Thursday, June 08, 2006

Better becomes worse

The only thing I can think to write about is how I have nothing to write about.

Which is hugely innovative and exciting of me.

I feel marginally better, but still not anywhere near normal. I just don't understand it. I know that it is something going on inside my body, rather than reaction to something external, but it just makes it more frustrating as there's not really anything I can do to make it go away.

This morning I have written lists, worked out what it is I'm worrying about and worked out solutions. I managed to do this without putting my head down on my keyboard and fighting back tears more than twice. Which is an improvement. These lists have helped, have reassured me that I can cope with the things I need to do, but they don't actually make me feel any better inside.

I feel nothing. I am at a loss.

It is this feeling, a feeling of helplessness and apathy, that makes me want to self-harm. I am not going to do that now, because I know it upsets people. I just have this overwhelming desire to feel something. I am blank.

I just thought to myself that it's only the fact that I know it's temporary that gets me through, but that isn't actually the case. I get through because I just do. I don't stop because I start feeling like everything around me is frictionless. I have lived through these feelings, I always just live through them. That knowledge, that this culminates not in an abrupt, climactic stop, but in a slow ebbing, that just makes it more depressing.

I want bright colours and sharp excitement. I want vivid, azure, limitless passion. I want exhiliration and adrenalin and raw beauty. I want adventure. Today. Now.

I am bored of my steady tenacity, with being sensible and trying to make the right decisions and do the right thing and being careful with my money and not getting sunburnt and not having a credit card and sitting so that no one can see up my skirt and cutting off my split ends and not drinking too much and keeping to a schedule and all these things that give my life a structure and keep me on the rails.

I know that I'll just get through this, and that nothing will end it. I won't suddenly get that excitement and watch the feelings of apathy dissipate. Colour won't flood in as I find adventure. I will just adjust once more to the fact that I am on these rails because I am going somewhere, and if I am not on the rails I cannot move forward. I am inherently a sensible girl. I won't derail myself and hang around, knowing that I can hop back on and slide forward again at any point. I know myself.

I have finished now. I have run out of words.


Blogger La Chou said...

Dear Leonie,
I've been reading your blog for a couple months and I really enjoy it. You are an amazing writer with some amazing insights. I'm really sorry that you haven't been feeling well...I hope the funk goes away soon. You could do something really crazy and come to America to visit all your fans here!

3:46 pm

Blogger Leigh said...

Its amazing that I have come across someone who feels the same way I do, but who is able to express herself so much better than I can.

I struggle to get through each day, and I too go through phases where I feel so depressed and hopeless that all I can do to relieve myself is to cry until I feel numb to these feelings of despair. I have just risen out of a black phase that has held me in its grip for what seems like forever. For now, life is okay, but not great. Lately I have been considering therapy, even though I just cannot afford it.

Just so you know that there are others out there that feel the way you do, and who know what you are going through. I hope you feel better soon.

4:03 pm

Anonymous e. said...

Aww, I'm sorry you're still feeling down-in-the-dumps-y. It's the worst. However, if it's PMS-related as you theorized yesterday, at least you know it will pass very soon (if only to be replaced by pain and nausea, but hey... at least we don't have to deal with morning wood! I think that would be quite disconcerting.).

4:17 pm

Anonymous Adrian said...

Bright colours I can do.

Heres a bit of red, and green and white and yellow and pink.

I know what it's like when the world seems void of colours, or more so drained of colour.

I hope things pick up on the weekend for you.

8:48 am

Blogger Pub said...

Here's something to brighten up your week. I spoke to Tamar and she's playing (with Oddjob) at the Tabernacle on Wednesday . She said to ask you to go along and say hello.

I challenge you to not feel the funk when you hear oddjob play.

Hope you feel better soon

8:57 am

Blogger Ant said...

Keep going - you'll get through it. I suspect that recognising the signs and knowing that it will pass is half the battle...

Try and get into the sunshine and stimulate all those happy hormones in the head too...

10:01 am

Blogger Curly said...

It sounds like you need a little break from it all. Why don't you take yourself off to the countryside for a weekend - it's a great way to sit back and look at a world where life isn't so hectic!

Let me know if I can help at all - I've got a couple of funny jokes that I haven't used recently...?

11:21 am

Blogger Léonie said...

Wow, thanks. You are all very nice to me. I don't deserve it, what with the meanness and the kicking puppies and all that.

Curly - I think some new jokes might help.

Pub - Awesome. I will defintely go. Thanks!

11:36 am

Anonymous Anonymous said...

grr, i had been going to say (yesterday) that blogger wouldnt let me comment the day before. so this is what i was going to say two days ago: i know of some other pmt-y herbal things if youre looking- let me know because i dont want to bore you if youre not.

i hope youre feeling better already though.

12:48 pm

Blogger The Boy said...

Hey, going to delurk for a mo. I've had times in my life like you're describing and worse. This is going to sound cheasy, but it works for me. When those moods hit I sit down and delibrately think about the thinks that give me enjoyment, go out of my way to remind myself of the good in life. Then get up and go do something, however little, that gives my pleasure. Its not a big thing, but done delibrately, and done again and again, it works for me. I'm not talking about lights turning on or my mood suddenly doing a 180, but bit by bit the world lightens. If you want the technical term its called creating cignitive dissonance in your mind.

Any way. As others have said, you're not alone. I suspect there are more than a few in your life who love you. Just remind yourself once in a while.

12:48 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Oh honey.. I just want to scoop you up and take you to frickin Disneyland or something tho that I'm sure wouldn't do it. I'm wondering if you're on meds - and that's probably too personal a question, and I was only on them for a week - but omg did I ever have about 3 days where I felt absolutely nothing. So much it scared the bejesus out of me even tho I wasn't scared in the least - but I thought I should be and that's when I called the doctor.

Just remember what everyone has said - you aren't alone. Depression is very common and it may be something out of your control that is chemically imbalanced, but again, doesn't make you abnormal at all.

You are a very talented, bright, and charming little thing you know. And you deserve every bit of happiness or good wish you receive. Believe me.

I know I'm rambling, but I have a quote for you that's misquoted in Akeelah and the Bee and is from Marianne Williamson (who you should check out maybe) and I keep re-reading it to myself:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"


1:29 am

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