The bath however was a little bit soapy

12:18 pm

Anonymous Rage Against The Dying of the Light said...

Very impressed that you got all the way to the end of the alphabet. Give yourself a prize.

1:40 pm

Anonymous dave said...

You wanted jokes?

Here's a favourite. It's quick as well!

Q. What is brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

(Well, it makes me laugh )

9:59 am

Blogger justme said...

All good. You are very patient got all the way to the end of the alphabet!
May many glitter ponies come your way.

12:12 pm

Blogger Jonathan said...

You write the best blog posts - and have the best ideas for them too - even if you did get bored by the time you got to T (I would have too).

I know the angry cat look well - our elderly cat (well... Wendy's cat) is in a permanent state of annoyance.

(ps sorry I haven't looking in on your blog for so long - I now have my Macbook back, so expect a deluge of comments, blog posts and other such idiocy from me)

8:52 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Little Miss Léonie, where have you gone? You never wait 2 months to post.. Did you get kidnapped by snappily dressed glitter ponies??!

3:15 pm

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2:03 pm


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