Tuesday, November 22, 2005

This'll cheer you right up.

I wroted a little post about my weekend and then the computer went like this: HA HA I am all powerful and I happen to be in a bit of a bad mood so FUCK YOU I am just going to have a little sleep and oops! Were you writing something? That you hadn't saved? Goodness I am SO terribly sorry. (Snigger)

So I can't be arsed to re-write it.

I will sum up:

FRIDAY: In the studio with a producer. Singing. Had nice dinner. Actually I am a bit hungry now, but that isn't relevant to Friday so I won't mention it.
SATURDAY: Met my friend Chris, went shopping. I bought shoes for £9 and some gloves for £12. He bought me lunch and we walked up and down Brick Lane where the vintage shops live. We went to the pub and got drunk, went to his halls of residence and watched a film where Denzel Washington does something terribly brave and noble and people shed tears of first fear, then joy and admiration. As I recall we said awfully witty and derisive things about it, but it could not conceal the fact that we both wanted to see what happened at the end. Oh, and we had pizza. And wine. Then I got the tube home.
SUNDAY: Went to a housewarming party in West Hampstead. I had heard rumour of mulled wine and nice food, so I made an extra special effort to get there on time and managed to only arrive forty minutes late. I was not disappointed in the mulled wine and food stakes. (I'm still quite hungry, although it isn't relevant to Sunday either so I am still not mentioning it.)

So that's that.

What I REALLY want to talk about today is something I heard on the radio yesterday. Which is one of the funniest stories I have ever, ever heard. Usually I am not one to participate in stories involving this sort of thing. But. Oh this is good.

I was listening to Radio One yesterday afternoon, more specifically to the Scott Mills show. At the very beginning of the show Scott announces that he has received an email from a girl called Natalie, and that he is going to call her and try to persuade her to tell her story on air.

He calls her. Begs, pleads with her to tell her story. She refuses point blank. She says that the story is too embarrassing, that she has changed her mind and just cannot bring herself to talk about the experience she wrote to him about. Scott tries to convince her, offers to send her things, freebies, tickets, anything she wants. But, no. She just won't. He hangs up the phone, saying that he'll call her back and try again in twenty minutes. Which he does. And, much to his delight, she caves. This is what she said. Natalie's story. On live radio.

"I went out on Saturday night and met this guy. We clicked somehow, I liked him. We flirted, and by the end of the night we were together. I don't usually do this, but I went home with him. We had a great night, and I didn't regret going back to his because I really liked him and didn't think of it as a one night stand. I had to go into work on the Sunday, early, so I got up before he woke up. I went into his bathroom to get ready to leave, and I needed the toilet. Like, um, a, you know, number two. So I, um, went. But the thing was, I quickly discovered that the toilet wouldn't flush. I kept trying but it wouldn't. And it had started to smell. Really, really bad.
I kept trying to flush it, but it just wouldn't.
So I started to panic.
I couldn't face just leaving it there, stinking. I just couldn't. So I found a plastic bag that was lying there and, well, scooped it. I wrapped it in toilet roll, planning to get rid of it on my way home. So I made to exit, quickly.
I thought I'd just write a little note for him, so I found a bit of paper on the kitchen table and wrote a note, just saying I had a great time, I'd love to see you again soon, here's my number. I signed it with a kiss and left the house.
I was halfway home before I realised that I'd left the bag on the table. Next to the note."

I have not laughed so much for so, so long. Thank you, Natalie. Thank you. I bow to you.

"I had a great time, I'd love to see you again. Oh, and by the way? Here's a nice bag with some of my shit in it. Enjoy!"

Fucking genius. Made my whole week.

17 Comments:

Blogger Bug said...

Can't think of anything witty to write - laughing much too much!

11:50 am

 
Blogger randommummy said...

You know how some times you are reading a blog when you are on the phone, supposably listening with rapt attention? Yeah. Not a good thing to do when reading this entry. I burst out laughing in the middle of the callers sentence, and had NO good excuese.

1:47 pm

 
Anonymous Paul said...

Oh god. I don't know who to feel more sorry for - poor, mortified Natalie, or confused, insulted one-night-stand man.

It's so funny, though, that it's hard to care all that much :-)

2:29 pm

 
Blogger Doug said...

I have nothing witty to compliment that either. I'm laughing my ass off though.

2:51 pm

 
Anonymous Jenny said...

I suppose she didn't hear back from him then? LOL

3:21 pm

 
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Aggh just choked on my cup of tea. Oh my god, that is the funniest thing ever. Poor, poor girl.

4:44 pm

 
Blogger Doug said...

A couple of hours later and I'm still laughing at this. I even told this story at lunch and someone had to spit thier drink out.

6:28 pm

 
Anonymous number1hypocrite said...

And women wonder why men don't return phone calls sometimes.

Case and point.

8:04 pm

 
Anonymous Euan said...

Did he call back? Maybe he likes that kind of thing.

10:06 pm

 
Blogger monkey typist said...

i dont even know what to say..beyond awful!!...funny though!

10:43 pm

 
Blogger Adz said...

OH NO!!! Thats awful!!! I would have changed my name and moved country if that was me!

11:19 am

 
Blogger lady miss marquise said...

I am laughing so hard, I have had so many dating disasters but I simply cannot compete with that at all...
Poor poor girl.

*giggles*

12:07 pm

 
Blogger C said...

You know the last line you wrote was it a little pun... or have I just got a dirty mind?

'Made my whole week'

Because in the context of the post that would be genius,

'Made my hole weak'?

1:10 pm

 
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Ok.. I have toilet dreams.. like.. bad, embarrassing ones.. but that, THAT, is worse than all of them put together and it's REAL! Omg.. I laugh and cry for her at the same time! :)

8:52 am

 
Blogger EmmaK said...

Very funny story about the bag. Very intriguing. Burning question is of course, did he call her, if just to say, did you forget a piece of excrement here?

10:09 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ur not funny and im from usa biotch

7:30 am

 
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7:40 am

 

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