Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I suspect I might be something of an Evil Genius

I have recently discovered, courtesy of this excelllently funny website, that Paris Hilton REALLY REALLY wants to get married in St. Paul's Cathedral, London. But they won't let her, because she's way too fat and doesn't wear enough tiaras. Or something.

I, however, AM allowed to get married in St. Paul's, because my Dad is a Commander of the British Empire as of about a month ago. Yes, it is true, I am The Commander's Daughter.

So. I've got a really good Plan, right? I will be needing your help on this so listen carefully. Alright, READ carefully, then, you pedant. Just pay attention, ok? (shakes head wearily) God.

What we're going to do is spread a Rumour. It may not sound like a massively powerful Plan at first, but I have Faith. I am also quite hungry, but we'll bypass that for now.
The Rumour will go something like this.

Tell Paris Hilton that I want to marry her, and I am willing to do so in St Paul's.

I KNOW! It's genius isn't it? And easy, too, because I know some people who live in America, and it's quite a small country so I'm sure they'll be able to pass on The Rumour (except they would call it a Rumor, right? They don't like the letter U over there. Except in USA. Hmm... note to self: work on the 'Americans don't like the letter U' theory) without too much difficulty. A suggestion would be to make a big sign and stick it over that Hollywood one, or write it underneath the McDonald's employees' names on the badges (above the stars), so everyone in the country will see it.

Paris will approach me. I give it one, maybe two weeks at a push to get to this stage.

She will want to marry me, believing (because of the Rumour, of course, KEEP UP WILL YOU?) that I am happy to marry her because I love her and am willing to do anything to win access to her sparkly hair accessories and vats of fake tan.


(This is where the plan gets a bit on the clever side)

For a million squillion dollars.


(I'm so clever)

She will reluctantly but resignedly hand over the cash (I will insist on cash, of course). At which point I will run really REALLY fast to the getaway helicopter and escape to Mexico.

Which is where you come in again.

If you have a helicopter, you are going to be ESSENTIAL for this heist, so please contact me urgently in the comments section of this blog. I promise I will give you some of the profits, or at least buy you some fuel and a little flag to put on the front of your helicopter.

If you do not have a helicopter I'm afraid you are of absolutely no use to me whatsoever, but you are welcome to come and visit me in Mexico where I will be happy to buy you a small burrito and a shot of tequila.

You see? Genius.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, my name is Alvin D'Lottery. I have a cunning plan. "As the leader of all illegal activities in Casablanca, I am an influential and respected man." As such I have a helicopter on standby at all times. (like all good craft its named after a girl - 'Annie Rection' )

If you agree to pay me half of your squillion I will happily fly you (and a passenger at a discounted rate) to the small mexican town of Belle Jinwaffles, where we can drink the night away and think up amusing names.

4:54 pm

Blogger Doug said...

With all the squillion dollars, you could just buy Mexica and rename it Leonie or somthing. Then, those of us who helped with the charade, will be able to vacation at your presidential villa overlooking the ocean and sip funny drinks with umbrellas in them.

5:25 pm

Blogger Benoit Lapierre said...

hi from canada,
your blog is very interesting!

5:50 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, I'm from America, and I'm baffled by your genius plans AND your use of the letter U. It's amazing. My neighbors have a helicopter, but I'm not sure if they'll let you use it unless you drop some of these excess U's. As a side note, do your accomplices get free tiaras? Because really, I could use one.. up to this point I've been going to the grocery store and running errands with nothing more than a measly hairclip. Which certainly explains why I'm not yet famous.

9:13 pm

Anonymous Euan said...

I have a helicopter. It's yellow. However I will not be lending it to you because quite frankly I'd much rather have the burrito (small).

Perhaps I might be persuaded if you were to offer a second burrito (large)...

11:17 pm

Anonymous Euan said...

You might like website too:

3:12 pm

Anonymous Gems xxx said...

I have a toy helicopter, its slightly chewed by one of the kids in my class but I'm sure if we use a size shifting machine it'll be fine when enlarged. I think the letter U is eery, i dont like the way it dips in the middle, theres something of the mentally ill about it. Hmmm.

3:31 pm

Blogger Doug said...

FINALLY!!! A use for my enlarging machine. Thanks Gems XXX.

4:15 pm

Anonymous number1hypocrite said...

Don't sell yourself short, my dear Leonie.

You are way too hotttttt for Paris Hilton.

3:09 am

Blogger A Career Woman and A Housewife said...

Can I be a bridesmaid?

1:02 pm

Blogger A Career Woman and A Housewife said...

OH MY GOD! LEONIE!!!!!! Please tell us your ok!!!! I just heard of the subway attacks! Your the only real person I know in London. So this makes me all concerned and hoping your alright!!!!!

1:08 pm

Blogger Léonie said...

I'm fine thank you!!! It's so strange here. The nearest attack was about 500m from my office... As far as I know all my family and friends are fine. Thank you so much for asking xxxx

1:10 pm

Blogger monkey typist said...

everyone alright london girl?

2:07 pm

Blogger monkey typist said...

oh ok, just read the comment above this

2:09 pm

Blogger Doug said...

Thank goodness, you're OK. I hardly listen to the news or watch TV in the morning. This blog is the first I read about the attacks so I went and checked out CNN.com.

2:17 pm

Blogger peashelle said...

I'm so glad you are safe!

3:09 pm


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