Over Again

Possible titles for this post:

I Wasn't Crazy And It Wasn't All In My Head, As It Turns Out

Another One Bites The Dust

Why "I Just Feel No Affection For You" Is A Really Horrible Thing To Hear

Well, yes. As it turns out, he really didn't feel anything for me.

It's over.

To be honest I am a little relieved. I really wanted it to be lovely and I really wanted it to work in the long run, but there was no real spark there. He said he felt no affection for me.

I think he didn't mean it harshly. It hurts to be told that, though. He said that perhaps if he was a bit older it wouldn't matter so much, but at this age he's looking for something really special.

That also hurts.

We had a short phone conversation, which started with "I've got to be honest, Léonie, I want to break up with you" and ended with us agreeing to perhaps meet for a drink next time he's around Clapham.

All very amicable. Pleasant, even.

I feel relieved on two levels. Firstly I think that I had sensed that his interest was waning. There had been a connection at the beginning, but that connection didn't translate to actually going out with each other. I didn't feel much passion, I think. I am quite a passionate person, and I was greatly dismayed to find that it wasn't where I wanted it to be. I think that this, the passion, connection, chemistry or whatever you call it, was missing.

Interestingly Girl With A One Track Mind wrote a post about this*. Yesterday I read her post and sort of thought, Oh. Shit. That's what it is. That's what's missing.

I am relieved because I knew that it was missing, and I knew he knew. I think the sheer not-talking-about-it-ness was getting me down. You might have picked up on this if you've read any of the posts I've written over the last week. Perhaps somewhat on the maudlin side. Now it's all out in the open, neither of us has to pretend to feel anything we don't.

The other side of my relief is to do with the fact that I was petrified that I was just paranoid. That it was all in my head. That I am crazy. I am not entirely dismissing that possibility, and in fact I am still going to see a cognitive behavioural therapist because the way I deal with things and am overwhelmed by them could be greatly, greatly improved. I can now, however, acknowledge that, even though I perhaps was brought down by the situation more than I should have been, more than is healthy, I didn't actually imagine the situation in the first place.

I have learned to trust my instincts and my intuitions. If I had done that then I wouldn't have spent over a week questioning my own sanity.

For all this life-affirming positivity, however, I am not going to say that I don't feel a little bit horrible. I think the "I just don't feel any affection for you" bit was the worst, perhaps because it was something I had sensed and therefore was worried about.

No affection. I feel affection for people I see on the tube, for people I have never met. I certainly feel affection for people I have been seeing for a few months. For people I have been sleeping with.

I'm not heartbroken in any way. I am pleased that I don't have to worry anymore and I am, I must admit, feeling a little validated that my instincts were correct. I know that next time I will trust those instincts and intuitions, and not try to talk myself out of them.

The malaise I am feeling is connected to a feeling of disappointment. Of another ex to add to the ever-increasing collection.

I wanted something good to happen and it didn't. As simple as that. I think I just feel a bit crushed.


*http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/2006/03/how-to-be-good-lover.html