Thursday, May 11, 2006

It Has Been Decided...

I am going to do the Reality TV Audition Thing on Saturday. I honestly just can't think of a reason not to. Well, yes, actually, I probably could think of a reason not to, but I'm going to go anyway.

Partially because I worry that someday I'll run out of funny stories to tell and then nobody will want to go out with me anymore.

No, they will. I have really big breasts and I'm really rich.

One of those statements is not so much accurate.

Tangents about huge knockers aside, I have decided to wake up at reallyfuckingearly o'clock on Saturday and go and queue up and sing really high notes very earnestly at people until they tell me to go away, at which point I will get drunk.

Saturday night I am going to a party at Dan, Sam, Mike and Oli's house. It is their housewarming party, and they are the sorts of chaps who know a lot of people (perhaps because they don't go round insisting upon regaling them with stories of ill-advised auditions for reality TV shows) and as a result of this the party will be full to the brim and much, much fun.

The theme is 'The London Underground', which is pertinent because the house is in London. You know? They are that sort of clever, these boys.

My initial idea was to go with a piece of sheer fabric on my head and go as Maida Vale. Yeah, I know. Fucking brilliant.

However, although, yes, it is a genius idea (my God, AND I have huge breasts/am really rich? What a catch!), I have decided that it might be a little boring. Also I really like dressing up.

So. I am wearing my french maid's outfit and the piece of fabric on my head. Which I suspect I might remove at some point (the fabric, I might remove the fabric), but not before I can do the whole (points at maid's outfit) "maid..." (points at piece of fabric on head) "a veil! Maida Vale! See?" thing numerous times. Then I'll drink some wine. My housemate Rebecca is going to procure herself a trumpet-like instrument of some sort and go as, yes, you guessed it, Tooting Bec. Awesome. She also has really big boobs. My God.

Then on Sunday I have a songwriting workshop. I have no idea what this'll be like, whether it will involve suggesting good and not so good rhymes for the word 'love' (examples for good rhymes: shove; glove; dove, examples for bad rhymes: muff; Swindon; apples)and a small section on "How Not To Be James Blunt" (section one: Why We Don't Hold Our Noses When Singing).

Tonight is the jazz improvisation workshop. I have been mainly imagining lots of people standing around in a room just sort of scooby doo-wah-ing at each other, but there will probably be some sort of structure to the thing. It's being taken by a jazz singer called Anita Wardell, who looks to be pretty cool and experienced. I'm looking forward to it a lot.

Today I have a pain in my left diodes, which is my Douglas Adams-geek way of saying that I have the Pains Of The Curse Of Woman. Ay me. It's not so bad, though. Nothing that some Nurofen won't soothe. I wish I had some Nurofen, though.

I spoke to my little Impish Sister today, who has dyed her hair platinum blonde and cut it to ear-length. She's a cool dude. Just hanging out in Paris with ear-length platinum blonde hair eating cucumber and houmous in her boyfriend's apartment. Cool. She says bonjour.

This is looking to be one of those "my God, she really does write better when she's depressed" sorts of posts, so I will halt in my ramblings and go and practice my 'scooby-doo-wah's and my 'do-re-mi's.

(Also: It's really sunny in London here today. I am going to go outside in a while and put in a good hour of hard graft on the freckles. Excellent.)


Blogger Jonathan said...

Good luck on Saturday.

4:02 pm

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Pure comic genius - things that don't rhyme with love - muff, Swindon, Apples.

Seriously you really make me laugh.

Oh I love your idea for an outfit. So very clever you are!

Good luck for Saurday....ever since I started writing this comment I have had Do, a deer, a female deer,Ray..........blah going all around in my head.

Ta for that!

4:53 pm

Anonymous Pumpkin Eater said...

Come to Swindon and I'll show you how it can rhyme with love!


8:43 pm

Blogger Pub said...

Please please please could you invite James Blunt to your songwriting workshop and teach him not to sing like James Blunt.

Good luck for the audition

9:36 am

Anonymous Adrian said...

Big norks and a french maids outfit ... I think you have any problems with people not wanting to go out with you.

9:43 am

Blogger Ant said...


Tooting Bec and Maida Vale - genius! I think they should paint murals in honour of you clever, big-titted ladies on the walls of said tube stations...

Have fun at the party and good luck with the auditions. With humour like that you'll knock 'em dead...

9:53 am

Blogger Léonie said...

Jonathan - Why thank you.

DF - Don't stop there, come on, all together now... "me, a name I call myself, far, a long long way to run..." and on and on. You're welcome, by the way.

Pumpkin Eater - I wonder whether anyone ever in the whole history of the world has ever said that before. "Come to Swindon, baby, I'll show you a good time..." Swindon. Sex capital of the UK. Hell yeah.

Pub - If I get some time alone in a room with James Blunt he won't come out singing, trust me. Whiney twat. I saw a thing in the Metro the other day, someone had written in just saying: "James Blunt. Rhyming slang, perhaps?"

Adrian - Well, yes, Adrian, you might think it would work like that, but the thing is that I have no personality and I insist upon telling really bad jokes all the time. Also I have a wooden leg, a glass eye and a disturbing fondness for eighties shoulder pads. It's sad, but I like reading and have friends on the Internet.

9:58 am

Anonymous Adrian said...

Oh yeah and good luck for the signing thing.

9:58 am

Blogger Léonie said...

Ant - Are they looking for humour, then? Do you have inside information? Who sent you?

10:01 am

Blogger NF Girl said...

Good luck for tomorrow!!!!!!

I think you will make a great busty Maria.

11:35 am

Blogger Pub said...

I do love a good bit of rhyming slang. Nice one

Just checked out your music site (via Bec's blog) - not stalking you and your friends honest, I'm bored at work and followed a link trail from Anna's - fantastic voice though, I even downloaded a couple of tracks to my ipod

2:09 pm

Anonymous Pumpkin Eater said...

Possibly not quite in your words, and possibly not without an air of sarcasm!

Good luck tomorrow :)

8:16 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Girl.. did you hear that? You're on an ipod! :)

We should also keep up the acronyms like the PYMotI, and do one for your curse of the woman, which now, I can't remember how you stated it cuz your comments come up in the same window and not another.. drat! I thought I'd be so clever.

Love the costume ideas.. however, who are those people? I'm sure it's funny.. you two.. but drat again, I'm left out of the English humor cuz I'm a dull American. Dang.

Oh.. and enough sorta sometimes rhymes w/ love! Good luck w/ the class and do tell ppl that James Blunt is not to be idolized. Just in case they think otherwise. Yes.. do tell them.

7:58 pm


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