Thursday, June 01, 2006

Caffeine is my friend. Also: smack.

One of those mornings where I am exhausted. I made myself a massive mug of strong coffee and was wondering why the caffeine hadn't taken effect and then realised I hadn't yet actually taken a sip. My mind has clearly stepped out for a small breather and maybe a spot of lunch.

I am shattered.

I am trying to organise this concert in July for the Children's Society, and yesterday suddenly everything was turned upside down and I have to reschedule all the rehearsals. There is no time left to do this. I am not panicking, I am just stressed, and I hate being stressed. Organising other people is not something I enjoy, and the level of organisation has just been flicked up a few notches as I attempt to create time where there is none.

I had therapy last night, which was really great. I was having serious guilt issues about even being there, because my Dad is paying for it and I felt like I was just being a drama queen. My issues aren't serious enough for therapy. However, we talked about this, and the result of me airing my doubts was a session that was really incisive and positive. She reassured me that, ethically, she wouldn't let me be there if she didn't think I had cause to be in therapy. If she didn't think that there were things that have a constant negative effect on my life, and with which she could help me. I think that I needed to hear that.

Stress is making me exhausted. When I was asked to organise this event I initially declined because things like this are bad for people who have anxiety issues (see how I wear my issues with pride?) and I could forsee months of stress. I wasn't far off. I can be perceptive like that.

I'm glad I'm doing it, though, because despite all the administrative hellishness, I can't wait to get up on stage and sing musical theatre songs with my arms out and face contorted in an Andrew Lloyd Webber-induced frenzy. The people who are doing it with me are my friends, and we're singing songs we love. My sisters and their boyfriends will be there, my cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, family friends. It'll be worth it. I just feel a bit drained by the process of making it all happen.

On Wednesday I'm meeting a lady called Janie ( who is a singer/cellist, and who advertised for cellists to play for her for some gigs. At first I felt all competitive, as is my wont, but then it started to appeal to me. Musically, it would be very cool. I would get to play my cello again. Although I wouldn't actually be singing I would meet people and do gigs and perhaps make friends. I emailed her and showed her my website and in her reply she seemed really nice. The whole thing sounds fun, and different. My cello playing might perhaps be slightly rusty, but I am certain that I can pick it back up. I'm looking forward to it.

Also I've found a pub in Fulham that runs an industry-orientated open mic each week. I'll go along solo, with some self-recorded backing tracks, probably primarily vocal, and perform my songs. It will be nice to only have to worry about myself, albeit somewhat narcissistic. Being a blogger, however, I am comfortable with narcissism. Anyway, I got in touch with them yesterday and they seemed very keen.

I still want to do the Edinburgh Festival, but I'm not sure how to go about it in terms of musicians. I've placed ads for musicians and have some replies which I'm following up.

I think I'm slowly learning to channel my energy so that, everytime I feel down or overwhelmed I can change it into something positive. Make something happen with it. Which all sounds a bit (I can't think of any other word than this one) wanky, but it seems to be working for me.

My writing isn't so much with the coherent today, because I'm (oh, did I mention?) exhausted. Exhausted but focussed.

Also because I still can't stop thinking about pizza.


Blogger Adz said...

I am knackered as well, but mine is because I am stupid and not slept enough!

Hope you get everything sorted! Don't get stressed, take a breather and you will be fine!

12:12 pm

Anonymous Adrian said...

Organising things is stressful, and normally hampered by the fact people don't seem to realise the level of stress they create for the organiser especially by dismissing the stress the organiser is having.

Hmm, I'm not sure that made sense.

Fulham's just up my road. Let me know when you are singing and I'll come and support and clap and cheer and do the Mexican wave.

1:58 pm

Anonymous Impish little sister said...

yes yes good good. I tend to nod and 'hmm' when reading your entries. Forgetting this page on my computer screen isnt actually my big sister. But aren't we lucky to have the internet as an and not an or- speaking of which, i'm really looking forward to sEEing you in under a months time, and of course very much looking forward to meeting your mouse (not the one attached to the computer, although if he wants to meet me tell him he can too). In other news, I bought a little kit to make plastic zebras. This may sound a little strange but it has actually been on my to-do list for a while.

lots of love léonie lady


2:16 pm

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Oh my word! How exciting. I have her album - The Insides and it is one of my all time favourites. Good luck with that. I really hope you get to do it because that would be so cool.

Oh and just write lots of lists to help you organise. I always find I feel a little less stressed afterwards.

2:31 pm

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Oh and the charity thing you are organising is that something we can get tickets to and come and support you?

2:31 pm

Blogger Adz said...

I agree with Kelly!


I am only up the road as well!

3:21 pm

Anonymous Adrian said...

Oh yeah ditto on the tickets.

3:43 pm

Blogger Ant said...

Agree with adrian: organising stuff and people sucks big time cos of people's inability to understand what the organiser's having to do...

Keep thinking about the pizza - my maxim is that anything that makes you dribble must be good for you...

Except being at the dentist.

3:55 pm

Blogger Curly said...

Solo gigs are just so much better than performing with others. Mainly because you can appreciate someones talent a whole bunch more... and it's all about you too so you get all the credit!

Glad all the wanky-ness is going well though...

4:04 pm


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