Friday, March 10, 2006

Friday Feasting Fest

Appetizer
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how intuitive do you think you are?

I would like to think that I sense things, that I know things without a process of rational cognition. It's a nice way to be, to have intuition about people and their feelings, and about one's own feelings and instincts.

In certain ways I am less intuitive than I used to be when I was younger. I used to be very sensitive to other people and how they were feeling. I think almost too much. Perhaps because I was over-sensitive myself. My mother always used to tell me that I was too thin-skinned, too over-sensitive, that I should develop a 'thicker skin'. I think now I spend less time worrying about what other people are thinking, and also I feel confused when trying to work other people out. Sometimes people just don't act or react in the way one might expect.

This upsets me, but I cope with it. Just about.

An example of this is with men. I can't intuit how someone feels about me. How am I supposed to know if someone likes me if they don't TELL me? HOW?

(Please. If you are a man, could you just quickly tell me how your brains work? In the comments box? In return I will write a post explaining women. If you have no interest in having women explained to you because perhaps you swing the other way, please explain men for me anyway and I will buy you a drink next time we all go out and get resonated. Oh, and women if you have any pearls of wisdom, please share.)

Oh, right, scale of 1-10. I'd give myself a seven. I feel that I have good intuition about what is and what is not good for me.

Broccoli, for example? Good for me.
Provoking tigers with pointy sticks? Not so much.

Soup
What is your favorite kind of gum?

Extra, the blue one. Whatever that is. Peppermint, perhaps. I don't chew gum very often now. I used to, when I smoked, but smoking isn't good for me so I gave up (see point above).


Salad
Name a CD you own that you would never get rid of.

The problem I have with this question is that I lose things ALL THE TIME and so I never hold on to things like CDs for very long.

I don't think I could choose one above the others. Jeff Buckley, perhaps. The Ella one I used to listen to over and over until I lost it. Paul Simon's Graceland, or a Simon and Garfunkel Greatest Hits one that also got sucked into the ether. Billie Holiday Lady Sings The Blues (lost) or Peggy Lee Black Coffee (still got).

There is no discernible pattern to the CDs I have managed to lose or hang on to. It doesn't mean I love the lost ones any less.


Main Course
When was the last time you said something you didn't mean?

I say things I don't mean all the time.

"Of course I don't mind doing the incredibly mundane and soul-destroying thing you want me to do that will take me all day and leave my brain trickling out of my ears! Where should I start?"

"I'm fine!"

"OF COURSE I knew rugby was a sport!"

"I'm not upset"

"I don't think I'm someone that needs reassurance in relationships"

I cannot believe how outrageous a lie that last one is. I am still reeling from my own capacity for untruth.

(My ex-boyfriends are laughing heartily at that, as well)

I think that is the biggest untruth I have told recently. It's not that I need any more reassurance than the next girl, but I am not under-average. I find it really impossible to imagine that someone likes me if I like them, and even more impossible to imagine that they won't get bored of me after they find out that I am somewhat over-sensitive and sometimes depressive. I don't think of myself as insecure or underconfident, but I know that there is a part of me that is less attractive than other parts. Someone once told me that he preferred "Happy Léonie" so much more, and oh my God I cannot get over that. Someone else once told me that he was with me because I "tick boxes", because I fulfill certain aspects of things he was looking for in a girlfriend. I don't know why that upset me so much.

I know that nobody wants someone who is two-dimensional, who doesn't have depth and passion and the things that go with that, but I can't reconcile that with my own situation. Rationally I know that I should be myself and my whole self, etc, but I have a Pavlovian response which tells me that people go off me if I'm anything but cheery, happy and fun.

It is stupid and almost nothing to do with the question. Sorry.


Dessert
What is the sum of the numbers in your birthdate? (Example: 3 + 2 + 1 + 9 + 7 + 9 = 31)

2 + 4 + 4 + 1 + 9 + 8 + 2 = 30

I have no dye-based anecdotes to regale you with this week. I have done, I am sure, many a stupid thing, but nothing leaps to mind as anecdote fodder.

Tomorrow I have to be at Queens Park tube station for 08.30 hours. Which means leaving my flat at 07.30. Which means getting up at... oh, no I can't think about it. I am out tonight, meeting some people about a music-related project I might be getting involved in, which sounds very exciting from the little I have heard of it so far.
It would mean I could carry on writing and singing what I wanted, but with better resources and contacts and all those boring, practical things that involve networking and smarminess and stuff I am shit at.

So, out tonight, up very early tomorrow. I'm going to borrow my housemate Rebecca's Welsh rugby shirt (I am about a quarter Welsh so I can feel slightly justified) and Dan will be very impressed.

I have had a bit of a 'down' week, as is my wont. I have been struggling somewhat. Panic attacks in the night, over-analysis in the day. I feel... weighed down. It is a swimming upstream week. I still carry on as normal, but just with rocks tied to my feet. I find it difficult to see things in a positive way. Crises I can cope with, the normal and everyday makes me want to cry and be sick, but I won't.

I felt a bit better yesterday but today I don't anymore.

I know it goes away, though.

Why am I so up and down-y? Why, please?

I think perhaps hormones. Or gremlins. Or wasps. It is probably wasps, because they represent all evil in this world. The wasps are controlling my brain this week, and making everything buzz-y, and sting-y, and evil.

Please send tasty treats and wasp poison.

Thank you.

UPDATE:

I have just read one of the most incredible posts that I have ever come across on the Internet. It is strangely appropriate for the way I feel. It is incredible, the whole blog is incredible, and messed-up, and brilliant. Please read it.
www.forksplit.com

7 Comments:

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

I think I have said before but I too get the upsie downsie because of the hormones. Take Starflower and Evening Primrose Oil. It really does help level you out a bit.

Sorry to hear that this has been a down week. At least you have been super busy and there are exciting music type things going on with you.

Have a lovely resonated weekend. I will look out for you on the tv!

12:12 pm

 
Blogger Bug said...

The best thing about your moods, hon, is that you KNOW you have your loopy days, you realise when you're feeling crap. Think how much worse it would be if you just kind of drifted along and didn't actually realise that something was wrong. At least when you know you're feeling blah, you've got the chance to do something about it!

And besides, would you REALLY want to be completely stable and calm all the time? Wouldn't things get a bit predictable? I mean, not that it's good to feel down, of course not, but I think the people of extremes are the most interesting to be around, they have more impact

12:18 pm

 
Blogger Jules said...

I found you from reading Forksplit. I've been reading her for awhile. Glad you've found her, too.

Now, then. On to you. I have to say that you are wonderful! To be so expressive is a gift, honey, really. And I completely understand how you feel. I go through all the ups and downs and wonder about the same things. While I can't offer any solutions to the down times, I can say that when I am down, I am most creative. Writing, singing, and exploring new ideas are perfect outlets for everything you feel inside and, as you and I experienced through Forksplit, it has a huge impact on other people. We may not realize it at the time, but there are so many others who can relate SO WELL. It touches people. Thanks for being open. You're great.

3:45 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

About your request:
"Please. If you are a man, could you just quickly tell me how your brains work In the comments box? In return I will write a post explaining women. If you have no interest in
having women explained to you because perhaps you swing the other way, please explain men for me
anyway and I will buy you a drink next time we all go out and get resonated.Oh, and women if you have any pearls of wisdom, please share."

Men are binaries creatures so I will offer you 2 simple rules,stick to them and you will understand us for ever.

1.We like to reduce complex things to a set of basic cause-and-effect facts because by doing so we think we are making Life easier for us. After all, we have enough hassle in our everyday lives,haven't we?
i.e. If a man wake up horny that morning and an attractive girl smiled at him,the average male
thinks "she wants me" when the girl, maybe,meant "You look exciting today the way you are dressed and with this fiery light in your dark eyes"

2.We use abstract ideas or expression to make simple events or states look complex,it makes it easier for us to hid our complete powerlessness or ignorance,until we find the adequate answer(if we bother finding one)after all,we men are supposed to know or have experienced almost everything aren't
we?
i.e. His last date who used to cheat on him;other women will think she was a bitch but he will persist
to call her "his lost love".

It might sounds a pretty limited strategy to deal with life but mind you we evolved from hunters and fruit-picking tribes to what we called civilization today,it could have been better but it help us men to achieve some stuffs on the way.

5:46 pm

 
Blogger Swedish Girl said...

Signs that boys like you: When they pay a lot of attention to you, and when they pointedly pay you none at all.

I realise that the scope of error is quite large.

6:32 pm

 
Blogger hen said...

Well the stereotype is that a men's thoughts go like this:

sex, sex, sex, beer, sex, sex, sex, car*, sex, sex, sex

* insert obsession of choice.

When a man meets an attractive woman they generally think about having sex with them. If you catch a man glancing at you in the tube or street or in the pub they are probably thinking about having sex with you. That guy that smiled at you at the coffee machine - yep thinking about sex.

All this thinking about sex generally interferes with our brain's capacity to think about whether we actually like someone or not. The processing that is needed to work it out has to go on in between the thoughts of sex. Hence it takes a lot of time.

As for men telling a woman they like them... well that is more complicated.

Some devious and confident men have worked out that telling a girl they like them is a good way to get to have sex with them even when they don't know whether they like them or not

Other men prefer the fantasy to the reality of rejection so won't tell a girl even if they do. If they do like you they having thinking about it for a long time (in between thoughts of having sex) and if they haven't made a move by now they probably never will.

Plus there is the whole pretend to be uninterested thing.

If you are actually going out and he doesn't tell you it is either because he assumes you know already or he hasn't worked it out yet because his brain is too busy thinking about sex.

So even if a man tells he you likes you that is no indication of whether he does or not. And if he doesn't then neither is that.

This is all rubbish because I have been mostly thinking about sex and beer.

mmm beer

12:55 pm

 
Anonymous harry said...

Men’s deficiencies have to be weighed up against their competencies. For example, yesterday I once again failed to connect emotionally with another member of my species, preferring to don the masks and disguises of the silent hunter whose essential loneliness haunts his very soul.

I did, however, successfully repair a whole in my exhaust with Gun Gum.

8:59 am

 

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