Thursday, November 17, 2005

Wednesday Do-s and Don't-s

DO (Oh by all means, do):

- Take the day off work
- Go to London Zoo
- Take an attractive man along with you (who did call, as it happens)
- Look at animals (for which it is very handy to be in a zoo)
- Feel like the lions somehow KNOW that they are your namesake and also that perhaps if you were faced with one in a jungle-battle it would also somehow KNOW that you are an honorary lion and are not to be harmed.
- Not necessarily test this theory.
- Go to a lovely pub in Camden (The Edinboro Castle) (it's so lovely!) and have Irish coffee to warm up. Mmmm. (oh, the loveliness!) (because nice plush old-fashioned luxurious but trendy and sofas and Irish coffee and Irish man [Sarah: please stop laughing at me] [self: please stop with the parentheses thing it's not really funny no one likes it])
- Go out to Soho and get drunk

DON'T (take my word for this - I know you've got to learn your own lessons in life but TRUST ME I know what I'm talking about and yes this may be only the time that has ever happened so go with it - do it for me and I promise I'll stop writing rambling sentences that make no sense even to me):

- Have your bag stolen in aforementioned lovely pub.

(Intejection here. So, I'm in this pub at about 4.30pm. We'd been out walking around London Zoo and it had been one of those days in which the sky is ice-blue: sharp and beautiful. Autumn leaves thick and prolific. In short, a perfect day to be wandering around Regent's Park and then wandering around the zoo marvelling at thick snakes and laughing delightedly at monkeys. By four o'clock the zoo was closing, and we were freezing, despite my earlier grand claim that I 'do not really feel the cold'. [HA. I was freezing. I'm not sure whether maybe I thought that such a claim would be impressive. I know it isn't. Um.. anyway.] So we wandered down to the pub, this lovely, lovely place with fairy lights, rich sofas and an atmosphere that reminds you that to be alive and free on a beautiful autumn day in London, that is a good thing. We ordered two Irish coffees, I went to the toilet to check I didn't have lion shit all over my face or some other such disaster the likes of which would not surprise me at all. I did not. It was panning out to be one of those lovely days in which, even though there are plenty of opportunities to HAVE lion shit on your face, you don't, and life is good.

UNTIL. Oh ho ho.

I walked over to the sofa, took off my jacket and sat down.
THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE AREA. NOT ONE PERSON AT ALL.
The nice barlady brought us our coffees and we wrapped our hands around them, tasting the rich whiskey taste through the coffeeness. And lo! It was good.
Well. I needed lip balm. I always need lipbalm and it was a sign of me having a nice time that I hadn't got it out of my bag as yet. I reached down for my bag, which I had placed by my feet.
I reached, my eyes not moving from that chap sitting opposite me on the sofa.
I felt around a bit.
IN VAIN, PEOPLE.
Oh how we laughed.
Because, and excuse me feeling the need to reiterate:
THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE AREA. NOT ONE PERSON AT ALL.

Goodbye little phone with all my numbers and some lovely photos on you! Goodbye little cash card with access to my overdraft! Goodbye book I'm halfway through! Goodbye important and expensive items of make-up! And, oh! Goodbye as well to KEYS to the flat I am staying in while my friend Kate is on holiday so that I can feed her cats! GOODBYE TO ALL OF YOU!

Why HELLO ever increasing propensity to attract crime!

Fuck, is what I think I may have repeated once or twice.

So that was that. Lots of phonecalls later I had sorted everything out, but I was still money-less, phone-less, really-nice-bag-less, key-less.

So I did what any sensible rational person would do.

I got drunk.

So anyway, back to that list...)

- Get drunk, convince yourself that the chap you spent the day with doesn't really like you at all, and flirt ruthlessly with other men to make yourself feel better about your IMAGINARY rejection.
- Be a massive idiot who pre-empts rejection to the extent where you confuse and baffle someone who just spent the day with you.

I am SUCH an idiot, because, you know, it turns out he DID kind of like me and I am just a fucking fuckwit who is just silly. But, you know, it was alright in the end.

(IMPORTANT INFORMATION: This is NOT, repeat NOT a boyfriend situation. The person in question is not a permanent resident of this country and THAT IS FINE. [Have you noticed that I've now teamed writing everything in parentheses with massively over-employing the USE OF EMPHATIC CAPITAL LETTERS?])

But, yeah whatever. My bag got stolen. I fucked up with a man. My God both are just so massively surprising that my head has literally spun right off.

It's alright, though, I am laughing really. Through a two-hours-of-sleep-and-eighty-zillion-glasses-of-wine-induced hangover.

Oh, and while I'm here: Sarah, I hope your interview went well. I'd text you, but, well, you know.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Impish little sister said...

Hey mr léonie head esq...

Wow your day sounds so fun!! But oh my god what is it with the crime magnetism? So unfair.

I love you loads sister of my heart, ring me if you can!

love soph xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

3:40 pm

 
Blogger Doug said...

I want to know why we are all getting drunk in the middle of week.

4:15 pm

 
Anonymous paul said...

Oh dear. That is shit. Did you check for secret trapdoors in the pub floor? That might be the best explanation.

Doug? We all get drunk in midweek because that's when the pain of work hits us hardest. I too am nursing a horrific hangover...

4:25 pm

 
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Oh me oh my. What a rubbish way for a quite frankly amazing day to end. I am so sorry for you. Losing your bag sucks, like having an arm ripped off (well that's how I feel when I am key/wallet/phone-less)

Sending happy thoughts to make you feel better.

And the getting drunk mid week? Well that's what all the cool kids are doing!

6:38 pm

 
Anonymous Rebecca said...

So....he lives out of the country, eh? Could he, in fact, be a secret agent....? hmmmmmmmm.An international master of espionage out to 'get back to his roots' and nick a bit of makeup and loose change....? It's a theory.

8:47 pm

 
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Oh dear.. what did happen to the kitties and the flat you couldn't get into?

Losing things sucks to all hell! Hate that.. and out of all those things.. I'd probably be most upset by some fancy make up.. Yes, I'm completely shallow..

8:57 pm

 
Anonymous Sarah said...

Léonie I am not laughing at you! how could you say such a thing? especially when one knows what a tragedy is about to befall you in the lovely pub?oh the horror. The invisible Camden bag thief got mine too. And the interview went ok I think. And I didn't want to tell anyone and know the whole of internetsville knows! x x x

11:40 am

 
Blogger Adz said...

your day sounded so lovely, apart from the bag incident! Regents Park is so nice to wander around, and next time I am in that area, I will check out The Edinboro Castle (although I will padlock my bag to my leg) Bags, Wallets, money you can replace. It's the personal things that really are annoying. Photos, key-rings, telephone numbers. My bag got nicked last year, amazingly the police found it, minus all valuable items. Report it stolen, you never know!

12:10 pm

 
Anonymous Jenny said...

I'm sorry that happened. Sucks.

4:30 pm

 
Anonymous number1hypocrite said...

major suckage.

hope tomorrow is better!

10:15 pm

 
Blogger Bug said...

An attractive Irish man. A man with an Irish accent. A CUTE man from Ireland who is Irish and who speaks with an Irish accent and who is ATTRACTIVE

Like that?

Yummy :)

4:58 pm

 
Blogger Swedish Girl said...

Oh my God, losing your manuscript? I'm surprised you only got drunk - that would be enough to make a girl start injecting heroin between her toes! It might turn up though - I've lost things like that and had people return the non-money stuff. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

(I like the brackets, by the way.)
(They are cute.)

4:19 pm

 
OpenID notesonthemenu said...

That b*stard bag thief took my handbag on weds night (16th Nov, 2009). It contained my purse with all the obvious things in it, my new digital camera, a really good mobile, my house keys, my trainers, a bottle of good perfume and a few other bits and bobs. I want to kill that thief. The best thing is, my mobile phone company gave me the number the thief dialled directly after nicking my bag and when I dialled it, playing dumb and saying "oh, sorry, I've made so many calls - who am I dialling?" And you know what the guy said? "I'm sell stuff on eBay". Yeah, MY F*CKIN STUFF. He's obviously the fence they flogged my phone and camera to. I told this to the police who refused to do anything about it, saying I was 'jumping to conclusions'. Er, hello????

1:54 pm

 
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7:38 am

 

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