Clarity

Upon reading and re-reading the comments from the last post I have been doing some careful thinking about what I want from my other website. Thank you so much for the advice.

Ideally I would like to phase out this one and somehow fuse it with the other. I would like it to be a site about my music, primarily, but also I would like it to be a diary about my life as someone who is trying to be a musician, but who struggles with self-esteem. As someone working to make ends meet whilst simultaneously remaining motivated to follow her dream sometimes seems all too much to bear. I would like to be as honest there as I am here. I don't find that a daunting prospect, because I have been being honest on the Internet for over a year now, using my own name and face, and I don't really mind so much. In fact I quite love it.

I would like everything to be in one place, but I don't want to diminish what I so enjoy doing here. I am way to narcissistic to stop sharing (that can perhaps be a tagline for my website).

I want to record my struggles. I would call it 'Portrait of the Artist as a Young Woman', except that I'm not sure I could cope with the Joycean legacy of that title. People would no doubt be expecting obscure, Modernist prose and excessively long passages about Catholic upbringings and The Fury And Wrath Of Hell, and I'm not sure I could quite deliver.

(I'm not a Joyce fan. The hours at university spent wringing my hair and tearing out my hands over that bugger and his chums nearly killed me, I tell you.)

I would like to record my life and my attempts, failures and successes. Like I do here, but in a musical context. Sort of a 'this is what I'm trying to do, and this is how I'm trying to do it' thing. Make sense, at all?

I am getting a digital camera for my birthday (slightly belatedly) when my parents get back from Texas, so I would post pictures of gigs, mine and other people's, and write about them as reviews, perhaps. Also have a gallery, and video clips (which I have, I just need to upload them), and of course more songs and my OWN songs, which are coming along rather nicely thankyouverymuch.

I want to write about a techno-phobe's endeavours with the GarageBand software, experimenting with using my cello on my tracks, listening to incredible jazz singers I haven't heard before (see: Mina Agossi) (Google her, she's amazing) and saying how they inspire me.

I also don't want to stop writing about how I feel day to day, how sometimes it feels like exactly the right thing to be doing, to be holding out and taking my time and doing it my bloody way, and how sometimes I just think oh, fuck this. I have no money, no brain space, no idea what the hell I'm doing.

I want to write about going out and making ill-advised decisions about resonation and the subsequent ingestion of many, many twirly crisps.

All of it, basically, but just in one place.

Does that sound crazy? Because to me it doesn't. I just need help with it all. It sounds so oddly within my grasp that I think I might need a cup of tea and perhaps a twirly crisp or two.