Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Much too open for the Internet.

My boyfriend talks in his sleep, and walks around the room in his sleep as well.

I think it's catching, because last night, when he was fiddling with the CD player IN HIS SLEEP I asked him what he was doing, only I called him the wrong name.

This is not good. I don't have a clue why I called him the other name, because it's not an ex-boyfriend's name. It was someone we had been talking about just before we went to sleep and I was thinking about the conversation as I drifted off.

I hope so much that he doesn't remember. I was going to ask him but he left for work before I got up.

I hope I haven't blown it.

My friend recently told me that I come across as independent and "very un-needy". That is, she said, until you get to know me.

My boyfriend asked me last night what the cuts and scratches on my arms were.

I wanted to tell him, but I just couldn't quite find the right words. I sat in silence staring at his knee for about a minute and a half, trying to formulate sentences and failing.

I just about managed to tell him. Eventually. I think I said the phrase "you're going to think I'm crazy" about ten times before I managed to be honest.

I don't know what his reaction was, really. He is unreadable. I hope I haven't put him off me.

We talked about it. I was guarded and simultaneously trying to laugh it off and be honest. It doesn't happen often, I told him. Most of the time I'm fine! Fine! Sometimes I'm not, though. I... I don't know why.

He thinks I should go and see a psychologist. He said that it might perhaps help me to see the world and to see myself differently. To identify triggers and to find things that help.

He's right, of course. He mentioned something about biorhythms, as well.

I avoided eye contact and felt like an idiot.

I feel like an idiot.

His reaction was all good, but there didn't seem to be much affection. I don't even know if he likes me.

I cannot really deal with it.

I don't think I have been this honest very much on my blog. At the moment I feel so torn that I can't be any other way.

I am so tired, that's all. Tired physically, and tired of trying to work out what someone is feeling when I have only scraps of evidence.

I should ask. I am just scared that the process of asking will determine the answer.

I am an idiot. I am an over-analytical, loserish idiot.

I, once again, cannot work out how to make anything better.

I woke up in his bed this morning feeling like I had been hit by a train. Actually, no, I woke up, opened my eyes and then BANG there was the train. I wanted to cry. Cry and cry and cry. I didn't, though. He got up and got ready for work and I lay there, not crying.

As he came to kiss me goodbye I turned my face slightly and his kiss landed on my cheek.

I cannot believe I'm writing this all down. I can't stop, though.

I lay there. I could have cried, then. I still didn't, though.

I could cry now, but I'm not. I'm not.

Please tell me what to do. I feel so lost.

7 Comments:

Blogger Rebecca said...

Come home straight away tonight. I'll make you something nice to eat and we can talk. For as long as it takes. Even if it takes all night. I know I can't say anything right at this moment to make it go away - I don't know if I can say anything at any time, but please remember that so many people love you. Really love you. I am here for you night or day. I just wish I could suffuse you with the feeling I get just knowing that you are there for me if I need you.

I have been so wrapped up in my own stupid head recently and I am sorry if I haven't listened enough or haven't noticed how bad things have become.

Forgive me. I will do anything to help and never judge you. You are amazing.

11:40 am

 
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

"I should ask. I am just scared that the process of asking will determine the answer."

This is the never ending circle of fear I always find myself caught up in.

I'm so sorry I didn't see this post yesterday. I am glad that I read today's post first though because otherwise I would be FREAKING out wondering how you are and hoping that you are ok, wishing that I could contact you to say it will be ok.

It's not too open or honest - it is you and that is what this place is about. Being you. We will not judge, or scorn or laugh. We will be here and try to make you feel a bit better if possible.

It sounds like you have a lot of great friends who are there for you. You know how to get in touch with me if I can ever help in anyway.

I think you are amazing and that is just from words on a page.

4:54 pm

 
Blogger Rigmor said...

I think this was a very powerful entry. You put word on so many things and thoughts that I really can identify with, and although I only "know" you from your blog I still thought I should say something - if I only knew what.

Things can be terribly bleak and terribly bright. Sometimes at the same time, which makes it weird.

I hope you are feeling better today. And I wish I'd had something sensible to say seeing as you just wrote an entry that really touched something in me.

9:30 pm

 
Blogger Adz said...

Writing things down is an excellent way of getting things out of your system and it helps you deal with it and understand it.

You're not an idiot, I'm one of those, and I don't think you even come close to that!

From what I read on here, you sound like a lovely, funny great person to be around!

10:28 pm

 
Blogger lady miss marquise said...

You are most definitely not an idiot - you are able to express what you are feeling in words and let it out. Not alot of people are able to do it, I think this post was incredibly brave.

And being honest with the bf is a huge step - it's incredibly courageous of you to be able to admit to something and then go forward from that. Of course you're feeling lost, you just trusted something that's completely yours with someone and you don't know how they will react to it.
You are an amazing person and are so lucky to have such incredible friends to help you through these.
I wish you all the best and hope today is a little brighter...!

x

11:30 am

 
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I'm sorry I'm just reading this now.. it sounds like you have a very good support system tho. I do hope you're feeling better and I agree w/ everyone here - brave post. I wish I could send hugs in the mail.

7:43 pm

 
Blogger NF Girl said...

I used to have cuts and scratches on my arms too. Noone knew.

If you ever want to chat to someone email me from my site.

Your blog is great, I am linking to you.

5:47 pm

 

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