Tuesday, February 26, 2008

That Time

I had forgotten how horrible this month is. Extra letter or no extra letter. January is expected to be rubbish, but really it is the most potential-filled month of the year. You're allowed to be fat, broke and depressed in January. It is socially acceptable to have what is affectionately known as "the blues".

By February, though, you've had a whole month to put into action all those resolutions that January gurgled up. It is no longer a new year, it's now just another year. If you had planned to do something brilliant in 2008, you really should be a twelfth of the way through it by now.

What if, though, you've just started your third office job of the year? What if you still have no money, you still feel depressed and your room is no tidier? What if you haven't actually managed to write any new music and what if you are secretly not sure whether you can quite remember how?

Last year I hated February. Life was worse then, without a shadow of a doubt. A relationship was about to hiss out its last forlorn breaths, having been ill-advisedly resurrected a few months previously. It was agonizingly and cruelly consigned to the funeral pyre once again, leaving me even more bowed and broken than it had the first time. I was living at home. I had stopped going to Eastbourne to record when I realized that, in fact, there was something extremely unhealthy and stagnant about the whole set-up. I was trying to deal with the fact that those months had been wasted, that I was, in more ways than one, going to have to face up to the consequences of my own terrible choices. My parents had a bed for me, so of course I was lucky. I must admit, though, that I didn't really feel it. I felt broken.

This year, though, is better. I live in Brixton. Money still fuels a large part of my anxiety but I am working. Those relationships that had just withered last year are now long behind me and there are other pieces of those things that are happier and more promising. I am not broken. Life seems full of potential.

I feel depressed, though. A train is hitting me in the mornings. I can't think in straight lines, and I feel constantly guilty and anxious. Suddenly lots of seeds I sowed months ago are becoming green shoots and are wiggling their way upwards, but, just as suddenly, I have been rendered completely incapable of doing anything to nurture them. I have been thrust back into that cycle of depression and guilt that wakes me in the night and makes me stare at blank pieces of paper. Maybe I should write a list of stuff I have to do, of ways to make it better. I stare at the paper, though, and all words vanish from my mind, leaving only misty, formless uncertainty.

I want to sleep, to run away and to drown in my own self-involved, self-perpetuating paranoia. I want to be cold because I feel like I deserve it, and I am a narcissist for writing those words.

I want to scream and shout, but I also never want to say another word.

7 Comments:

Blogger Ys said...

i had similar feelings creativity-wise. because of the raising puppies followed by the moving house i didn't write for four months straight, which i haven't done in about six years! i was also scared i wouldn't remember how to do it and kept putting it off until today i sat down, opened the laptop and started the novel i wanted to start two months ago.

i hope you find your inspiration again. nothing cures the blues better than creativity. perhaps you could try pooring your depression into your music. that always helps me (with my writing, obv.).

4:33 pm

 
Blogger nuttycow said...

That's not fun. Can't think of anything suitable to say since I don't really have such downs... would wine and chocolate help?

4:46 pm

 
Blogger Boy said...

Definitely go with the list idea. It's good to have that organisation, but then make sure you have plan of attack. It'll give everything a bit of structure that way, and it'll help you feel in control. Something I really need to do with my finances!

5:58 pm

 
Blogger Clarissa said...

I want to give you a hug.

You are smart and funny and beautiful, and you are right that February really is a shitty, shitty month.

mchwa (sound of a kiss), me

9:35 pm

 
Blogger Badass Geek said...

I battle bouts of depression by practicing major and minor chords on my keyboard. It really focuses the mind and makes you concentrate on other things.

Also, playing Tenacious D at loud volumes tends to help, too.

2:04 pm

 
Blogger One Fine Weasel said...

Just keep going, sweetie, and be kind to yourself. There's always an up after a down. Hugs.

1:33 pm

 
Blogger Curly said...

Thoughts rarely go in straight lines.

This train that hits you in the mornings, is it replaced by buses at the weekends due to engineering works?

Keep up the positive approach, it'll win over in the end! x

2:46 pm

 

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