Saturday, February 17, 2007

Saturday

Too many days I feel like I wake at the bottom of the ocean and have to start swimming at once, because I can't breathe and everything is dark. I swim because I have to, because mostly I don't want to drown. I worry that soon I will wake up and decide not to swim.

I go out too much. I spend time with people I don't know because I can lose myself that way. Conversations that swing from the emphatic to the hilarious, but that edge nervously away from meaningful. I drink too much. I cannot resist the lure of parties, of high energy fun, because I need people to take my mind away from the dark places.

In secret I am terrifed of things I cannot articulate and do not understand. I do not want to understand them because understanding might conjure them out of my mind and make them real.

I am weighed down by unknown demons. I worry that the demons will drive people away from me. I worry that people will assume I want them to save me, although I do not. I am no different to how I have always been.

I want to run away. To go to sleep. To forget these demons that trail behind me and shine glaring lights on my failures so that everyone can see. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want people to feel they must check up on me. I don't want pity or support. I don't want anyone to call me. I don't want anyone.

I want to be alone. I go to parties and late night bars and talk and flirt. People give me telephone numbers even though I know I will never call them. People talk to me because they think I am something, but in fact I am not anything that they would want. I am not what I seem. The way I look means I can pretend to be something I am not. In secret I am desperate for something I cannot identify. I annoy and exasperate my friends because I cannot tell them what I want from myself. I am sorry for constantly disappointing everyone around me.

I don't want people to want to help me. I don't want people to think I want something from them. I am not your responsibility. Do not worry that you should help me, or that I expect anything from you. You do not have to catch me just because I have chosen to fall.

I cannot run even though I want to leave. I wish I had a button to press to open the trapdoor beneath me, so I could fall away and all my demons would die. I wish I was better. I am sorry for not being better. I am sorry for my stupid, self-pitying, embarrassing idiocy. I am sorry for calling, for needing anything, for not being normal, like you. I am sorry for my introspection, for not just growing up like I should. I am sorry for being sorry. I am sorry for making you uncomfortable, for making you feel you must respond. I am sorry for making you think I am asking you for something. I am not, I promise. I will not.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Equine Pimp said...

The only time you should be sorry is if you have hurt someone that didn't deserve it.

Normal? The world consists of people like parents destroying their 3 year old child, 4 women encouraging two toddlers to fight and others who think that blowing things up is a representation of peace and truth.

You have drunk with Angry and that makes you sort of normal. Looking on the bright side, I am fairly sure you didn't have to play darts with him as well.

Not trying to save you, not trying to help you, after all, I don't even know you.

10:42 pm

 
Blogger Clarissa said...

I imagine that those moments when you don't even have your funny are very desperate indeed.

Hoping the dumps go away soon.

xx, c

2:58 pm

 
Blogger Curly said...

Don't apologise.

That came out as an order, I don't mean it as one. I've got to stop doing that.

11:03 am

 
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

You have such an eloquent way of writing. Follow your heart sweetie x

9:08 pm

 
Blogger boy-man said...

I read this post last night and wrote a comment but just as i posted it, my web connection got cut.

Life is crap like that.

All the words you have written, i have heard from other people i have met in my short existence. Some of them from myself.

The people you think are normal probably have their own demons that they are struggling with.
I have mine. The bastards dont seem to be going anywhere either.

Your posts cover a lot of the emotional spectrum. Happiness, sadness etc.

Do not wish to be normal for no one really knows what normal really is. Normal is subjective.

Be you. Wholly. The happy you, the sad you, the depressed you, the joyous you.

Just be you. Completely and honestly. It may not drive the demons away but it will make you that little bit happier as a person.

12:11 am

 

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