File under: Things that have been said many, many times before and far more elegantly.

There are a few things I would just like to have a quick word about.

I really hope at this point that my parents don't read this - I suspect they do. If you're reading, either of you two, please do me a favour and stop now. You don't have to, of course. This is in the public domain so you, like everyone else, are free to read. I would, however, appreciate it if you didn't.

Go on, bugger off.

Right.

I want to talk about men, relationships and things like that. Confusing things. Things that I cannot work out and suspect I won't be able to until I am all old and grey and I suddenly understand it all with dazzling clarity one morning at about 11.15 during This Morning, but won't be able to find a pen and will get distracted by a nice cup of tea and a Hobnob and promptly forget what it was. Or something.

I don't understand people's reactions to me and I CERTAINLY don't understand my own reactions to other people. I don't understand men. At this juncture I would like to say that I am not talking about anyone specifically, there is nobody to whom I am covertly referring. Seriously.
It's just that sometimes I feel connections with people, with men, and I can't tell whether they feel it. Sometimes people feel a connection with me that I cannot feel at ALL. Last week, at this gig I did, there was this guy. He was a singer too and he had an incredible voice. We sang 'Ain't No Sunshine' together, and then talked for a while, then I went back to stay at my friend's house. By the time we got back to her house I was shattered, and I had actually spent the last half hour, whilst talking to this guy, trying to stop yawning and resist the urge to plump up the luxurious velvet cushions and fall face first into them and sleep like the Sleeping Champion 2005 on sedatives. But this guy, call him M, sent me a text (I don't remember giving my number) (I'd had ONE glass of wine so it wasn't drunken amnesia) saying how much he felt a connection, how special he thought our connection was, and things like that. Lovely things, but a touch confusing, because I think all I was doing was nodding and agreeing with him, whilst making 'let's get out of here please because I think my consiousness needs to pop out for a while' motions at my friend.
So, yeah confusing. And THEN I got a series of texts from him, the last one being bordering on the angry, about my refusal to see a potential relationship and how that made me a horrible person. Or something. To which my reaction was something along the lines of "er... wha..?".

I am fed up of all of this bollocks. Of being hurt and of hurting people. I have hurt people on the past and I HATE it. I am truly sorry for it. People have hurt me and I am not a massive fan of that either, to be honest. I have an inkling that I'm not the first one to say this, right, but why does it have to be so fucking complicated? It doesn't seem very fair, really. And it's nice to be fair about things.

You know?

(Also, FYI, my foot is now swollen and very painful but I am scared of doctors so I'm still trying to walk it off because, it turns out, I am a complete idiot.)