Monday, July 31, 2006

Sneaky

Every now and then a Monday rolls around that whacks me firmly around the head and leaves me nonplussed. Dizzy with the realisation that it will be five days before I stand any chance of getting enough sleep, four more days of being shaken into consciousness by the shrill whining of my phone alarm. Four more mornings of sitting on the side of my bed, covers thrown grudgingly back, staring bleary-eyed at the carpet before summoning the strength to stand up and make my way to the shower. Minutes wasted gazing into my wardrobe looking for something to wear before finally giving in and looking on the floor instead. Wondering why I wake up with a headache every single day. Why, by the time I get to work, it turns into an earache. Sometimes it feels like the beginnings of a panic attack, only it can't be, because that would make no sense. It feels like a nervous nausea combined with exhaustion, which I don't understand.

At the moment I am nervous. I feel like things are slipping out of my grasp somehow. I don't really know what's going on. I want someone to stand in front of me with a big whiteboard and some coloured marker pens and do a big map of my life, just so I can make sure I know what goes where. Perhaps with pictures and sound effects.

I'm going to New Zealand next Saturday. This seems a bit unreal at the moment, because I don't really believe I'm going. I think when Tom goes this Saturday it'll be more real, and when I am actually shoving every pair of knickers I own into a giant suitcase stuffed primarily with toiletries and developing a mild (read: severe) case of OCD about the location and expiry date of my passport it will finally dawn on me that I am actually going. There are moments of clarity, moments when Tom and I are talking about the walking, skiing, sea kayaking, or staying on a remote farm worlds away from the Bank branch of the Northern Line and the nearest Starbucks, when the excitement hits me and I want to jump up and down and dance crazily with glee. It feels like running away, and I can't wait.

I feel a bit that I am on the verge of feeling deep panic, and I'm not really sure what it's all about, which is only adding to it. I must write a big list so I can work out what I'm worrying about, which sounds crazy, but I hate the feeling of walking around carrying an un-named worry, because the longer it goes unidentified the worse it becomes. Panic breeds panic.

On a slightly brighter note, my Impish Little Sister (Sophie) has a myspace, which is very exciting and good and which you must listen to at once. Go!

http://www.myspace.com/seasonshifters

I am going to go and find some coloured pens and work out what is going on via the medium of colouring stuff in.

Happy Monday.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Adrian said...

I can't do whiteboard, but I could do an animated powerpoint presentation. (all those years of work came in handy)

Actually some weeks I look forward to Monday just to get some sleep, after a hectic sleep deprived weekend. Not often mind you.

As for the rest, I refer you to Douglas Adams and the hitchikers guide to the galaxy which has on it in big friendly letters

"Don't Panic

12:23 pm

 
Blogger Huw said...

Next Saturday I will have quit my job and packed all my things in a van and left London after 6 years living here.

I haven't quite got my head round that either...

1:45 pm

 
Blogger Léonie said...

Adrian - Oh yes, a powerpoint presentation would be even better! As for Douglas Adams, I have a sticker on the front of my diary on which I have written 'Don't Panic' in the largest, friendliest letters I can manage. It does actually help.

Huw - Blimey. I'm only going on holiday, and I feel a bit overwhelmed thinking about that. Good luck with it all.

2:20 pm

 
Anonymous Impish little sister said...

hey mr.léonie head,

thanks for telling your internet friends about my myspace, its very exciting- i can have internet friends too now!

so much love to you my darling sister,

impish xxxx

3:53 pm

 
Blogger Ellie said...

Good for you girl. For as on the verge as it sounds that you think you are, you sound surprisingly sane - ie the healthy approach to dealing w/ the shit hitting the fan (lists and colouring) ... in your shoes I would probably be eating chocolate or fantasizing about Mr. Angry's netball team. xx, e

5:21 pm

 
Blogger Curly said...

The entire first paragraph would sit nicely over at my place too.

I write things down when I'm worried about something too. Although I don't usually figure out what was up, I just practice my autograph, draw triangles and write odd poems. It gets rid of anxiety!

5:42 pm

 
Blogger Rebecca said...

hello. only me. i've started up my blog again for beter or for worse. On friday i lay in a crumpled heap under my duvet until an hour before i had to leave for the weekend as i couldn't cope with the un-nameable worries. maybe see you tonight, if you are coming home?

PS I ate the extra large twix in the kitchen. oh dear.

6:36 pm

 
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

You guys have Twix in the kitchen? I'm so jealous!

I digress..

Anyway.. I have those moments.. sometimes.. but I let the auto pilot take over.. Just remember to breathe dear girl.. at least 3 big deep breaths, eyes closed.. and just tell yourself, it's gonna be ok.. it's easy. And force yourself to smile. It just might make you feel a teensy bit better.. I hope so anyway. And then give yourself a big hug from me. Have so much fun!

1:37 am

 
Blogger Léonie said...

Imp - Ah, of course I would share you with the Internet. I love the songs, and I'll call you today or tomorrow.

Ellie - Don't think that I'm not fantasizing about the netball team at the same time. With my colouring pencils I am designing us team outfits.

Curly - Whatever helps. I think that doing something that forces you to focus on something completely different, somehow hepls to stop the feeling of panic whirring around and calms everything down. Let's all take up needlepoint.

Bec - I wasn't aware of any Twixes! Now I suppose I never will be. Glad you've started blogging again, I shall be reading the Nice entries diligently, so update often, please.

Miss D - Thank you, you are lovely. I didn't know anything about the Twix in the kitchen, all I have in my cupboard is lentils, chickpeas and some vitamins, so don't be too jealous.

10:10 am

 
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

I have an overwhelming urge to draw you a picture too. I am going on holiday this Saturday but nowhere as glam and exciting as you.

I can't check out impish little sister from work as they have blocked my space as it is 'personals and dating' apparently. Sigh.

When I get that feeling you have I just tell myself it is excitement not nerves and it helps me deal with it a bit.

Or do some knitting or something :)

10:47 am

 
Blogger Bright Light District said...

If you're not having fun with your weekdays, maybe it's time to do something about your life. You should probably try out new things to do like bungee jumping, or visiting webdate__dot__com to meet new people! Think of things to do that would get your focus back in life.

2:06 pm

 

Post a Comment

<< Home