Not so much with the funny, today.

It's a beautiful day today in London. The sky is icy blue and the sun is shining.

I have hit a low, I think.

I have no idea why. I feel suddenly unhappy and vulnerable. I am paranoid and over-sensitive. It's a circle of paranoia: that my friends don't like me, that my colleagues think I'm shit, that the guy I've been on three dates with doesn't actually like me that much.

It's largely the last one that is feeling the brunt of my self-critical depressive mood.

I know, very recently things ended with another guy I'd been seeing. I am fickle. Except I'm not, I promise. Please don't call me fickle, please. I am too fragile today.

There is no reason to feel worried about this guy. That he doesn't like me, I mean. For the following reasons:

- I have been out with him only thrice. This is not long enough, surely, to be something that can really hurt me. I have not invested enough. Except maybe I have.
- He has asked me to go out with him on Valentine's Day. Which is nice. Well, I think he asked me out. He sent me an email asking me if I had any plans for Valentine's Day. I replied no, and then he hasn't responded. Since yesterday at about six.

It isn't enough to silence the demons circling in my brain. What if I set a precedent that I cannot live up to? What if I made myself out to be funny and cool, when actually I am a depressive lunatic who is self-obsessed enough to need answers and turn to the Internet? What if I'm boring? What if he has seen that and is removing himself?

I cannot cope with investing in relationships, I just can't. I have felt how much it hurts and it is too much for me to bear. I can't text or email this guy, let alone call him, because the fear of immediate or eventual rejection is just way, way too strong. It makes me feel sick even just to think about it. I feel like he (and when I say 'he' I mean 'anyone') will suddenly do a double take and go "oh, hang on! you're not who I thought you were! I expected funny, upbeat, happy! Who is this over-thinking, sometimes-depressive, sometimes paranoid and insecure, over-analytical creature? I don't want her! Be happy! You're better that way.'

Unhappy is boring.

This is one of my main worries about myself. What if, underneath the outgoingness and the sociability, I am boring?

It isn't really about this guy, the way I'm feeling. I am concentrating these feelings on him because I like him and I am pretty sure I always fuck everything up. The rational part of my brain insists that I don't, and it is this part that allows me to go about organising my life: gigs, recordings, nights out, getting to work on time(ish) etc.

It is the familiar feeling of a blanket of, well, something like heartbreak, shrouding everything that is making me paranoid and insecure and lost. I should be used to it by now, I know the signs: the way it takes me those three seconds longer to get up out of my chair, the time spent staring into the distance without coherent thoughts, the sadness of looking out of the window and seeing clear blue skies.

When I talk about the 'circle of paranoia', I mean that it starts with paranoia and slips into me despising myself for over-thinking, for being unhappy. Which leads to more paranoia that I am a horrible, self-obsessive person. I hate being so self-obsessed. Self-involved. I think it's truly disgusting.

I don't know what will make it better. I wish so much that I did.

I don't know how to make it better on my own, basically.