Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The obligatory meta-blogging post

I have looked at the referrals bit on my sitemeter thing.

It's interesting to see what Google hits I get.

Someone searched my name, complete with the accent on the é.

They got my singing website and my blog.

I hope it wasn't, you know, someone who I don't want to be reading about my excessive mentalness as displayed in the previous post. If it was you, and you think that perhaps I wouldn't want you to know all about the mentalness, please read some of the better posts. Or just don't read any of it.

I know that the risk when choosing not to be anonymous is that people will be able to know who I am, and therefore know all my secrets as I choose to disclose them. This has caused problems before. Problems and confusion, sometimes in the manner of a soap opera mix-up that is easily resolved but not before a few mistaken idenity-related red-faces, and sometimes in a more horrible, sinister way.

I don't regret putting my name underneath the things that I have written, and in a way I feel like it is a good exercise in courage of conviction to not be ashamed of what I have to say.

Of course I try to exercise restraint and discretion. In fact, I think that the previous post was the most specific, personal, and therefore dangerous (in terms of me getting into trouble) that I have written yet.

If you have googled me and you have arrived here, please don't hate me for anything I have written. Please don't think less of me because I bare my flickering soul to strangers. Please don't openly wonder how one has TIME to do this sort of thing, therefore implying that my life is empty. It takes me half an hour to write a post, and I need it now. If I don't talk to the Internet I'd only talk to you, and that would be boring for you, you'd most likely tire of me and walk off. The Internet doesn't do that. Or at least if it does then I don't know about it.

Yes, to an extent I think I write here because it is easier than actually communicating with other, non-virtual people. I don't trust people who I am supposed to trust, but I do trust the Internet not to use what I have told it and turn it back on me. I trust it not to use my own pain as ammunition against me.

In one of the Hitchhikers' Guide books (perhaps Life, the Universe and Everything) Zaphod Beeblebrox is take to Frogstar B, wherein lies the most powerful and destructive weapon of all time. It is called the Total Perspective Vortex, and it is capable of completely annihilating the human soul. It was invented by a man, a philosopher, whose wife was always on at him to stop mooning around thinking about things like 'the universe' and 'what it all means', and think about real life events. Money, for example. The washing up. She kept telling him to "get some perspective". On and on, until one day he decides to invent this machine. He links it up (to a piece of fairycake) and plugs her in. He is horrified to see that her brain is annihilated. What the Total Perspective Vortex does, you see, is show you the whole universe in its entirety, and then a little arrow flashes up, saying "You Are Here".

Perpective, it turns out, is not such a great thing after all.

The way this relates (and oh, but it's tenuous) is that when Zaphod goes in there, he is fine. He comes out having been informed that he is the most important person in the entire universe. That he, in fact, constitutes the whole universe and everything just revolves around him. This because at the time he is actually exisiting in a Virtual Universe that has been created for the sole purpose of allowing him to survive the Total Perspective Vortex.

In Blogland we are protected, we can say what we like about ourselves. We can tell as much or as little as we like, use complex analogies that don't make sense and that involve bits of stories from our favourite books, discard the rules of spelling or grammar, slag off whoever we want to slag off, and always be protected by the fact that this space is ours.

This space, this little piece of blank page, it is mine. You can say what you like about me, about what I write and who I appear to be and I can counter with the fail-safe argument that "this is my blog I'll write what I like". I can take time to explain what I mean, and then edit until I am happy, until it comes out right.

I am the centre of this tiny universe that has been created for me. In it I do not have to face the pain and distress of a world where things come out wrong, where I am incapable of being honest about my state of mind without trying to make a joke about it or worrying that the other person will hate me for it.

To sum up, if you have googled me and found this, please don't hate me for it. I am shit in real life, and I feel like here I am marginally better. I make time for it.

I... I am not sure quite what I'm trying to say.


Blogger Ant said...

I've said this before and I know it's one thing to say and quite another to do but:

You've got to stop caring (or at least care much less) about what other people think about you. Bring it from within. Focus on the good stuff that you bring to the world, and if others have a problem with you, fuck 'em.

And the good stuff is a lot: I don't know you that well but I do know that the posts you write are good and your singing is amazing too.

I've wondered about whether I should blog with my real name too and in the end I thought it was a good call. Standing by what you say an' all that.

There is a tendency in the blogosphere for people to hide behind an online "personality". If your last two posts have shown anything it's that here we're getting the honest truth.


4:26 pm

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

I think the people that know you in real life are very lucky.

So people that find your blog and know you in real life are super lucky.

Only someone super duper amazing could use the Hitchhikers guide as a metaphor (oh god, is that right or am I just gonna look really stupid?) so well.

I hope that your prize is there when you get home tonight and I hope that it makes you smile.

Funny, I wrote a similarish post yesterday (well not really) but about being myself on my blog and people who read it.

Keep smiling, if you don't feel like it think of pink frogs wearing tiaras and pearls, doing the congo and singing I will Survive. Or something.

4:59 pm

Blogger hen said...

Hmm... are you saying the blog provides a mechanism to express thoughts and emotions that you would not normally be willing or able to express due to social pressures of the real world, so in a way has become a more valid representation of your inner self - but an inner self that you are not quite ready to show or are worried about revealing to some people you know in the real world?

I was going to post a comment on the previous one because I have some scars on my arms but I stopped a long time ago and time has faded them to nearly nothing and I know how confusing new relationships can be... but I decided not to because well... shouting into the void is one thing, but when it starts answering back with annoying advice that is something else completely.

For what it is worth I think your blog makes you out to be intelligent, funny, creative and sensitive. I wouldn't worry about the mentalness too much.

5:11 pm

Blogger Adz said...

As Kelly said "I think the people that know you in real life are very lucky."

10:46 pm

Anonymous Paul said...

It's actually in Restaurant at The End Of The Universe. After that, Zaphod is taken to meet the person who rules the universe, and lives in a shed with his cat. Life, The Universe, And Everything is the one with all the cricket jokes.

12:14 am

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

First of all, you can not be shit and sing like that and write like that.. you're not shit. I know shit people.. trust me, you're not one of them and I don't even have to really know you.. so there. Please don't think that about yourself.

Second - I have my id name and once in a while, my real name slips out.. it doesn't bother me and I hope I don't mention things that offend anyone I know. I could write about some things very personal - I wear my heart on my sleeve in my writing and in real life so ppl expect that of me. There isn't much I keep to myself.. but I try to think of others a bit more when I say anything involving others cuz the world wide web is everywhere.. but ppl love your honesty and knowing more about you. I think it says a lot about you that you're willing to do that - and fuck what anyone else thinks. It's your page, they're your ideas/thoughts.. if they don't like it, they don't have to read it. Personally, I delete any negative comments and don't even acknowledge them. They have no place in my blog world.

7:55 pm


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