Friday, September 15, 2006

This post is why people hate blogs.

The area around my nose piercing is slightly painful. It hurts when I scrunch my nose up. Why don't I, you may or may not ask depending on how much time you have on your hands, just stop scrunching my nose? Well, I might, if I felt like it, reply, I have taken to doing it every thirty or so seconds to test out whether it still hurts or not. I have not yet gone as far as to record my findings in a small spiral-bound notebook. It has not stopped hurting. I fear amputation might be the only cure.

I went for pizza last night at the restaurant-down-the-road with Tom and housemate David. The restaurant-down-the-road is run by a man who is very, very French and has an alarming habit of sneaking up behind people and saying things loudly in an unintelligble French accent. We were sure, though, from the tone, that he was saying nice things so we smiled and nodded. At one point Tom said "Yes!" in a manner at once enthusiastic and hopeful, which seemed to be the right answer as the Frenchman laughed wildly for a bit before adjusting his beret with a satisfied sigh.

This weekend I am once again going to Eastbourne to record my mis-matched socks off. This means a train journey and too much coffee. Then another train journey.

Watching Eastenders when you haven't really ever seen it before is a baffling experience. Particularly if you're watching it with someone else who hasn't watched it before. Everytime someone says something darkly that hints at something dramatic having taken place, or someone says "wos gahn on?" and the other people on screen look guilty, you will turn to each other and ask what is, in fact, going on. Despite knowing that the other person has as little idea as you do, you will keep this up for the full half hour.

(I just scrunched my nose. It still hurts. Why?)

(Don't say "because you have a piece of METAL in your face, idiot".)

(Unless you're my Dad in which case I would be disappointed if you didn't.)

Do you know what I would really like? No you don't, I'll tell you.

I would like to be told a good joke.

Someone must have one. I have heard the one about the two fish in the tank. I have also heard the one about the birds on the perch.

Get cracking, now, please.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Mark said...

it's not a joke but i defy you not to laugh: www.beedogs.com, it makes total sense.

2:32 pm

 
Blogger Huw said...

To supplement - nay, complete - your collection of jokes of the fish/perch variety.

Two snowmen stood in a field. One sez to the other:
"Can you smell carrots?"

Yeah, you've heard it. Sue me.

2:48 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yesterday my best friend finally broke down and told me that I really should stop slaughtering hitchhikers and keeping their bodies in my shed. So I went out and bought one of those big freezers for more storage.

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts

And if that doesn't do, how about this simple little truism:

"Blood is thicker than water, but it's never as refreshing after a run"

im so very sorry

3:20 pm

 
Blogger Léonie said...

Mark - It does. It makes sense. I feel like I understand the world so much more clearly.
(I know that a post calling for jokes is almost always going to garner a comment from you. I am so cunning.)

Huw - I have heard it. It's a good one, but seasonal. Try harder. You can do better than that.

Anon - Don't be sorry. That's some good work, there, oh mysterious anonymous one. Thank you.

3:36 pm

 
Blogger Huw said...

How about...

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

Am I officially your most childish reader or what?

4:25 pm

 
Anonymous Paul said...

Bee-dogs is brilliant. Plus, if you go to the links page, you'll be led to the equally inane and wonderful www.catsinsinks.com.

Guess what you'll see there.

I love the internet. I love that this incredible resource is used by mad people to put up photos of cats in sinks.

4:26 pm

 
Anonymous Mark said...

Paul, can I draw your attention to the equally entertaining, and self explanatory

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

Leonie, I imagine you'll like these too.

5:08 pm

 
Blogger Curly said...

An unhappy looking man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a beer, but only asks for 5% his pint glass to be filled. A little confused, he pours the man this small amount of beer but couldn't help asking..

"So, why don't you want a full pint?"

"Well, you'd be ordering the same if you had what I had.."

"Oh, sounds bad? If you don't mind me asking, what do you have?"

"Ten pence"

5:15 pm

 
Blogger Léonie said...

I cannot believe how many cats look like Hitler. It's quite astonishing.

My favourite bit on the site is where it says:

"Does your cat look like Adolf Hitler? Do you wake up in a cold sweat every night wondering if he's going to up and invade Poland?"

Next we need:

www.catsthatlooklikehitlerinsinksbeinglookedatbydogsinbeecostumes.com

It's a niche market.

5:15 pm

 
Anonymous paul said...

Mark, that's awesome

they really *do* look Hitler

So glad I don't own one, I think it would give me the willies. I'd come home from work and it would be sat on the carpet watching 'Downfall' on the television and miaowing plaintively and I would have to kill it with a spade

5:34 pm

 
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I wish you luck on the recordings w/ your mismatchy socks darlin!

jokes for you - these are my favorite ever: first is lengthy -

2 friends were in a bar after work, the first says to the second, 'Man, I made the biggest Freudian slip today.' 'So did I,' said the other, 'what did you do?' The first says, 'Well I went to pick up my plane tickets to Pittsburgh and there was this gorgeous blonde w/ these huge boobs at the counter. Instead of saying I was there to pick up my plane tickets to Pittsburgh, I said I'm here to pick up my plane tickets to Tittsburgh. Ugh, I was so embarrassed!' And then he asks his friend, 'So what did you do?' And the friend says, 'Well, I was sitting at the kitchen table across from my wife during breakfast this morning and instead of saying 'honey will you please pass the sugar?' I said, 'You fuckin bitch! You've ruined my life'..

ba dum bum.

The other is shorter:

What's worse than a hippie drum circle?

Nothing. :)

Have a good weekend sugar!

1:24 am

 
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

I am not very good at remembering jokes. I like this one though.

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods having a poo. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Hey Rabbit, does the poo stick to your fur?" "No" says the rabbit.So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

5:16 pm

 
Blogger Variant E said...

You can't make me funny, you can't make me funny, you can't make me funny.

Although once I was in a pancake restaurant talking with a friend during supper time, because why not, and this crazy fellow with a sling around his arm leans over and interupts our conversation. With shift eyes he peers all around him and then says to us: "I've this idea for a bumper sticker and I'll tell it to you but you've got to swear you won't use it". "The Road to Hell is lined with Bushes". Of course this being the US of A and George W. being in office, I guess even the crazies could see the truth...

2:27 am

 
Blogger Emma Kaufmann said...

Some people might call this bad taste, I call it funny:

When asked about his favourite childhood programmes,Steve Irwin replied, "Thunderbirds was best but
there'll always be a place in my heart for Stingray."

9:45 am

 
Blogger galatea said...

Shamelessly stolen joke:

Buddha goes into a pizza restaurant and says, "Make me one with everything."

Oh, and on the nose piercing, the answer you are looking for is saline soaks... get a shot glass, put a bit of rock salt in the bottom (just a bit), then fill with warm water. Slap that on your nose - undignified, but soothing.

The other thing is to change your stud if it's silver. Silver's not meant for body piercing - it reacts to the ph of skin. Try stainless steel instead. Or gold (but I hate gold jewellery and will mock you, be warned).

2:53 pm

 
Anonymous Mr Angry said...

Jesus and Moses walk into a bar. Upon entering they take a minute to look around at the regulars.

After a moment they look at each other and breathe a sigh of relief. Moses looks at Jesus and says, "Thank God that Mohammad isn’t here. This joke could have led to riots."

That's proper political and religious satire, right there...

3:39 pm

 

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