Thin (UPDATED)

Starting from today I am On A Diet.

I'm not overweight, and I have no pressing reason really to need to lose weight. I eat relatively healthily. I drink lots of water and do exercise except when it's really hot and there is no air-conditioning to be found except in shops and other people's offices.

However. I had a meeting on Saturday with the people I am doing the music video with and they want me to wear a £15,000 couture dress. Fifteen THOUSAND POUNDS. That is twenty-seven billion US dollars, or thereabouts. Fifty-five trillion Euros. I am determined to fit into that dress. I haven't tried it on, or even seen it, but the stylist thinks it is perfect. Elegant, glamourous and fashionable but classic. I can only assume it's made of pure gold, as on an average day my entire outfit usually costs about a tenner, including accessories.

Things I will not be doing from now until August 3rd:
1. Eating meat feast pizzas in bed before ten o'clock in the morning.
2. Eating the numerous cakes and treats that are constantly hanging around the office.
3. Drinking (much) alcohol.
4. Drinking less than twenty brazillion glasses of water a day.
5. Starving myself.

Well, I'm not stupid.

I have another meeting tonight for another project I am considering getting involved with. I am being taken for dinner to discuss things. Then on Friday I have another meeting. I hope they pay for the drinks (and by drinks I mean slimline water, perhaps with a twist). At some point I'll probably go into more detail about these things, but currently I'm a bit unsure of the details myself, and so am playing my cards close to my chest. By not getting excited about anything prematurely I am being careful, I won't get into anything that I am doubtful of, because I honestly don't think it's worth it. Contrary to how I might sometimes think, I have come a long way since I graduated two years ago, and I'm not about to compromise that just because someone talks big. Witness: Léonie, hardened.

My cello has been fixed, and is playable. I played it on Saturday, and it was so lovely to be able to pick it up and play. It's more of a physical memory than a cerebral one: I felt my fingers finding the notes and moving with increasing ease as I tentatively reached for the scales and melodies that used to be second nature. I can't wait to see where I can go with it.

This blog is now a Diet Blog.

Today I have eaten:

Some cereal
Water
Water
Water
Water
Water
Water
Water
Water
Peppermint tea


It's going well. I estimate that I have already lost about three stone. I am waif-like. Some might say gaunt.

If you have any dieting tips I would love to hear them, as I can't really seem to take it seriously. Everytime I hear people talk about fad diets I inwardly ridicule them, and quite rightly. People deserve to be fat if they decide to eat only grapefruit and gherkins for three weeks because they read about it in Heat magazine, only to find that, oh what a shock, it doesn't work out. I refuse to do anything like this, the Cabbage Soup Diet or the Atkins Diet or the Air Pie Diet or whatever. I am just being sensible.

However now I have decided to be On A Diet, all I can think about is eating, which cannot be constructive.

Also bad for dieting: Boyfriends. You didn't think I ate that meat feast pizza in bed before ten in the morning alone, did you? Boys, it seems, are fattening. Please nobody make any crude jokes about exercising, I have already considered and dismissed all of them.

I am off to the shops now to peruse the salads and feel in turns smug and hunger-stricken.


UPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATE

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to write about this, considering that it a) isn't really of any major consequence, and b) isn't really mine to write about.

Then I thought, well, it may not be of major consequence, but it is exactly the sort of thing I feel the need to write about. As for point b), I had a conversation and it cleared that bit up. So there is not really much holding me back, other than the dreaded fear of oversharing.

I just want to say that I know it's easy to take a high ground, if there's one kicking about. It's simple to dismiss something on the grounds that you wouldn't do it, that you would do things a different, better, and more appropriate way, if at all. It is easy to take that path, and there have been a few occasions in my life when I have been on both ends of that morality, when I have both judged and been judged.

It isn't easy, though, to remain compassionate and understanding of someone else's feelings when they are texting your boyfriend and asking him to come back to them.

Yes, well, I think if it hadn't been for the fact that the possibilty of them getting back together was the reason for things ending last time, I would have more compassion at my fingertips. I would be more able to feel sorry for her, and not to be thrown by it.

I'm sort of in two minds about how I feel about it. This ONE TEXT that means nothing.

On the one hand, whatever. As long as he wants to be with me, which he says he does and I believe him (oh, come on, the man's got eyes), then it makes no difference who texts him. It's like if he was jealous of men coming up to me in bars and attempting, well, anything. Provided I say 'no', there is no reason to be jealous, nothing to be upset or worried about. If he wants to be with me, then great, it makes no difference who pops up and "misses him". If he had wanted to go back to her he would've done. He isn't. That's all there is to it.

On the other hand I am less rational. Less cool. I want to slap her and tell her in no uncertain terms to fuck off, and stop being selfish. There is no way I would send a text out of the blue to an ex-boyfriend with whom I had broken up a year ago, to try to regain some power over him. If you are serious about propositioning someone, don't fucking do it in a text message. What this says to me is 'I'm bored, I feel like messing with your head', and I dislike people who do that. Dislike them immensely. Herein lies the 'holier than thou' dilemma I vaguely sounded off about previously. Perhaps I would send a discomfiting text at 2am, without knowing anything about what the other person was doing with their life now, to hint at a glorious reunion. I very much doubt it, though.

I'm not sure whether perhaps all this anger is about me being insecure that, as distasteful and pathetic as I think her action was, it might in some way win him over. That despite all reassurances to the contrary, he is secretly mulling over the possibility of taking her up on her offer. Who wouldn't feel like this, I suppose. History has taught me to be very, very wary of this particular segment of his past, and so wary I am being. I am somewhere between feeling that it is all alright, and being so filled with doubt that I want just to go home and for it all to go away.

It has suddenly occurred to me what this post is really saying. It is partly a derisive comment on somebody else's ill-advised actions that happened to affect me. It is partly just a rant. I think, though, it is mostly testament not to how much I dislike her, but to how much I feel for him. It isn't about taking the high-ground or being paranoid, it's just that I have suddenly realised how much I care for someone.

Holy shit. I cannot believe I'm writing this on the Internet.

I must go and find my cool, ice-queen exterior and return it to it's rightful place, stat.

(Oh, and by the way? I am strong. I broke someone's rib once. In self-defence, of course. But I'm just saying. Strong. Watch it.)