Oh, This Is A Terrible Post, So It Deserves A Terrible Title

In the interests of summing up I am going to write a series of bullet points for your delectation. This may be impeded by a) the fact that I have not typed anything since Wednesday and my fingers feel all seized up, and b) I have no idea what I want to write.

Point b) is not a feeling with which I feel entirely unfamiliar.


- When I say 'bullet points' I mean dashes. Just to be clear.


- I have submitted my application form for the Talent Search Thing Which Is Most Definitely Not (Repeat NOT) Pop Idol Or The X Factor Although Yes It Has Certain Similarities. If over the weekend you passed a drunk-looking girl mumbling something about raindrops on kittens and whiskers on roses, you may well have encountered one of my intensive rehearsal sessions. I drink to forget the pain of entering myself for a reality TV show.

- I will not divulge what I put on the form. It was very sincere. Laughter, tears, something for everyone.

- On Wednesday early evening I went to the ballet at the Royal Opera House with my friend Chris, because we are both very cultured and highly sophisticated. In the intervals we stood and drank overpriced drinks on the terrace overlooking Covent Garden as Chris tried to find a suitably shockable old lady to ask whether the male dancers stuff the backs of their leotards to make their arses look bigger. Because we are cultured and highly sophisitcated. It was beautiful, though. I mean the ballet itself, and also the view from the top of the Royal Opera house. The male ballet dancers' arses were just, quite frankly, a little intimidating.

- Later on that evening I went to have some drinks. With someone else. It was (how to put this?) mutually interesting. We got drunk in a pub in Soho and things were said. I think. I was drunk.

- I will come back to that. Perhaps. Probably in a very roundabout sort of a way.

- Thursday I took the day off work. I met up with Dan for A Day Of Fun. We went to a museum. This was very mature of us. There was an exhibition going on about Satire, which was interesting and amusing, particularly because there were silly hats and coats to try on, and also a Punch and Judy puppetty thing to have a go on. Obviously what with Dan and I being so very mature we bypassed that and went straight to the bits where you read stuff and nod interestedly. Then I got bored loudly and we went to the pub. Gently ingesting my bodyweight in wine, I told him all the juicy details concerning the last couple of bullet points. He listened to me, at times amused and at others shocked, whilst ingesting some sort of beer. Then we went to Pizza Express where we ate dinner, where,as I dimly recall, we talked loudly about anal sex (hello Googlers! And members of my family!). After this we went to a hotel in Marble Arch, where I sang some songs and Dan sat at the bar talking to stupidly posh people and an Australian, then we got back on the tube (at which point Dan kindly let me curl his eyelashes), got to a bar and got drunker.

- If you haven't seen Transamerica (TransAmercia? tRansaMerica?) you really should. I thought it was brilliant.

- On Friday evening I went to see trAnsamErica, at the cinema. With a boywhoIlikealotbutthatisallI'msaying. Then went to Soho with him and his friends. I am being coy because some of them read this site, and despite the fact that I have just typed the words 'anal sex', I am feeling shy.

- This entry is long and rambling, with no narrative flow or point. I am not sorry.


- Except that I am a little bit.

- On arrival back to work I discovered that I had been left an Easter Egg containing FOUR chocolate bars and a chocolate egg. FOUR. I looked at them and went up a dress size.

- It's nearly my birthday.

NEARLY MY BIRTHDAY. Don't make a fuss, though, please. Don't like, rush out and buy me shoes and sparkly stuff, honest. Although who am I to be so cruel as to deny you the gift of giving? Give, if you must. If you must give, give to me!

This makes sense. This whole post makes sense. I promise.