Caffeine is my friend. Also: smack.

One of those mornings where I am exhausted. I made myself a massive mug of strong coffee and was wondering why the caffeine hadn't taken effect and then realised I hadn't yet actually taken a sip. My mind has clearly stepped out for a small breather and maybe a spot of lunch.

I am shattered.

I am trying to organise this concert in July for the Children's Society, and yesterday suddenly everything was turned upside down and I have to reschedule all the rehearsals. There is no time left to do this. I am not panicking, I am just stressed, and I hate being stressed. Organising other people is not something I enjoy, and the level of organisation has just been flicked up a few notches as I attempt to create time where there is none.

I had therapy last night, which was really great. I was having serious guilt issues about even being there, because my Dad is paying for it and I felt like I was just being a drama queen. My issues aren't serious enough for therapy. However, we talked about this, and the result of me airing my doubts was a session that was really incisive and positive. She reassured me that, ethically, she wouldn't let me be there if she didn't think I had cause to be in therapy. If she didn't think that there were things that have a constant negative effect on my life, and with which she could help me. I think that I needed to hear that.

Stress is making me exhausted. When I was asked to organise this event I initially declined because things like this are bad for people who have anxiety issues (see how I wear my issues with pride?) and I could forsee months of stress. I wasn't far off. I can be perceptive like that.

I'm glad I'm doing it, though, because despite all the administrative hellishness, I can't wait to get up on stage and sing musical theatre songs with my arms out and face contorted in an Andrew Lloyd Webber-induced frenzy. The people who are doing it with me are my friends, and we're singing songs we love. My sisters and their boyfriends will be there, my cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, family friends. It'll be worth it. I just feel a bit drained by the process of making it all happen.

On Wednesday I'm meeting a lady called Janie (www.birdwebsite.net) who is a singer/cellist, and who advertised for cellists to play for her for some gigs. At first I felt all competitive, as is my wont, but then it started to appeal to me. Musically, it would be very cool. I would get to play my cello again. Although I wouldn't actually be singing I would meet people and do gigs and perhaps make friends. I emailed her and showed her my website and in her reply she seemed really nice. The whole thing sounds fun, and different. My cello playing might perhaps be slightly rusty, but I am certain that I can pick it back up. I'm looking forward to it.

Also I've found a pub in Fulham that runs an industry-orientated open mic each week. I'll go along solo, with some self-recorded backing tracks, probably primarily vocal, and perform my songs. It will be nice to only have to worry about myself, albeit somewhat narcissistic. Being a blogger, however, I am comfortable with narcissism. Anyway, I got in touch with them yesterday and they seemed very keen.

I still want to do the Edinburgh Festival, but I'm not sure how to go about it in terms of musicians. I've placed ads for musicians and have some replies which I'm following up.

I think I'm slowly learning to channel my energy so that, everytime I feel down or overwhelmed I can change it into something positive. Make something happen with it. Which all sounds a bit (I can't think of any other word than this one) wanky, but it seems to be working for me.

My writing isn't so much with the coherent today, because I'm (oh, did I mention?) exhausted. Exhausted but focussed.

Also because I still can't stop thinking about pizza.