When I started this post I thought I was back to normal, but as it went on I began to reconsider....

Oh, thank you for the comments and emails. It genuinely helped.

On one level it made me feel less alone. On another level it made me think, oh, this is too much, I don't deserve this much sympathy. As a result I sort of, felt a lot better.

I went home last night and was silent for about an hour, much to the bemusement of my flatmates. They tentatively offered me tea and asked me if I was alright, while I did washing up and told them that no, really, I was fine and then I cooked myself dinner and tried to chill out.

I chilled out to an extent, helped by a few phonecalls, one from Dan and one from, well, one that laughed shrilly in the face of my ridiculous paranoia. Basically I am a knob, and yesterday I was just having an attack of the crazies.

Not that I wish to diminish the shittiness of it, because it was nasty. When you spend ages explaining your mental state to a friend, not mentioning any names (DAN DAN DAN) and, after the conversation has veered around to normal things again (perhaps...alcohol) and then begins to come to a close and before he hangs up he sings down the phone "BYEEE! CRAZY LADY!", you know things have gotten a touch out of hand.

It's alright though, because I know and am comfortable with the fact that Dan considers me to be a little crazy. I consider him to be irritatingly normal and/or cheerful, only redeemed by the fact that he often laughs wildly at my jokes.*

Um... anyway. I am feeling a million miles better today. I think it was perhaps hormones, and as it is not by ANY MEANS OH NO the first time I have had days like that I know I can get through them.

I was touched, so touched by the comments and the emails. It sounds faintly absurd but it was lovely. Thank you.

Oh, and Mark, yeah cool, I'll come to Edinburgh. (Note to self: Iron kilt.)

Right, I'm going to shut up with the gushiness (gushiness is a disgusting word, if it is even a real word) and tell you the following:

I set up sitemeter yesterday! From the bottom of my Pit Of Doom and/or Gloom! I love looking at the map of the world and seeing where people are reading from. Hello Sophie in France, Ile-de-Paris! Hello person in Canada! Hello people in London! And Birmingham! And other places!

My eyes have gone funny from all the exclamation marks in that last paragraph.

I wanted to say that I don't think my strange day was related to paranoia about the guy. I am going to dust off my best pseudo-psychobabble and say that I think it was me projecting my demons onto the nearest object, and that happened to manifest itself in totally irrational concerns about something and someone I had no cause to doubt.

Yesterday's post represented my mood, in terms of style and tone. This one does the same. I feel slightly surreal, and my thoughts aren't really linking together properly. As a result this post is very sporadic and jumpy. I am feeling worlds better, but still not quite right. Which is why I have no way to end this post.



*Dan is wonderful, really, I don't mean to imply that he is insensitive. He isn't. He's wonderful.