Friday, August 24, 2007

Back

I am home.

I write those words with no feeling of relief.

(I am tired and emotional.)

I loved being up at the Festival. Surrounded by people who place a high premium on passion, who don't demand explanations and insist on practicalities. At first I felt overwhelmed by my relative lack of success, but as I relaxed I began to feel inspired and buoyed by other people's drive to create and started to have a touch of faith in myself.

I boarded a train today at four o'clock this afternoon. Arrived home at about nine thirty.

During the journey I took out my notebook and wrote. Little scraps of poems, ideas of lyrics, disjointed lines of prose. I would write, then read for a bit. Stare out of the window for a while and then write a bit more.

Proudly wearing my re-found positivity like a shiny new pair of shoes I arrived home.

Within about half an hour it had gone. It had revealed itself to be just a piece of fickle nothingness, ready to be pierced by a single shard of negativity.

(Tired. Emotional. Did I mention?)

One argument, just a lack of understanding, and I rush to the computer with wet mascara picking out words of self-loathing on my cheeks.

Such a fucking drama queen.

Well I did have a wonderful time in Edinburgh. So many little wonderful times made one great big one.

Tomorrow I am going to Norfolk for the weekend to stay on a big farm and go to a party, so I can escape once again.

I am tired and emotional. I am going to bed.

74 Comments:

Anonymous number1hypocrite said...

<3

Chin up, Beautiful.

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Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Big hugs sweetie. Sounds like you have been burning the proverbial candle at both ends. Hope Norfolk recharges you.

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Blogger AFC 30K said...

I'm not a creative type, I'm a very, very practical Engineer, but I always crash when I come back from the festival.

I always feel set free from the the practical approach I must adopt everyday of my working live. In Edinburgh I can just do what I want and no one judges me, critisises me or mocks me. They accept me for who I am. They respect the fact that I am practical and not rib me for it as my friends sometimes do.

I generally spend a week there each year but not '06 or '07 due to the baby, but oh how I have missed it.

Every time we go Wifey and I dream of relocating, but I'm far to practical......

But remember, you know that you'll be back next year and the fun will start all over again.

You will perk up but I'm sure it will take a couple of weeks for you to emerge from the spirit of the fringe, so until then, smile and remember the fun you had, and the fun you will have next year.

4:21 pm

 
Blogger Ys said...

I'm sorry coming home was such a bummer. I find I often get like that after a really good time away, especially if home brings with it arguments. I hope Norfolk helps to get your mood back up again.

6:14 pm

 
Blogger Devil's Kitchen said...

Yes, I have crashed too and whilst I was glad to be back in the Smoke in many ways, half an hour on the Tube soon cured me of that!

Glad you had fun: as someone who lived there for ten years, I still feel sort of responsible for people enjoying themselves in what I still think of as "my city".

Have a good party and be rested and refreshed. Meanwhile, I am going to try to find myself a new liver...

DK

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Blogger Clarissa said...

The "real" world getting in the way of the muse. You have every right to be tired. And emotional. Of it all. x, c

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