Tuesday, July 08, 2008

My One Track Mind Thinks About Kittens

The other day I received my Fun Factory Semi-Realistic toy from the lovely people at Jo Divine , so I could get to work on my review.

I sat on the tube, hugging my cardboard box on my knees and trying to wipe the tiny smile from my face. Nobody, I knew, would be shocked or would even care what the innocuous-looking box contained, so it didn’t warrant even the smallest of scandalized eyebrow raises from me.

Once home I surveyed my gift. I felt that perhaps whipping out a notebook or small Dictaphone might make the whole process of reviewing a little too scientific, so I contented myself with inclining my head and placing my hands on my hips in a contemplative manner.

Good packaging, I thought. Very good. Discreet and secure, the nonchalant-looking Royal Mail return address sticker the only visible indication of origin. Even the address on that was a wholesome one, nothing at all to nudge an unsuspecting passer-by towards the truth of what lay inside.

I sliced open the masking tape, removed the plastic covering and held up my new friend.

‘Red’ and ‘rubbery’ were the first words that clambered unimaginatively into my brain. I inspected it a bit to work out where the batteries (which were, as promised, included) went before reluctantly consulting the instructions.

I then spent a while trying to detach the twisty end from the rest of it. This was trickier than I had hoped, and resulted in me flinging my toy across the room then sniggering to myself as I rummaged amongst clothes stacked up on my sofa, searching desperately for a lost phallus nestling therein. Finally I succeeded and slid the batteries in. I twisted the end tentatively and watched as it began to vibrate and quiver in my hand.

(I feel it is necessary to point out at this juncture that I am not a complete novice with these sorts of affairs. I have previously owned one white vibrator that looked worryingly like a hand held electric whisk (thankfully without the actual whisk bit on the end), one Rampant Rabbit (purchased at an Ann Summers party) and one rubber duck that buzzed when you pressed a button on its back. (It was a gift.) However, whilst I am not lacking totally in experience, nor do I own a three-tiered dungeon filled to bursting with things that buzz, clack, whizz and whirr, and that look as though they might, if all plugged in at once, cause streetlights to dim all across the Lambeth area. I would probably be in the Intermediate Beginner classes, were such classes to exist. (I am quite relieved that they do not.))

Also included in my box was a large tube of lubricant.

After placing both items thoughtfully on my bed, I decided to set the mood a bit. This involved closing the curtains so that the people on the top decks of the buses that continuously trundle by could not see my research, turning main light off and sipping some wine that someone (me) had helpfully poured.

I also removed my clothes.

At this point I would like you to stop thinking about the fact that I have just written the words “I removed my clothes” on the Internet, and have a look at some kittens in cups. Kittens in cups! Some adorable kittens placed amusingly in some (now adorable by association) cups.

While you have been smiling tenderly and having your hearts warmed to a point of near combustion, gentle reader, I have been conducting my research. Do you see how I distracted you while I leapt onto the bed, whizzbuzzed and then buzzwhizzed and generally had a wonderful time? Kittens in cups: a grossly underused literary distraction technique.

It was good. I had a simply lovely time.

I enjoyed the different levels of buzziness. The twister dial on the end is great because it allows a very subtle change in the strength of the vibrations, going from a gentle hum to a much more intense buzz. It is easy to use, and has a good range of power.

It is, however, a quiet toy. My housemates were not in, but I am fairly certain that there is no chance that it can be heard through the walls. (Although we do live in Brixton so it is tricky to hear anything over the knife-crime and general discontent that flows along the streets outside our front door.)

I was unsure about it, though, because I wasn’t hugely sure quite what I was supposed to do with it. This might sound a bit silly, but I just felt that it wasn’t very self-explanatory. I know, it is shaped like a, well, you know (kittens in cups!) but it vibrates, so are you meant to stick it, you know (kittens!) or put it on, well, you know (in cups!), or what? I suppose a combination, but for me that wasn’t so great.

Ridges, though, are very, very good things.

So, all in all, I like it. It hasn’t changed my life, because although it is good I don’t feel that it quite covered all the bases (is… is that the first pun of this whole post? Is the phrase “whole post” the second?). I like the look of it, as it is more subtle and less disconcertingly LOOK AT ME than say, the Rabbit, but the rubbery flexibility of it worried me a bit.

I had a great time with it, though. Thank you to the people at Jo Divine and the Fun Factory for sending me my toy. It was, and will remain to be, a great pleasure.

Finally: You too can have the pleasure of receiving naughty things through the post! If you make any purchase from Jo Divine over £30 before the 31st July you can have a 10% discount! Wow, that’s almost as good as kittens in cups. The offer code is LEONIEJULY.


Blogger Jaywalker said...

Now I will have impure thoughts every time I see a kitten. Or possibly only a kitten in a cup. Let's hope it's the latter.
But well done Léonie!

12:56 pm

Blogger girl with the mask said...

Out of all the things I expected the post to be about, Kittens was not it!

1:15 pm

Blogger Jo Divine said...

Léonie. We love your review. Funny, honest (yes, the battery compartment is a bit of a struggle!) and very well written.

1:25 pm

Blogger Léonie said...

Jaywalker - That was not my intention at all! Any suspiciously bestial-sounding thoughts are entirely your own responsibility. Any impure thoughts about cups have already been done (see: Holy Grail) so you can rest easy.
(Thank you!)

Girl With The Mask - No, nor did I really. I certainly wasn't thinking about kittens at the time. Oh God, I hope it didn't come across that way! My love for kittens is entirely innocent and cup-based.

Jo Divine - Thank you, I enjoyed the research and the writing (but in different ways).

5:09 pm

Blogger Badass Geek said...

This was very tactfully written, considering the subject matter.

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. I guess thats ultimately the point, right?

7:27 pm

Blogger Angela-la-la said...

Brilliant review. And kittens in cups - lolcats will never be the same again!

11:17 pm

Blogger Jaywalker said...

Drinking a kitten might be quite unpleasant, it strikes me. I am going to go and check all my cups for rogue kittens.

9:10 am

Blogger justme said...

Thank you! That made me laugh, and I did need cheering up today. ...
Wondering if I should get one for myself......?
( yes I mean a kitten, I definatly want one of the other!)

12:05 pm

Blogger Clare Sudbery said...

Haha, that was a brilliant review. You can always tell a good review by the fact that it's entertaining in its own right, even if you have no interest in the product. I hate vibrators, I'm afraid. I'm utterly bewildered by anybody's ability to be turned on by electric buzzing sensations. But I accept that I'm in a minority on this.

And speaking of vibrators...

I'm sure I saw an advert for vibrators on telly the other day. But I haven't seen it since. Did I imagine it? Was it in fact for vibrating condoms? It was something to do with Durex and Play and vibratiness, and there were three different models, but they flashed up on the screen really quickly and I didn't get a proper look at them.

12:43 pm

Blogger Wierdo said...

clare - could this be subliminal messaging? The goverment wants us to vibrate...if so, we must!

I do not own anything of that nature. I'm still embarrased when I buy underwear...

I did enjoy the post though, I will never think of kittens in cups the same again! (not in the beastiality way, I'll just think of...vibrating objects when I see them. Thankfuly, kittens in cups do not come up often.)

Anyway, enjoyed the post!

2:03 pm

Anonymous nuttycow said...

Great post! How did you get such a good job?

I can think of worse things to do with my time than testing out... er... kittens in cups.

2:11 pm

Blogger Jo Divine said...

Wierdo: If the government wants us to vibrate, then you can be assured that vibrator sales take a dive.

There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about in buying a toy. We're normal people, married couple, kids etc. We just happen to run Jo Divine!

Equally, there is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about if you don't want one.

Anyone who wants a primer could do worse than reading our introduction which hangs off our home page.

Maybe we should sell kittens in cups - we might sell more of those...

nuttycow: Happy to take applications from bloggers! Email enquiryATjodivineDOTcom

Will shut up now ... don't want to be accused of spamming Leonie's blog.

2:26 pm

Blogger Terry said...

Great kitten photo! Did you take it, or did you find it somewhere?

6:04 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well and sensitively written, Leonie. One of the best reviews I've read--you could have a career addition with this ;-)


7:46 pm

Blogger Marianne said...

Great review- I feel embarassed but informed. And strangely intrigued by kittens in cups. Although I'm not a cat person- do you have any puppies in a glass?

10:03 pm

Blogger Léonie said...

BG - Thank you! Yes, I think that was the aim of the exercise (to put it in an oddly school-teachery way). It was fun!

Angela-la-la - Oh I did not mean to besmirch the good name of lolcats.

Jaywalker - Yes, you should. They are wiley little nippers and will sneak kittenishly into any vessel they can. I suppose just as long as they don't get into the purr-colator... (Sorry.)

Justme - I am glad to cheer you up. Yes! Get a kitten! And the other thing as well. Both are excellent.

Clare - Thank you! I have not seen this advert, though. Can they really be advertising vibrators on television? That seems like a peculiar thing to do. It's like those vending machines in pubs that sell mini-vibrators, obviously designed for the "drunken girls' night out" market. I find that very annoying.

Wierdo - I find it sad that kittens in cups are not a regular feature of your life. They truly do seem to be a thing of great joy. I might start a company selling them - peharps called Moggy in a Mug - to bring light and richness to the lives of others. Although the RSPCA might have something to say about it. Oh, and the thing I have discovered about these sorts of things (vibrator-esque rather than kitteny) is that nobody really cares what sorts of filthy schemes everyone else gets up to, provided their own lives are not impinged upon too much. So don't feel embarrassed, experiment and have fun and then write about it on the Internet! Hurray!

Nutty Cow - Thank you! You should totally write a review as well (see email address provided by Jo Divine).

Jo Divine - Spam away! I agree, nothing to be ashamed of. I think perhaps you should sell kittens in cups, although at some point the kittens might have to come out of the cups, as we would not want them to get cramp in their little paws.

Terry - Oh, I wish I had taken it. No, I found it on the Internet. I will recreate it as soon as I possibly can, though.

Beau - Thank you! What a great career that would be. And so fun to say at dinner parties/family reunions/customs.

Marianne - Hmm. Puppies in a glass, I will see what I can do. We could take it even further. A hamster in a teapot, maybe, or a bemused-looking goldfish in a shot glass?

10:46 am

Blogger Jo Divine said...

Not much point spamming you today as Jo Divine has disappeared from the internet. 7 hours and counting of downtime..... grrrr

3:58 pm

Blogger Jonathan said...

Cough... splutter... how many comments?! lol

The kittens thing cracked me up :)

4:35 pm

Anonymous impish little sister said...

i am a kitten la la la i love cups yeh yeh yeh oh my dear rah rah rah it is odd yes yes yes to hear of naked sister on bed but rah rah rah it's pretty glam and pretty rock and roll and pretty sweet all in all

bisous to you léonie love

11:50 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear god, you are hilarious. I think we should start an "adult toys" company and name it "Cup of Kittens" or "Is That a Kitten in Your Cup, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me." Hmmm...that might be a little difficult to fit on a business card.

8:19 pm

Blogger Boy said...

CERTAINLY wasn't expecting this from you Leonie! But, Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww kittens in cups.

10:11 am

Blogger Mr Farty said...

Awwww, kittens in cups! How cute.

So cute I nearly choked on my tea.

Brilliant post.

1:18 am

Blogger Curly said...

Great post, but one thing concerns me. Why did they send you a 'Semi-Realistic toy'? Imagine what you could have written about with a 'Fully-erect realistic toy'....

Lions in paddling pools, perhaps?

10:55 am

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fabulous post! I too will never see kittens in cups the same way, I'm afraid. But as it happens, I rarely stumble upon kittens in cups in my day-to-day life, so I think I'm safe.

5:21 pm

Anonymous jd said...

You tried to distract us from thinking about what you were doing by posting a photo of pussies?

8:55 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Girl.. you have your own offer code! On a sex toy site! How awesome is that?! You're clearly on your way to the top now! xo ;)

9:13 pm

Blogger ethan1066 said...

the pic is nice and the review is great...i like it...
cock rings

1:29 pm


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