Monday, November 28, 2005

Prescription: Chocolate Buttons with a light dusting of Prozac.

It's a cyclical thing, I think. Me getting all depressed, I mean. I feel all hopeless again. I don't know whether maybe it's made worse by the fact that I can have weeks of being fine, of being better than fine. For me, better than fine is such an empowering thing. I go through periods of feeling so powerful. Like I am untouchable. I look around me and see all my friends and my family, I am happy. I don't hate my reflection, I don't blame myself for every tiny thing that goes wrong in the world. I see success for myself, see happiness and light in my future. For weeks on end. It feels amazing.

Sometimes I wake up and this positive, powerful feeling has simply evaporated. Like it has stolen away like a thief in the night, in its wake there is a void that I am shocked and overwhelmed by.
Sometimes it happens more slowly. Last Christmas I was on a high, and then over a period of two months I went so far downhill that I couldn't remember what it felt like to get up in the morning without feeling an instant craving for oblivion.

It got to the stage of the panic attacks and the insomnia, of the cutting myself off from my friends, the self-blame and paranoia. The whole period ended in a way that was totally out of my control and strange. Things changed without seeming like they had changed at all. I was still in the same job, I still had the same goals and ambitions, I had the same clothes. I chatted to people at work about the same things, got on the same trains and saw the same faces in the same sandwich shops. Somehow things began to look up. I stopped having panic attacks.

Then something else happened and I plummeted again, then something else and I plummeted again. Then things looked up and then nothing happened and I plummeted again, and it was horrible because this time there was no reason.

And now I have woken up this morning, after weeks of positivity, feeling that void again. It's not as bad as last time. I have had sleep and I think that's why it's not worse. It's more wanting to run away and hide- bad than slash my arms to bits- bad.

Why? Perhaps two crime episodes in the last week haven't helped. Also some encounters with someone from my past have shaken things up a bit. Also I'm moving into a flat in Oval (zone two, south, on the Northern Line) in the next few weeks and I'm worried about money and the fact that committing to it means that I have to stay at my job, even though I'm now working with a producer on a project that looks like it has good potential for actually going somewhere. I am worried that I won't have enough money to buy Christmas presents. I am worried that all my friends hate me and that I have no talent and that I'm fat and ugly and I have some horrible secret that even I don't know about and that it makes me a really horrible person.

Hello. I am insane. Do not invite me into your home.

Does knowing you're insane make you any less insane? Interesting.


Anonymous Adrian said...

Insane people never think that they are insane. It's only sane people who think they might be nuts.

I know the feeling you are talking about. About 2.5 years a go or so, for about 3 months I was deliriously happy. For no reason. And it really worried me. Because if I didn't know why I was so happy, I could lose the happiness. Which eventually I did, also for no reason. And it really threw me, as I just couldn't understand the 'why'. I still don't.

Although I'm not sure it's any better to be unhappy for a reason, if you can't change the reason. I think the same applies, that the unhappiness is made worse because you are not sure what to do to change it, or if their is anything to do change it. And that causes upsetness and frustration. At least it does for me.

Other than that I can say that the Oval is quite a nice area. I used to live near there and have been out there and South London is where all the cool kids are. You're not fat and you're not ugly (unless those are other pictures you have posted online). You obviously have oodles of talent otherwise you wouldn't get all these people at your gigs. And I'm sure your friends wont hate you if you give them small but thoughtful presents. No decent friends would. You may have a secret you don't know about, but then don't we all.

On a separate note, you weren't on a South West train to Waterloo last Friday at about 4:30 ish, were you? There was someone sitting near me talking on her phone who wasn't dissimilar looking to the pictures of you you have posted. Although I have never met you in person, so it's very hard to tell. I wondered but wasn't sure enough to ask.

1:36 pm

Anonymous Paul said...

Léonie -

All your friends love you, you're one of the most talented people I have ever met, and you are worlds away from being either fat or ugly.

I'll try to call you tonight. I know how you feel - I hope you're okay.

1:39 pm

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling all void-y and sad. There is not a lot that I can do for you except say that I understand how you feel and completely sympathise. That no matter what you think people would rather see you than a shining present at Christmas. That I know that you are talented because I listened to you online and I was amazed. That you have such a pretty voice. That you can't be a horrible person I am sure of it. That your friends don't hate you. That you are not fat and ugly at all and I know because I saw a picture.

I am not just saying all this because it is an easy way to make you feel better I am saying it because it's true.

I am insane, do you want to go and chase pigeons together?

3:39 pm

Blogger mac said...

well Leonie, you have made my monday! i came into work with a real wanky hangover after coaxing a crap car round the icy, snow blasted streets of the grim industrial north, did a bit of work on my blog fixing image posts and the like and then just clicked "next blog" and up yours came. I've just read it in one piece and i almost feel like i know you ( in an appreciative of your art, non-stalky type way i mean) chock full of laughs, heart rending episodes and good boots. You made a crappy grey day into an adventure and I wish you all the very best, Lay-Un-ie Higgins, i really do.......mac the north

4:24 pm

Blogger e$ said...

i know how you feel TOTALLY. i've always been "up and down", if you will, but like adrian I also had a ridiculous few months of total bliss. Every morning I would wake up terrified that the bliss would be gone, that I'd be back to my old self again. I don't know, that was about 4 years ago and the bliss hasn't really come back like that... but as I get older I've noticed that the depression has lessened as well. (I'm 26) so I don't think there's anything I can say to make you feel better, but at least you're not alone in your feelings. :)

9:00 pm

Blogger Bug said...

Maybe it's not as bad this down period as it was the last times because now you've got a bitching board, where you can vent all your anger and depression and self-loathing and general blah-ness to a disconnected-from-your-actual-life group who wouldn't even be reading it if they didn't think you were a pretty cool chick

We all think you're pretty groovy, hon, so have some wine, way too much chocolate and chuck on a crappy movie and relax


2:39 am

Blogger Jo said...

Dang, all of you sound like you're describing Bipolar II disorder to me. Y'all might wanna check with a doctor on that. OR move to a place where there's actual sun every now and again. I spent 10 months in Ireland and I swear to God the sunlessness nearly did me in.

10:13 am

Blogger Léonie said...

Adrian - I must be very, very sane then! Thank you for knowing what I mean, you have one up on me. I mainly have no idea what I'm talking about.
And, um, no I don't think I was on a train then. I was at work. Blogging, I imagine. Who was this girl? I mean.. um... I assume it was a girl...?

Mac - Thank you! I'm glad I had that effect!

Everyone else - thank you. xx

3:54 pm

Anonymous Euan said...

My best friends are insane. If you're not insane, you're boring, quite frankly. Embrace the insanity.

P.S. You're not really that insane. I think your head is moderately screwed on, actually, so try not to worry too much :)

11:55 pm

Blogger lady miss marquise said...

Leonie, I can relate to how you're feeling, I have these blips as well and they make no sense.

And the fact you are able to recognise them means you are definitely not insane ;o)

Slightly mad, maybe a bit barking perhaps but funny, witty, and lovely as well... shouldn't we all celebrate that in ourselves?

11:56 am

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Aww.. hang in there girl.. I hope it gets better for you.

And this is something I do w/ my friends when I'm short on cash for Christmas - they love you and they understand - so I throw an after holiday party w/ some goofy name at my house in Jan.. like mid-point to give everyone time to recoop. Make it a potluck-y sort of thing w/ wine and tell everyone to bring a gift of like $15 or less that's gender-less - quirky, fun, but not junk.. and then we do the white elephant thing. Draw numbers for everyone who brought a gift and do it that way - if you want me to explain it further I will.. there are rules and it's really fun. My friends know to consider that my present, everyone leaves w/ a little something in their hands and their stomachs.. it's a nice change after the holiday rush for the friends I consider my chosen family.

2:01 am


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