Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I meander. Yes, I do.

I have an appointment with a cognitive behavioural therapist next Tuesday.

The only reason I'm going is so that if someone asks me to do something on that day, or asks me what I am planning for my evening, I can off-handedly say "Well, I'm seeing my therapist at six..." and I'll look all grown up.

Or mental, one of the two.

Because, to be honest, although I am feeling fine about the specifics of breaking up with what's-his-name, I am feeling rubbish in general and it isn't going away.

It annoys me because it makes my blog boring.

So I have decided to do a meme. That one that everyone else in the world did ages ago.

Seven Things to Do Before I Die:
1. Travel more
2. Peform my own songs, for a living
3. Fall in love again
4. Tidy my room (I have been attempting this for a few weeks now, but to no avail, so I have decided to set myself a nice, easy deadline for it) (Deadline, as a word in this context? A little sick, perhaps)
5. Live in at least two other countries
6. Perform some sort of burlesque
7. Be happy for an extended period of time (read: more than the time it takes to eat a packet of Brannigan's Roast Beef and Mustard crisps)

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Drive
2. Relax very well
3. Compromise my ambitions
4. Abide bigotry
5. Force myself out of holding grudges
6. Maths
7. Watch reality TV shows without wanting to eat my own head

Seven Things that Attract Me To Blogging:
1. I feel I can say whatever I like, whatever I deem appropriate, and I don't feel ashamed of it
2. It is something to do
3. Writing things down helps me to regain focus
4. Honesty and candour are met with enthusiasm and support. I find this somehow surprising. I would go so far as to say that it is somehow rebuilding my faith in people, and the capacity of people to be generous and loving (and, dare I say, affectionate) (there is going to be a reference to the "I don't feel any affection for you" comment in every post for as long as it takes me to forget about it) (which means that there will be a reference to it in every single post I write henceforth). Blanche DuBois is proven to be correct in the blogging age, as we all seem to rely more and more upon the kindness of strangers.
5. I love writing. I didn't know I loved writing this much before I started to blog, but I do. I knew I loved reading, but writing is so wonderful. I love using words I didn't know I knew. I can't think of which words I mean, but they are probably really impressive, important-sounding words, oh yes they are.
6. I get a massive kick out of making people laugh. I always have. I like making people laugh here. (Laugh, damn you. I need the validation and it is your job to provide it)
7. I feel like I am rehearsing for being honest, open and unguarded in real life.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. "Oh my God." (usually in disgust, slightly murmured, and with the emphasis on the 'God')
2. "No affection for me? NO AFFECTION? Motherfucker."
3. "Why am I so tired?"
4. "Shall we get resonated?"
5. "Don't talk to me, I'm blogging."
6. Any swearword. Because I'm big and cool. My favourite is motherfucker. Bec says I say it really well, with just the right emphasis (I choose to put it on the 'fucker'). It's because I practice so much. And also am cool.
7. Nice things. I just read the list and I sound like a miserable bitch. I do actually say nice things, too. Like "You're very pretty" and "Can I hold your puppy, please, as it is very lovely!*"

*this is mainly, but not always, used as a euphemism.

I can't be bothered to do the rest of the thing as I am lazy and pick and choose the bits I want to participate in. I am very like that in life, as well as memes.

I now have a craving for Roast Beef and Mustard flavour Brannigan's crisps.

Last night I went out with my Mum in Covent Garden and we had a bottle of Champagne and then steak. Well, I had steak. She had something healthy and slimline because she is healthy and slimline also a nutritionist. I, however, almost never turn down the offer of free steak.

Tonight I fancy getting resonated but I am broke so cannot.

Woe is me.

Another pointless, meandering post for the collection, then.

Hope you're having a nice Wednesday.


Anonymous Adrian said...

Happy Wednesday to you to.

Out of interest, what's the differance between a cognitive behavioural therapist and a therapist? (Hhmm that sounds like a joke with no punch line). I mean, I'm curious, as to what exactly a cognitive behavioural therapist therapises on.

I've had the rubbish in general feeling many times myself (actually still have a lingering one a bit) and should have gone to see someone but I never was that brave (or organised, it's one of the two)

and your blog is never boring. Your style of writing is humorous and always makes for an entertaining read.

1:21 pm

Blogger randommummy said...

roast beef and mustard crisps? Only in England. :)

1:52 pm

Anonymous number1hypocrite said...

I plan on getting resonated tonight.

If by resonated you mean drunk.

Not really, I just plan on sleeping.


12:34 am

Blogger Léonie said...

Adrian - from my research (read: five minutes of Googling) I have reached the conclusion that cognitive behavioural therapy is a means of altering your negative responses to certain situations. So, for example, if you have learned some means of dealing with pain and of processing it that leads to depression, self-harm, whatever, then CBT aims to find out why you learned that response in the first place and also alter it so that you have the means to emotionally respond in a different, more positive way.

The idea is not necessarily to explore every aspect of your past that may have had a negative impact upon you, but to give you the tools to be able to have a more positive future.

I think.

I think it differs from other types of therapy in that it focuses on the future, not the past. I think there are certain things it is most effective for, and I think my sorts of rubbishness are well-treated by CBT. I really, really hope, anyway.

Randommummy - Seriously. They are the best crisps. In the world. I pity the countries that are not graced by Brannigans. I will send you one in the post.

Number1 - By resonated I meant drunk. You can use it to mean whatever you like, as long as you say it in an English accent and you drop the 't'.

10:00 am

Blogger Ant said...

I need a packet of roast beef and mustard crisps now.

10:19 am

Anonymous Adrian said...

Ok thanks for that. So CBT looks more at how you react and respond to things happening, and how you can change this to be more positive. As in you cant stop bad things happening but you can deal with them better going forward.

Which is probably why I should have done this in the past myself and not kept ignoring it till I was in an positive patch and felt I didn't need it.

I am sure it will help your "sorts of rubbishness" and the fact you are even going for it shows positive thinking.

And how do you drop the T in resonated. I tried, but the T kept coming out.

11:16 am

Anonymous dave said...

(I'm not linking to my site - cos its almost dead and totally crap at the moment!)

You write very well - a lot of folks your age can't do that. :O)

Here's something that gets me through some days. The main thrust of this is "don't spend time analysing yourself or anything else"

Lose this day loitering --'twill be the same story
To-morrow -- and the next more dilatory;
Each indecision brings its own delays,
And days are lost lamenting o'er lost days.
Are you in earnest? seize this very minute --
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Only engage, and then the mind grows heated --
Begin it, and then the work will be completed!


Here's a few other goodies ..

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

You cannot plough a field by
turning it over in your mind.
Author Unknown

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

So there ya go!


12:00 pm

Blogger Léonie said...

Ant - Of course you want beef and mustard crisps now. Why would you not? You'd have to have something seriously wrong with you to not want them. Like no head, perhaps.

Adrian - just say it in a bit of a cockney accent. Resonated. This works even better if your actual speaking voice is very home counties and this is the only word you say in a cockney accent. For some reason I say the word 'motherfucker' with a South American accent as well.

Maybe therapy will help me stop being so odd.

Dave - Thanks for those quotations, they're good. I especially like the ploughing the field one. Thanks.

2:30 pm

Blogger Huw said...

Come come, Léonie, Motherfucker is so Passé*. If you really want to take your swearing to the next level, we really need to hear some more exciting and original compounds from you. Here are some to start you off - practice with them until you feel comfortable enough to develop your own.


*I don't get to use acute accents twice in one sentence nearly enough.

2:40 pm

Anonymous Adrian said...

Right got it. Although I sound a bit daft having a flat South African accent.

Motherfucker I can do. Although that switched to cocksucker after watching a lot of Deadwood. Both get used frequently while driving.

3:08 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Well it made me laugh.. nonetheless.. you have lost no funny from what I can tell my dear. :) You go!

4:01 am


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