Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Not so much with the funny, today.

It's a beautiful day today in London. The sky is icy blue and the sun is shining.

I have hit a low, I think.

I have no idea why. I feel suddenly unhappy and vulnerable. I am paranoid and over-sensitive. It's a circle of paranoia: that my friends don't like me, that my colleagues think I'm shit, that the guy I've been on three dates with doesn't actually like me that much.

It's largely the last one that is feeling the brunt of my self-critical depressive mood.

I know, very recently things ended with another guy I'd been seeing. I am fickle. Except I'm not, I promise. Please don't call me fickle, please. I am too fragile today.

There is no reason to feel worried about this guy. That he doesn't like me, I mean. For the following reasons:

- I have been out with him only thrice. This is not long enough, surely, to be something that can really hurt me. I have not invested enough. Except maybe I have.
- He has asked me to go out with him on Valentine's Day. Which is nice. Well, I think he asked me out. He sent me an email asking me if I had any plans for Valentine's Day. I replied no, and then he hasn't responded. Since yesterday at about six.

It isn't enough to silence the demons circling in my brain. What if I set a precedent that I cannot live up to? What if I made myself out to be funny and cool, when actually I am a depressive lunatic who is self-obsessed enough to need answers and turn to the Internet? What if I'm boring? What if he has seen that and is removing himself?

I cannot cope with investing in relationships, I just can't. I have felt how much it hurts and it is too much for me to bear. I can't text or email this guy, let alone call him, because the fear of immediate or eventual rejection is just way, way too strong. It makes me feel sick even just to think about it. I feel like he (and when I say 'he' I mean 'anyone') will suddenly do a double take and go "oh, hang on! you're not who I thought you were! I expected funny, upbeat, happy! Who is this over-thinking, sometimes-depressive, sometimes paranoid and insecure, over-analytical creature? I don't want her! Be happy! You're better that way.'

Unhappy is boring.

This is one of my main worries about myself. What if, underneath the outgoingness and the sociability, I am boring?

It isn't really about this guy, the way I'm feeling. I am concentrating these feelings on him because I like him and I am pretty sure I always fuck everything up. The rational part of my brain insists that I don't, and it is this part that allows me to go about organising my life: gigs, recordings, nights out, getting to work on time(ish) etc.

It is the familiar feeling of a blanket of, well, something like heartbreak, shrouding everything that is making me paranoid and insecure and lost. I should be used to it by now, I know the signs: the way it takes me those three seconds longer to get up out of my chair, the time spent staring into the distance without coherent thoughts, the sadness of looking out of the window and seeing clear blue skies.

When I talk about the 'circle of paranoia', I mean that it starts with paranoia and slips into me despising myself for over-thinking, for being unhappy. Which leads to more paranoia that I am a horrible, self-obsessive person. I hate being so self-obsessed. Self-involved. I think it's truly disgusting.

I don't know what will make it better. I wish so much that I did.

I don't know how to make it better on my own, basically.


Blogger Ant said...

Comes from the inside - you probably won't be ever properly happy if you look for validation from friends, colleagues or dates. Gotta believe it yourself...

But I know that's easy to say, and a lot harder to put into practice...

If it's any consolation, you're very eloquent when you're in this kind of mood...

3:22 pm

Anonymous Paul said...

You are not boring, in any way shape or form, and as I've said before, anyone who is shallow enough to only want 'happy Léonie' is a twat who doesn't deserve your interest.

Please call if you need to vent.

4:18 pm

Anonymous number1hypocrite said...

Never doubt yourself or your feelings. You feel that way for a reason, even if you don't understand them right now. Two weeks from now you'll look back with perfect understanding, maybe not of everything, but a part of it. You can't hope to explain everything all at once. One step at a time, one thing at a time.

Everyone gets into these moods every now and then. But something I find helps me is this: I listen to "Stairway To Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. It draws you in without realizing it, it puts a different spin on things. After the song is over, I feel like I have a choice on how to be afterwards.

I don't mean to solict. Like others, I'm here for you if you need to talk.


5:03 pm

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

I wrote a big long comment but it was too long for a comment so I'm going to email you instead. Hope you don't mind!

5:05 pm

Blogger Lucky said...

Actually, I think your beautiful. not boring.

We may enjoy someone who makes us laugh, and you do that well too, but we fall in love with people who are willing to show us their vulnerability....

We love people who teach us to be bold enough live and feel. And there is an awsome beauty even in the cruelty of life, and if you are unwilling to cry with someone then you can't truly laugh with them either.

Please tell me you read Kurt Vonnegut (and slaughter house 5 doesn't count.) He makes us laugh the most and feel the greatest joy when he's making us weep most deeply.

Its true that most of us learn to cocoon ourselves in, because being human feels so raw, so vivid, but is that the kind of person you want? "Do you want the mask or the man?"

I'm not interested in someone who is unwilling to get into the muck of life with me from the first moments-- that sort of falsity bores me. And funny is nice at breakfast, but I want to take Vulnerable to bed with me....

Sorry that was sooo cheesy, but your post was so beautiful I thought you deserved poetry, even if I delivered it so feebly.

5:18 pm

Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Three dates, then Val.'s Day is kind of a lot of pressure on him.

I would e-mail him back with something that takes the pressure off, e.g.,

"You know, I'm not in to the whole Valentines Day thing. Do you want to just go to McFriendly's Cheapo Pub, or something??

(Whatever they have in London that is cheap and casual, I don't know that much about it--in America, the equivalent would be a pizza place with a liquor license.)"

6:45 pm

Anonymous Euan said...

Léonie, deep down you must know that you are funny and pretty and talented and a fun person to be with. So please don't dwell on stuff that simply isn't true.

The end.

7:32 pm

Blogger Spinsterella said...

"He hasn't called since 6 pm yesterday"

Plenty of men genuinely think nothing of going AWOL for up to a week in the early days. (Or 2 months if you happen to be me.) Don't panic.

And don't worry either about feeling paranoid/miserable/vulnerable. Everybody acts cool on the surface whilst feeling very un-confident underneath. (Even loudmouth gobshite me - shhh, don't tell anyone, OK?)

And if this bloke really has gone off you, well fuck 'im, it's his loss.

9:29 pm

Blogger Sadia said...

Aww. Leonie....felt compelled to reach out and give you a reassuring virtual "there, there..." pat on the arm.

The thing is, there isn't a single human being alive that doesn't feel like that, and you know it or else you wouln't blog about it. You sense that it will resonate with people. And it does.

I feel like that more than I care to admit. Confidence isn't an absolute though; like the moon it waxes and wanes, but, just because it is out of sight for a while, doesn't mean it isn't there ready to show itself again. :) Moods are cyclical - so the trick is to not fight it too much when you feel down.

Regarding your current guy, ask yourself if you would really want someone who expects you to be something other than yourself (low moods and all). Actually, the ability to take me as I am is my #1 boyfriend criteria these days. I give them them "the test" - I show them the "ugly" me - if they bolt I say good riddance*.

* I confess that if he is great in bed this is easier said than done.

2:35 pm

Blogger Me Over Here said...

L, I'm in a realtionship and I can honestly say I feel something similar from time to time. I think "What if this amazing guy suddenly realizes I'm not good enough for him? I'm not smart enough, cultured enough, pretty enough, funny enough, etc.". But then you know why the boyfriend said when I finally revealed this to him? "I was worried you were going to find out that *I* wasn't good enough for *you* sometime soon."

We all have those thoughts from time to time that make us feel depressed just to be who we are. If we were in a constant state of happiness, well, we wouldn't get to experience when we were ECSTATICALLY happy, and I, for one, live for those moments. So, just accept this "mood" or "funk" as something that just happens, then look forward to the times you can be happy with whatever's going on.

And as for this guy...well, it's always hard to say, but I hope things work out in whatever way is best for you, even if it means being hurt for a little while. That, sometimes, is how you get to the good stuff.

(I was going to email you this as well b/c it's so damn long, but I didn't see your email there ya go.)

6:29 pm

Blogger lady miss marquise said...

I'd like to say that as you get older and wiser and more secure and more aware of who you are and what your boundaries are that it gets easier, but it doesn't.

I still feel sick when I do something that I really care about, and that the outcome may not turn out all rosy - it's a natural defence mechanisim and you shouldn't feel ashamed.

You are (I am sure) an amazingly wonderfully, charming and charasmatic person to be around -we all see ourselves worse than others see us - and he probably sees that amazingly, wonderfully, charming and charasmatic lady in you. And if he doesn't, the boy is blind and it leaves you open to a greater bigger better love.
I'm forever being told to take the chance and take the risk and a friend sent this the other day...

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.

Sorry for the cheese ;o)

And hope you feel better and stronger and happier soon x

2:54 pm


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