Thursday, July 27, 2006

Mental. Absolutely insane.

The hormones have caught up with me and are playing mercilessly with my sanity levels. One moment I am fine, happily staring out of the window or trying to work out how I can slip the phrase "there she was, resplendent in beige" into a sentence, and the next, WHAM! I am floored, head in hands and incapable of doing anything but wail slightly and curse my diet for not letting me eat. I mean, I can eat, but not the things I really want. Like spoonfuls of lard covered in Nutella with some foie gras perched atop, you know the sort of thing.

The diet as a whole is going, well, alright, but I'm not as miraculously thin as I may have given the impression of being in my last post. This I will also blame on the hormones. Stupid fattening hormones, making me all irritable, unhappy and whale-like (only in fatness, not in being able to spray water out of my head, or swimming lots in the ocean.)

I truly and sincerely believe that they are making me scatty as well. I have been known to be scatterbrained before (for a whole year in primary school a teacher never called me by my name, always referring to me as Miss Scatterbrain/Miss Scatty or something along those lines. I pointed out to her that, as a feminist, I prefer 'Ms', but she paid no heed) but not to the extent I am right now, on this Thursday (I remember what day it is! Good start.)

So it is a cycle. The scatterbrainedness: forgetting to do something; forgetting what to say when I pick up the phone; forgetting that if I walk into things either I or they will fall over, and chances are it'll be me. Then the repercussions of my scatterness: a telling off; a panicked excuse about a 'dodgy line'; a confused and painful few moments on the floor. Then the paranoia: I am going to be fired/I'm a horrible friend/everyone hates me; they know I'm lying; I think I've broken my leg. Then the irritation and self-loathing: I cannot believe I would be so stupid as to be fired from a job I should be able to do with my eyes closed and hands tied behind my back whilst buried in a tin can six miles north of Aberdeen/I liked that friendship and now I've gone and broken it; what sort of a twod (new word) lies about something like that?; who breaks their LEG? That is so mid-nineties I could cry. Then the resulting unhappiness. Rendering me unable to do anything/remember where I am and what I am meant to say/walk around large objects like desks, doors and colleagues. And so it starts all over again.

Hormones, I can only conclude, are knobs.

To add to that I am physically shaky and my hair is behaving in a very odd manner. It is all blow-y. I think it is trying to convey a message to me. I think... hang on, wait, what was that? Oh, yes, as I thought. It wants me to eat cake. Yes. Cake and... hang on, there's more... and pizza? Pizza? Bad hair! It is very devious. Don't worry, music video people, I will not bend to the naughty whimsy of my hair. The only cakes I will eat will be the rice ones.

(Other symptoms of Hormonal Behaviour: thinking one is Medusa. Except with talking hair/snakes that demand fattening foodstuffs.)

I must go now before I start openly wondering whether perhaps my fingernails are petulantly petitioning for some chocolate mousse and chips.

UPDATE, LATER THAT DAY:

The thing was, though, that everyone else was having an ice cream. Then I happened to mention that I was having a horrible day and the next thing I knew there was Magnum all in my mouth. Which I had accidentally given someone £1.10 to get from the shop for me.

I was good, though. I left the whole stick.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Impish little sister said...

i think i may have swallowed a bit of metal? advice?

i think it might be your hair's fault.

1:50 pm

 
Blogger Léonie said...

Metal, you say?

Um. I'm not sure. Try standing on your head or drinking some water out of a cup backwards. Or turn around three times in an anti-clockwise direction. Or throw some salt over your left shoulder.

I shall have very strict words with my hair about this.

How did you swallow metal? Did you accidentally eat a bridge?

2:52 pm

 
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Oh you have my sympathy sweetie. I was like that all last week. It sucks. I end up doing stupid things like putting the cereal in the sink, the milk in the cupboard and the bowl in the fridge.

Then bursting into tears because of it.

I would usually suggest many bourbons and brandy but I don't think that is allowed on the diet.

3:01 pm

 
Blogger Mouldy said...

There is a strong argument for just having a cake and feeling ok about it. Run home or something and it won't matter.

Bless you!

3:24 pm

 
Blogger Ellie said...

You are funny and make me laugh even though you have stolen some of my very own insecurities right from under my nose (ie the fear to comment ... what kind of a twat would really say that ... am I just commenting to comment when really it's not really very pertinent at all ... hit delete .. oh wait you published and look at all those mistakes ... you twat you twat you twat!

3:44 pm

 
Blogger gilmic said...

sympathy. i want some chocolate but trying to be good i eat a yoghurt instead. the yoghurt says 'i am not chocolate'.

3:48 pm

 
Anonymous Mr Angry said...

What are these 'hormones' you speak of?

4:03 pm

 
Blogger Léonie said...

DF - Well it's all gone a bit tits agape on the diet front so I may as well shove bourbons up my nose and have a bath in some brandy, now. Thanks for the sympathy. Don't tell anyone, but that was kind of what I was after.

Mouldy - We are diet buddies, but yours, I suspect strongly, is going rather better than mine. Oh well.

Ellie - I didn't mean to steal from you. We could share our insecurities and leave them in a big basket in the middle, so that when one of us needs them we can just grab one that isn't being used. (what a stupid comment reply... twat, twat, twat, etc...)

gilmic - Yoghurt is a good substitute. I have so far tried the 'air' substitute and it isn't working so well.

Mr Angry - Oh, you wouldn't understand.
*throws chair and bursts into tears*

4:43 pm

 
Blogger Mouldy said...

Yes. You might think from my Blog. But at the weekend I had 2 fry ups, all-you-can-eat chinese, two pizzas, burger king and fish and chips.

So by my reckoning you are winning!

Not that its a race!

5:03 pm

 
Anonymous Adrian said...

If you are feeling a bit shakey it's because you are not getting enough complex carbs.

Have a big bowl of museli with skimmed milk for breakfast. This should stop you wanting to snack and stop you feeling shakey.

Have a big bowl of new covent garden soup kitchen soup for lunch (the whole carten) and a wholmeal breadroll. This should get you through the afternoon.

If you need to snack, half a tub of cottage cheese (throw some sliced tomatoes in) or a yogurt (throw some fruit (berries)in) should do the trick.

As for hormones, they are a pain. All they make me do is say silly things around girls and look like a fool.

5:22 pm

 
Anonymous e. said...

Wait, but what about chocolage yogurt? Can you get chocolate yogurt over there? Stoneyfield or Brown Cow or, hell, even Yoplait has some bizarre whipped concoction that is similar to mousse. But with protein and cultures and happy diet feelings! I really find chocolate yogurt to be a god send.

5:33 pm

 
Blogger Doctor Jest said...

Is it just me , or was Impish... trying to tell you in a sly way that she just had her tongue pierced, and trying to blame your hair. Still at least she's not trying to blame hormones.

And if you're craving for lard with all the trimmings is there anything else you should be telling us at all? ;-)

6:47 pm

 
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I'm very far behind in my commenting so I will have to catch up.. but this diet sounds like it's harming you more than helping.. you know you do have to eat dear. ;) Personally, I had yogurt today - also not chocolate.. and I tried to avoid all the Pringles, cheeze-it's and doritos we bought yesterday for the office.. That plan failed badly.. but I ate well around it! Still I believe in a bit o chocolate every day.. just a bite. Good luck toots! Hormones suck!

2:22 am

 
Blogger Oli said...

Good look with the video, ive been and worked ona couple, and you should have a great time!

Admittedly all our videos had budgets under £20 and were mostly jokey videos, or a quick music vid, erm, dont fall ina puddle in the £15000 dress they might not be happy >.<

9:15 am

 
Blogger galatea said...

My 'diet' started well, yesterday, until my boss gave me a Twix. You can't turn down gifts!

Then, after I told him about my alleged diet, another colleague deliberately gave me a Kit Kat.

I suspect sabotage.

11:50 am

 
Blogger The Boy said...

Do hormones multiply in the heat, seems to be a lot of it about at the moment?

12:26 pm

 
Anonymous Euan said...

But did the stick have a joke on it?

2:43 pm

 
Blogger Shari said...

I am feeling quite hormonal myself of late...and Adrian's comment made me mad, then sad, realizing that it was probably totally correct.

I hate that.

*sob*

3:06 am

 
Anonymous Adrian said...

Sorry Shari. Didn't mean to make anyone mad or sad. I Presume you weren't talking about the food comment but the other one. No upset ness was intended.

12:26 pm

 

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