Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Don't judge me.

That is an order.

You are allowed to laugh, but only slightly. You are not allowed to send me derisive emails or call me up to laugh at me down the phone or poke me with jabby sticks.

The BBC are holding open auditions. One of those 'talent search' TV shows. To find the next Maria for the West End production of The Sound Of Music.


The thing is, see, that reality TV shows make me want to eat my own head. Seriously. I hate them more than I hate Tom Cruise, and I hate Tom Cruise a lot. Yes, even despite Top Gun.

Despite this I am sending in an application form, to go to the BBC, along with seventy-billion zillion other 'young hopefuls', and warble through an off-key rendition of Eidelwiess to a panel of deadpan judges whose glazed eyes will be fixed on a spot just over my left shoulder, and who will only be momentarily be distracted by my jerky and spasmodic attempt at a dance routine.

Actually there's no dance routine bit in the first stages, but this is how I envisage it. It fills me with dread but I am going to do it anyway.

I thought to myself "I'll just keep it secret! No one will know that I am going to do this! Then if, IF I get through I will tell some people. This way I will save myself the humiliation of people knowing!"

This plan is faultless! I thought to myself gleefully, as I signed into Blogger and started writing about the whole thing on the Internet.

I have been singing that Favourite Things song for about an hour now, complete with Julie Andrews-style expressive eyebrows and excessive enunciation of consonants. "Theeeese are a fyoooou of my faaaaayvourite things..." Oh God.

I need a bit of help, though. I mean apart from obviously needing to see some sort of mental health professional to sort out my apparent need to strip myself of any shred of dignity.

On the application form there are a couple of things that I am having trouble with. Name, age, address I can cope with. There are two questions that I don't know how to answer:
- Describe yourself in ten words, and
- Why should we choose you?

Um. Alright then: I LIKE SINGING AND ACTING (...counts on fingers...) AND CLOTHES MADE FROM DRAPES.


You see? I need your help.

De-lurk and help me! You may laugh a bit first, though, if you must.


Anonymous Adrian said...

I wont laugh but I may chuckle. On the other hand, all cred. Every now and then I think about applying to one of these reality dating shows. Then I go to the bar instead, so you are way brave. Go you.

I think your answers are pretty good. I'd choose you.

12:07 pm

Blogger Mouldy said...

Mouldy has some questions;

1) What is wrong with Tom Cruise?
2) ARE the Hills Alive with the sound of music? "make me belive it"!
3) Why SHOULD they chose you?
4) Who would be your ideal Captain Von Trapp?
5) How do you solve a problem like Maria?

On another subject. Last Friday I was walking down a scruffy sidestreet in Brighton and coming the other way was a girl wearing a brown peaked wollen hat thing with no top. So it was a brown headband with a peak! It almost make me spu! I sooooo see what you mean now!

12:55 pm

Blogger treespotter said...

I’m happy, I’m passionate and I’ll do it better than anyone, you wouldn’t know this and likely to regret your decision if you never let me try should I someday returned as born again Rita Hayworth. I also wouldn’t mind humiliating myself at the moment so long as you don’t stare too long on certain spots.

i'm never good with those forms that's why i never won any audition.
well, i also can't sing, but...:D

good luck.

12:55 pm

Blogger Doug said...

Doe...A female deer!

For the describe yourself, you could just write your name over and over again with a small disclaimer asking them to pronounce it right on TV when you win.

1:19 pm

Blogger Ant said...

You go girl! Those answers ain't bad...

And you'll knock 'em dead with the singing (the tracks on your other site are really good btw - have you put any more up there recently?)

Tom Cruise is ok - slightly arrogant but a good actor (in spite of Top Gun, I would say...)

1:28 pm

Blogger Jonathan said...

I just tried to post a comment and it never went through, so here we go again. Sound of Music is one of the great shows. Just be yourself in your singing and all should go well. I would imagine they are not looking for a Julie Andrews "clone". Mouldy's questions are all good, except the ones cocnerning Tom Cruise. Sometimes I wish he would just fade out of sight. Anyway, remember to have fun.

2:06 pm

Blogger NF Girl said...

Tom Cruise!!! Don't get me started on Tom Cruise!!! I hate him!

He is a weird alien freak.

p.s - Good luck!

2:59 pm

Blogger Léonie said...

Adrian - I will probably go to the bar as well, which is where we differ but are also similar. I prefer the public humiliation THEN the drinking, whereas you just skip straight to the alcohol. You are wiser than I am.

Moudly -
1. EVERYTHING. He is an arrogant wanker. Examples being: "postpartum depression is imaginary" and "childbirth should be silent". This is Scientology, sure, but he is an IDIOT for believing this bollocks. He makes my skin crawl.
2. Yes they are. This perhaps has more to do with the hallucinogenic drugs than anything else, but they are definitely alive.
3. Because I'd be really good, and look foxy in a nun's habit.
4. Hugh Jackman. "My hills are alive with the sound of YOUR music, Hugh." This would be what I would say.
5. Like anything else. Type it into Google and see what you get.

Treespotter - They're good suggestions. Perhaps not the slightly threatening tone of the last bit, but the first bit's good. Thanks!

Doug - Also a good idea. This is the main reason I have never been on any other TV show, including Neighbours and CSI. Fear of mispronunciation of my name.

Ant - Tom Cruise is NOT OK. I would happily squash him. Not in a good way.
There aren't more songs up yet, but there will be soon.

Jonathan - I will be myself. I will also have fun, because singing is fun. It's a while away, though, so perhaps nearer the time I'll be more nervous...

NF Girl - Yes. An alien freak, but worse. He is horrible. Horrible.

3:32 pm

Anonymous Adrian said...

I dunno, many times I find the drinking results in public humiliation. I think rumours of my wisdom are greatly over exaggerated.

5:45 pm

Blogger Steve said...


For the why they should choose you question you could try, "I really don't mind potentially humiliating myself in front of a TV audience of millions. But I know that I won't because I'm awsome! And not in the least bit overconfidant!"

Tom Cruise: despite whatever else he may have done that was good, War of the Worlds kille3d him in my opinion. Grr.

6:01 pm

Blogger Adz said...

God I hate application forms and nasty questions like that. Be honest, be yourself, be funny, don't be anything you aren't!

10:54 pm

Anonymous Euan said...

1. I
2. CAN
7. I

That should do it. Incidentally, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, really? Andrew Lloyd Webber gets to choose who wins and he'll basically pick the person who lets him squeeze her arse. Or something like that.

Hope your arse is nice and squidgy.

11:16 pm

Blogger audrey said...

It's a bit silly that they're going to allow hundreds of gazillions of people humiliate themselves on TV just for a spot of shameless show promotion.

Having said that, what larks! Perhaps in the why they should choose you part, intimate that you have a thing for older, authoritative men. This will cover the attraction you'll need to summon up for Captain Von Trapp/Actor Playing Him and also will give ALW a little hint that you wouldn't be opposed to a smidgeon of a bum squeeze.

Gut luk!

5:12 am

Blogger Jules said...

You are a brilliant person with passion and bravery. You MUST believe this! Tell this to yourself over and over again. It really works. I don't think anyone should be laughing at you, I think everyone who knows you should be proud to know you, like, "Hey, that's my friend! I know her!" Good luck, hon!

3:47 pm

Anonymous Dan said...

My mum used to, in her own comedy way, go "The Hills are alive...", and then in a funny voice, "I can see them moving!". I was about 8, and thought it was the funniest thing that ever I had seen. That and her cross eyed tongue-pokey-outey thingymabob. Hilarious. Used to kill me.

Not sure it'll stand the test of time, but I think that maybe you should try it Lé? No?

As for the ten words, try, "I like big butts and I cannot lie. And singing."

3:54 pm

Anonymous Dan said...

Just one more thing:

Jules - is your picture one of a cat having sex with a teddy bear? Cos it sure looks fishy to me...

4:28 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

K, what Steve said.. yeah. Go w/ that. And Ant - um.. please prove your point that Tom Cruise is a good actor.. he's the SAME PERSON IN EVERY FILM! Like.. really. And he worships wierd aliens.. or something like that.

I hate that question girl.. why should you answer it? Oh I guess you can't be sassy or they'll definitely not give it to you.. just describe your dedication and passion, thrill of the stage and be confident but not cocky. Have a few close friends describe you in 10 words - and choose from those to compile that one.. Hope that helps and wow.. GOOD LUCK!!!

8:12 pm

Blogger treespotter said...

Léonie, this is OOT, but are you in any way related to one missy higgins downunder, she sings too?

2:03 am

Anonymous Anonymous said...

by the sounds of this, youd be good at this sort of thing, because youre really into what you do, but you dont take it all too seriously.

i touched a nun on the wimple once.

3:52 pm

Blogger hen said...

You should answer the "Why should we choose you?" question with:

Because I know where you live and where your children go to school.

8:02 pm

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4:55 pm


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