Thursday, April 06, 2006

Complaining

I have a few complaints, so I will get those over with and then see whether I can think of anything else to say.

Complaint Number 1: (Directed at Old Lady On Tube)

You are old and somewhat incapacitated. I understand this. The grey hair and wispy beard and also the walking stick strongly indicate this. Being old and somewhat incapacitated, therefore, it is your right to sit down on the tube. People should arise and let you sit and rest your old and somewhat incapacitated limbs.

It is not your right, however, to shout in my ear and whack me in the back with your walking stick. Especially if I am standing up facing away from you, so I do not see it coming and might nearly have a heart attack from the shock.

Nobody has the right to be needlessly violent, Old Lady On Tube, and being old and somewhat incapacitated does not exempt you from this rule.

Complaint Number 2: (directed at Sainsbury's supermarket)

Please refrain from selling hot cross buns at two packets of twelve for a pound, as it will cause me to a) buy and b) eat twenty-four hot cross buns. With melted butter and jam. Do not rely on my willpower to prevent me from doing this, please. I am the girl who eats Nutella out of the jar with a spoon/my finger/old ladies' walking sticks.

Complaint Number 3: (directed at my money)

Where are you, please? Come back at once and stop playing these ridiculous games that involve you pretending you are not in my bank account. It's not big and it's not clever.

Complaint Number 4: (directed at Thursday)

I am cross with you because you are not Friday. This is naughty of you, and you must consider yourself reprimanded.

That's it.

Perhaps it's an update-y sort of a day today.

13 Comments:

Blogger cooladd said...

very amusing to read. I hate it when i'm in a supermarket and i can smell raisin bread! yet they don't sell the one in a red packet that i used to love :P

10:24 am

 
Blogger Bug said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:47 pm

 
Blogger Bug said...

My local bakery sells "hot cross bunnies", bite size hot cross buns. Could YOU resist them?? No, neither can I

And they have to be smothered in honest-to-god butter, not margarine. That's the way nature intended

12:51 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lèonie

I am sorry for hitting you with my stick. You had a big spider on your back and I was trying to catch it so I could swallow it to catch the fly I accidentally swallowed.

Yours,

Old Lady

2:08 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lèonie,

We are very sorry for our cheap and delicious hot cross buns. We realise that it was too tempting. If we see you buying any again we will swap them automatically for fruit.

And if we catch you buying Nutella we will happily provide you with an implement to eat it with.

Yours,

Sainsburys

2:18 pm

 
Blogger Léonie said...

Cooladd - Thank you! I think you should write a letter of complaint. You can use my format if you like, I promise I won't sue.

Bug - I am imagining your bakery selling small rabbits, kept in over-heated rooms and who people keep jabbing with sticks. I would NOT want to eat those. Bite sized HCBs sound delicious.

Old Lady - I have a feeling that you have painful experiences, perhaps involving livestock, ahead of you. You are forgiven, and I wish you luck.

Sainsbury's - You are also forgiven. Except that you must promise not to be surprised if, when you attempt to exchange the buns for fruit, I scream wildly and try to make a dash for the automatic doors.

2:33 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lèonie,

Um...sorry. I am afraid to inform you that on my jaunt out of your bank account I have woken up in Canada with very little recollection of how I got here. I believe it involved some wine, hot cross buns and an old lady. If you could send me the cash for the ticket home I'll be back before you can say "overdraft".

Yours,

Money.

2:36 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lèonie,

I consider myself reprimanded. I apologise for any undue stress or inconvenience I have caused you. I have had a word with Friday and he promises that he will be here as soon as he can.

Yours,

Thursday

2:38 pm

 
Anonymous Adrian said...

I think you are a bit unfair against Thursdays. Thursdays have some good points.

- Thursdays are the days closest to Friday (yaay) but furthest away from Monday morning (poo)
- Thursday night has all the good tv on it (since who watches TV on Friday night)
- Thursday is the going out night in London for work stuff
- If you get drunk on thursday, it's only about 6 hours you have to endure on Friday before you can stair idly at the clock.
- On Thursdays you have Friday to look forward too.
- Thursdays are downhill days (you're over the hump)
- If their weather is pants on a Thursday it's not the end of the world, but if it's good it gets you up for the weekend.
- Thursdays make a good 1st date night, in that if it goes stunningly well you have the weekend to go for a second date, but if it goes down like a pile of bricks you have friends to see anyway.

I think Thursdays need an apology. It's not like they are Mondays or anything.

5:12 pm

 
Blogger Steve said...

I certainly take you're complaint about Sainsburys. Perhaps you should tell Jamie Oliver about it? The Asda near me is currently doing two six pack full butter croisants (which I would normally slather more butter inside after warming) for the price of three. I only wanted one pack and they go off in just a few days! Of course I bought and ate.

And ate.

I am now fat(ish). As a guy it goes against my nature to be worried about this. But I am.

8:59 pm

 
Blogger Steve said...

Also, I wish I'd been here quick enough to do those "Dear Leonie" letters first!

Funny as, "Anonymous".

9:01 pm

 
Anonymous number1hypocrite said...

Thursdays seem to be the longest day. Because, like you said, its not quite Friday yet.

1:46 am

 
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I told my money the same thing yesterday. I see yours is doing the same thing. There must be a money obedience school.. and one for Thursdays.. or Mondays.. any day that isn't Friday or Saturday in my opinion.

Drat! I want hot cross buns! And bunnies! With Jam! Dammit. I hate being American. But I'm so going to use 'cross' now when I'm mad..

And darlin.. do watch out for that quick-witted anonymous.. they're funny. :)

1:51 am

 

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