Misunderstanding, Didn't Understand.

I am so tired because:

I haven't slept enough ever, ever in my whole life.

My ideal day today would involve a large sofa, some cushions, tasty things to eat, various DVDs and some episodes of Charmed. I haven't watched an episode of Charmed for a long while, and I would like to very much as I feel my intellect has diminshed through lack of staring at Alyssa Milano's glorious rack.

I had a fantastic, if exhausting, weekend in Eastbourne. We recorded two songs, one of which we'd started before and the other I wrote on Saturday. I added some cellostration (not, I hasten to add, a real word) to one of them, and we made good headway into the second. Getting up super-early (for a weekend) and staying on a sofa under a sleeping bag is not conducive to the most relaxing couple of days in the world, but it is all worth it. We discussed the tour in the spring (thirty-two dates, in the UK, funded by the Arts Council) and showcases and all sorts of things, which are exciting and overwhelming and seem completely incongruous to my weekday life of hating the phone and watching the clock.

Last night Tom and I went to my parents' house with my elder sister and her boyfriend, and we had a lovely time. We listened extensively to my little sister's album and had discussions about the songs. We ate lovely food and drank some lovely wine, and then got up this morning far too early and fell asleep on the train.

I feel slightly hurt today. I have found myself in a situation where I feel a bit left out of something, to put it in an irritatingly non-specific way. I found out that something was going on that I haven't been invited to. Some girls are meeting up and they haven't invited me. I'm not hugely surprised, I'm very different from these people and I've never been particularly convinced that we get on very well, but still, I feel left out, which isn't the nicest way to feel. Friendships are so difficult to navigate, and I get the feeling with at least one of these people that, although they are perfectly nice to me to my face, they don't actually like me very much. The feeling of being subtly put-down and smiled at simultaneously is horrible, and add to that feeling left out and deliberately excluded.

Perhaps I'm just tired, perhaps just paranoid because I haven't slept very well in the last couple of weeks and am exhausted to the core. Or perhaps they don't really like me and I should cut my losses and think about all those people who really are my friends. The shame lies in the fact that I do actually like some of the people properly and they still leave me out of things, like maybe I haven't passed some test that one must take to be a proper girly girl and get pissed on Chardonnay. Maybe I am too serious, or too poor, or too arrogant.

Who knows. Blur's Song 2 is on the radio, it's nearly lunchtime, I get to go home in some hours. I have a black and white silk scarf around my neck and it's someone's birthday today so there'll be cake later. All I can do is be myself and be good to people, and if for some reason they don't like that there is nothing I can, or should, do to ingratiate myself. I just don't like it.

I am so misunderstood. Perhaps they're all jealous because I have a blog that is read by like, tens of people. Perhaps they envy my amazing capacity for complaining about being tired. Perhaps they covet my ability to feel paranoid and sensitive about things that are probably nothing. It could be any number of things, when I think about it.

I shall go and drink tea and mull it over.