It's like, i'm still me, but just, like, better...

NOW I can do it. NOW I am ready. In EXACTLY the right mood to be writing about the things I don't like.
Because I am CROSS. I can hardly type. (Okay, massive exaggeration there, I can type easily. But I am a bit nervous that I will vomit with frustration all over the keyboard.)

I'm just going to start. Don't argue. Seriously. You like your head? Wanna keep it? Yes? Well, don't argue.

Things I DO NOT LIKE.
1. Being patronised by WANKERS who think that because they're older than me and hold more important positions than me that they are cleverer than me. They are NOT cleverer than me. If they had half a FUCKING brain in their UGLY heads they would know how to be polite. Actually, not necessarily polite. But shouting, tutting, lack of 'please' and 'thank you' and barking orders at me like I'm some kind of very low ranking army officer/servant a la Baldrick from Blackadder? Not Clever.
I have an arts degree. I am not good at maths, granted. But I am NOT FUCKING STUPID please do not treat me like I am.
(Ten points to anyone who can guess what's pissed me off today)
2. Wasps. They are the evil warlords of the Insect Kingdom and I don't trust them.
3. People who state the obvious too much. Like, for example, people quite frequently tell me I am well-endowed. Breast wise. And I have friend who's very tall, and these people can't stop themselves pointing this out to her. "Oh!" they say, struggling a bit because clearly their brain has been having difficulty since the full frontal lobotomy, " Er.. you're very tall, aren't you?" at which point she steps on their head, or I batter them to death with my enormous jugs.
Where will this stop? Why? Why would you do this? I AM AWARE that I have fabulously full funbags (sorry). Please do not point this out to me. Otherwise, maybe I will retaliate. With a comment about that huge mole on your neck, maybe, or the massive penis growing out of your forehead.
4. Being tickled. I will cry.
5. Tom Cruise. He just REALLY annoys me. I think it's because he seems to exude arrogance from every smug little pore. Also I have a sneaking suspicion he is always thinking about how he might fry your retinas with the reflection from his teeth at any moment, then bite you on the knee.
6. Rude people. Hang on, think I might have mentioned that one.
7. Not being able to think of anything else that annoys me. I know there is more stuff. There has to be. I have been assured many times that I am not one of those incessantly sunny people who looks on the bright side all the time. I am bitter and cynical and mean. With nothing to be bitter and cynical and mean about! That is a tragedy, folks. Oh wait, no, I can think of one more thing.
8. When, on labels, signs and things, people use inappropriate apostrophes. It floods me with rage. I get all high and mighty and start orating about the decline of language and grammar and stuff. Then when I have noticed that all my friends have been quietly slinking away from me in embarrassment, I have to remind myself that I am not so smart, and don't even know how to use a semi-colon. But it still annoys me.

Enough. Enough. I am turning myself into a pessimistic twisted old lady just through this post and it's bad. Just one more actually..

9. The fact that the 'list of things that piss me off' is the most clichéd of blog posts. And yet it feels so natural. And then people comment and write what pisses them off and we all get angry and bitchy but it's ok because on the Internet we are FREE and can say what we like and love and hate at whim and nobody can get cross (except maybe the ex-boyfriends) and we can all live happily ever after and there will be world peace and bunnies and unlimited Hula Hoops for all, even Americans who aren't usually allowed them, and.. and.. (breathe) stuff.

Will we all just take a moment to notice the progression that has taken place here, in the space of this one post. At the beginning I was nasty (narrowing of eyes) mean (sharpening of claws) and hated the world (cracking of whip..[oooh]). Now I am Mary Poppins.

Witness the power of the blog. This is like Extreme Makeover: The Personality Episode.