My One Track Mind Thinks About Kittens

The other day I received my Fun Factory Semi-Realistic toy from the lovely people at Jo Divine , so I could get to work on my review.

I sat on the tube, hugging my cardboard box on my knees and trying to wipe the tiny smile from my face. Nobody, I knew, would be shocked or would even care what the innocuous-looking box contained, so it didn’t warrant even the smallest of scandalized eyebrow raises from me.

Once home I surveyed my gift. I felt that perhaps whipping out a notebook or small Dictaphone might make the whole process of reviewing a little too scientific, so I contented myself with inclining my head and placing my hands on my hips in a contemplative manner.

Good packaging, I thought. Very good. Discreet and secure, the nonchalant-looking Royal Mail return address sticker the only visible indication of origin. Even the address on that was a wholesome one, nothing at all to nudge an unsuspecting passer-by towards the truth of what lay inside.

I sliced open the masking tape, removed the plastic covering and held up my new friend.

‘Red’ and ‘rubbery’ were the first words that clambered unimaginatively into my brain. I inspected it a bit to work out where the batteries (which were, as promised, included) went before reluctantly consulting the instructions.

I then spent a while trying to detach the twisty end from the rest of it. This was trickier than I had hoped, and resulted in me flinging my toy across the room then sniggering to myself as I rummaged amongst clothes stacked up on my sofa, searching desperately for a lost phallus nestling therein. Finally I succeeded and slid the batteries in. I twisted the end tentatively and watched as it began to vibrate and quiver in my hand.

(I feel it is necessary to point out at this juncture that I am not a complete novice with these sorts of affairs. I have previously owned one white vibrator that looked worryingly like a hand held electric whisk (thankfully without the actual whisk bit on the end), one Rampant Rabbit (purchased at an Ann Summers party) and one rubber duck that buzzed when you pressed a button on its back. (It was a gift.) However, whilst I am not lacking totally in experience, nor do I own a three-tiered dungeon filled to bursting with things that buzz, clack, whizz and whirr, and that look as though they might, if all plugged in at once, cause streetlights to dim all across the Lambeth area. I would probably be in the Intermediate Beginner classes, were such classes to exist. (I am quite relieved that they do not.))

Also included in my box was a large tube of lubricant.

After placing both items thoughtfully on my bed, I decided to set the mood a bit. This involved closing the curtains so that the people on the top decks of the buses that continuously trundle by could not see my research, turning main light off and sipping some wine that someone (me) had helpfully poured.

I also removed my clothes.

At this point I would like you to stop thinking about the fact that I have just written the words “I removed my clothes” on the Internet, and have a look at some kittens in cups. Kittens in cups! Some adorable kittens placed amusingly in some (now adorable by association) cups.




While you have been smiling tenderly and having your hearts warmed to a point of near combustion, gentle reader, I have been conducting my research. Do you see how I distracted you while I leapt onto the bed, whizzbuzzed and then buzzwhizzed and generally had a wonderful time? Kittens in cups: a grossly underused literary distraction technique.

It was good. I had a simply lovely time.

I enjoyed the different levels of buzziness. The twister dial on the end is great because it allows a very subtle change in the strength of the vibrations, going from a gentle hum to a much more intense buzz. It is easy to use, and has a good range of power.

It is, however, a quiet toy. My housemates were not in, but I am fairly certain that there is no chance that it can be heard through the walls. (Although we do live in Brixton so it is tricky to hear anything over the knife-crime and general discontent that flows along the streets outside our front door.)

I was unsure about it, though, because I wasn’t hugely sure quite what I was supposed to do with it. This might sound a bit silly, but I just felt that it wasn’t very self-explanatory. I know, it is shaped like a, well, you know (kittens in cups!) but it vibrates, so are you meant to stick it, you know (kittens!) or put it on, well, you know (in cups!), or what? I suppose a combination, but for me that wasn’t so great.

Ridges, though, are very, very good things.

So, all in all, I like it. It hasn’t changed my life, because although it is good I don’t feel that it quite covered all the bases (is… is that the first pun of this whole post? Is the phrase “whole post” the second?). I like the look of it, as it is more subtle and less disconcertingly LOOK AT ME than say, the Rabbit, but the rubbery flexibility of it worried me a bit.

I had a great time with it, though. Thank you to the people at Jo Divine and the Fun Factory for sending me my toy. It was, and will remain to be, a great pleasure.

Finally: You too can have the pleasure of receiving naughty things through the post! If you make any purchase from Jo Divine over £30 before the 31st July you can have a 10% discount! Wow, that’s almost as good as kittens in cups. The offer code is LEONIEJULY.