Monday, June 12, 2006

Monday Merriment.

The freckles have arrived. They are scattered over my face and shoulders, and the one in the middle of my nose, the one that is a perfect triangle, is darker and more visible.

I think the triangular freckle means I have magical powers. My theory is that one day I will come into these powers, bequeathed to me by a great witch. I'm not sure what I'll have to do with these powers. Saving the world seems like an awfully big job and wouldn't leave me much time for my singing. Perhaps I could just be like I am now, but just magical. Perhaps I am already magical.

As you can probably tell, I am feeling better. The strange thing about Thursday's episode of self-infliction is that, for the first time ever, I regretted it immediately. I woke up the next day and, looking down at my arm I closed my eyes and thought Oh, fuck. I wished so much that I hadn't done it. Not just because it upsets other people, although that is a massive factor, reason enough in itself, but because it upsets me. It makes me feel silly, to be honest. I spend so much of my time attempting to make something of myself, and it makes no sense to be damaging the very product I am working so hard to sell. That became clear to me in a way that it just hasn't before.

I used to be proud of it. It may sound shocking and selfish, and it probably was. I used to brandish my pain and secretly want people to notice and help me. It wasn't that I wanted them to hurt, at all, it was more that I wanted them to save me. I have always been rubbish at asking for help from people, and I suppose that's what I was doing. It was my way of telling people that I was hurting too much and I couldn't stop it, and asking them if, perhaps, they might rescue me.

I think Thursday night was more out of habit than anything else. Yes, I was hurting and feeling down. I knew, however, that the feelings of unhappiness were because of hormones and unusually high stress levels due to taking on too much. I knew it was going to be short term and that I would be feeling better soon. Which I am.

I have asked for help properly now. I asked my parents for help and they have helped me by paying for therapy, which is making sense and helping me. I don't need to be rescued anymore, I know I can save myself. I remember never being able to imagine a time when that would be the case. Now I am strong.

It was hard, just then, to write about why I never bothered to hide my scars. People ask me that question, and I always say that I don't know, that I just don't care if people see. If I'm honest with myself, though, I know that people seeing was part of the process, that what I was doing wasn't only about myself, it was about my relationships with the people I perceived as potential saviours.

I don't want to be saved anymore. The CBT is slowly working on my self-esteem. We are abandoning my inherent belief that, unless I am somehow perfect, I am not worth anything. Perfection is a myth, and sometimes error and failure are alright. This is something I apply to other people, but never to myself. I demand perfection from myself whilst simultaneously knowing it isn't really possible. Which is exhausting and completely illogical.

This has been an overly introspective post. I am willing these new scars on my left arm to disappear so that I can start afresh. I have never really wanted to before, if I am honest. I get no pleasure from looking at these cuts, and I don't want people to see them because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I also really, really don't want to hurt anyone as much as they have hurt people this weekend. By cutting my arms I wound other people more than I do myself.

If you are a real-non-virtual-life friend reading this, please don't think I am in need of help. Please, everyone, don't worry about me. I feel like I needed to see whether it still made me feel better. To prod at that reaction and test the efficacy of it. It no longer, I have realised, works for me. It's the same feeling as realising you're over a particularly painful break-up. One day you re-visit the feelings and realise you've healed without knowing it. Without seemingly even having to try.

To sum up, then, it's all good.

I had a lovely weekend. Friday night was lovely, Saturday I hung out on Clapham Common with my friend Pippa. I bikini-ed it up, but the factor thirty suncream prevented any burning. Or changing colour of any kind. I have been brought up to slap on the suncream at all times, which I sometimes regret because I am never as tanned as the other girls. However, I would prefer to be safe. Once a girl at school called Laura, whose skin was as fair as mine if not fairer, sat out for an entire lunchtime with tin foil under her legs. You could see the angry red burning through the black tights she was forced to wear for the next week to prevent further damage. Idiot.

Yesterday I met up with my friend Kirsten and we went for lunch in South Kensington before getting some wine and sitting by the river. It was an amazingly fun day, and we both ended up drunk and in very high spirits. Today I am slightly shaky and very hot. London is a hot place to be at the moment. The tube is not fun.

Enough rambling from me. I thought I'd let you know that my world is sunny again, and that I have come out of the other side like I knew I would. I am lucky.


Blogger NF Girl said...

Glad you are feeling better. You sound like you have made a break through of sorts with the self harming. Well done. :-)

12:55 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your honesty staggers me. Thanks for taking the risk to be open. I think it helps all of us.

2:04 pm

Anonymous Lorna Griffiths said...

I am so glad things are better for you - coming out the other side of something like that is always very therapeutic in itself.

Lots of non-worrying hugs to you :)


4:31 pm

Blogger The Boy said...

As painful as the last few posts where to read, this one was a pleasure. Good on you, you are the only one that can make this better, and it sounds like you're winning.

6:57 pm

Anonymous Adrian said...

I know exactly what you mean by doing it out of force of habit. The good thing is that once the habit is broken, and it can be broken it's makes it a lot easier not to do. And since you are working on the under lying reasons you sound all on track.

I've decided to start hurting myself recently by playing sport. It's almost more foolish with my co-ordination, and easier to hide, as no one wants to see a purple and yellow foot.

Out of interest is it acceptable to take a pen and join someone's freckles together in patterns or dubious drawings. I always find that hard to resist.

10:31 pm

Anonymous Euan said...



11:20 pm

Anonymous Impish little sister said...

my Léonie...

mr.léonie head, i realise each day how much we are sisters..

can't wait to see you, no saving necessary (aller retour) just so much love xxxxxxx

2:21 am

Blogger Ant said...

Glad you're feeling better. And I agree with anonymous: you're honesty about this stuff is amazing (and very gutsy)...

9:55 am

Blogger Leigh said...

I am shocked at how much I can relate to this post.

I have self-harmed in the past, although dont anymore, even though the thought does sometimes cross my mind.

I recently opened up to my mom about how Ive been feeling for years, and have expressed that I would like to go for therapy. Coincidentally I read an article in Cosmopolitan Magazine about CBt, and decided that that was probably what I need. Unfortunately I dont think my parents will ever be able to pay for it, so it might be a lost cause.

Im glad you're feeling better though. Good for you. I hope this time it stays this way.

10:31 am

Blogger Curly said...

The sun and the re-appearance of freckles always makes things better eh? So does wine, parks and rivers - but obviously not tin-foil.

I'm pretty pale skinned too, but I make a big deal of it and deliberately stand next to really dark-skinned people so I look even whiter, people usually laugh. But I like that.

10:45 am

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

I totally think that you are amazing. I have no idea how long I have been reading your blog but it has been a while and I am blown away by the transformation that seems to be happening right in front of my eyes.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and with everyone else. Things can and will happen for you and I really hope you will carry on taking me for the ride!!!

3:36 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

So happy you're feeling better.. this post was lovely and I'm glad you can see that light. So many hugs to you sweet girl!

1:44 am


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