Friday, December 09, 2005

At least I can sit in chairs with arms, I suppose.

Tomorrow! Saturday! Moving day!

The flat is beautiful. New EVERYTHING. Kitchen fittings, bathroom fittings = all new and shiny with exciting things like floor to ceiling heated towel rail. You can't buy that sort of luxury. Well, you CAN buy that sort of luxury, really, but nevertheless it is luxury that laughs in the face of the Student Houses I lived in, where it was not uncommon to find yourself standing in a freezing cold kitchen, shivering in just a towel, watching with growing perplexity as your feet turned blue as you waited for the kettle to boil for the tenth time so you could have a bath with more than two inches of tepid water in it. This flat? Is worlds away from that. Oh yes. It is the flat of Young Professionals.

So you'd think I'd be excited, right? The exclamation marks at the beginning of this post imply that not only am I moving tomorrow but that I am excited? Right?

(I am so bored of having to talk about potential good things and then follow them with a couple of lines space and then the word 'but' in doom-ridden, capital letters.) (However.)

BUT.

It fell through. Oh, not, not literally. And I know it wouldn't suprise you to hear that it was nicked off me by a youth with a hoody with ASBO-LUTELY emblazoned across the front from a pub just off the Old Kent Road, but no, that is not the case.
The landlord owns quite a few three bed flats in the building that our (pretty, pretty) flat lives in, and one of the other ones had a problem with the boiler, or there was a gas leak, or something, and so he decided to move the tennants of that flat into our (pretty, pretty) flat and so we cannot also be there, I assume because we would never be able to decide who would be in charge of the remote.

The estate agents have 'done everything they can' and are trying to sort us out. They have offered us places in Battersea, which is nice, but so much trickier to get to than Oval. They also mentioned that we MIGHT be able to move into the (pretty, pretty) flat in January, once the problems with the other flat have been sorted out, so I am going to phone them today and see what the real chances of that are. I really hope that we can, I don't mind waiting.

It's strange, I haven't been too upset about this. Before I knew about the possibility of moving in January I was upset because HELLO? HEATED TOWEL RAIL! but now it's still within reach I am just clinging to this hope. I am worried about Bec and David (my flatmates) because they're living in a flat at the moment that makes them both so miserable, and the prospect of staying there longer than Saturday is almost too much to bear. They had booked a van, packed boxes, really organised stuff. Whereas I? Was just going to pack some stuff on Saturday morning and get The Commander (my Dad) to give me a lift down there. I don't mind staying with my parents for another month, they have Sky Plus, but it's horrible for the other two chaps.
I would be upset if we couldn't get this flat at all, ever. I think perhaps I'm not that upset because I was so expecting something to go wrong, that I now feel like, well, no, nothing goes right, but that's the way it is. At least I was prepared.

Oh! Such cynicism in one so young.

In other news, I am going tonight to see my big sister in a play at the Actors Centre in central London somewhere, and then then I'm going for dinner with a man. Who I think I like but about whom I have the same attitude as I did towards the flat, so I don't really want to talk about it.

Also something strange has happened here in BlogLand. I wasn't sure how to talk about this or whether to talk about it even at all. I feel like this part of my life, the blogging part, which has become increasingly important to me, has been altered somewhat by the arrival on the 'scene' of someone I know. Someone who, for reasons that are to do with illness, made my life hell for a while some years ago. I have tried to think of him as a different person now to the person who emotionally tortured me when I was younger, but I can't. I can't see him without being reminded of things that happened years ago and I am disconcerted by his arrival. He has linked to people I am linked to, or who are linked to me, and he says it's coincidence. Perhaps it is, but I don't mind admitting that it bothers me. He will never understand what he put me through and what effect it had on me. I know he was ill, but it doesn't change anything from my perspective. I want so much to be able to detach the person who did all that to me from the person who wants to be friends now, who has a blog and who purports to be a 'different person now'. If he's reading this I am sure I will get a response via email. I am not saying the way I feel is the best way to feel, but it remains true nevertheless.

So if my posts are less frequent now, it is because I feel like my treasured world of internet honestly and open-ness has somehow been tainted. I am sorry. I don't care that it might be a coincidence, or that it's just a 'small world' thing. It IS like last time, when he stayed with my family, palled up with my best friends, claimed to know more about my life than I did, and then used it all to make me doubt everything I took to be safe. I can't tell you how much I wish it didn't feel that way, because it probably isn't about that. But I can't help that history has taught me not to believe a word, because someone is always, ALWAYS just about to screw you the fuck over.

I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense. DT, I'm sorry to upset you, or to make you feel guilty. I am going to be resolutely honest about this, though. All those years ago I was too scared and ashamed to tell anyone what was going on, to admit that I made mistakes that might have contributed to the situation, and by the end I was so unsure of myself that I couldn't even trust myself when I was talking the the authorities. I hated it, so, so much. It hurts me now to think about it. I refuse to have doubts about things in silence, I refuse to distrust my own instincts because pop-psycho-babble tells me to do something that contradicts them.

Enough, sorry for the rant. It wasn't intentional. It's just that I am quite quick at typing (quite) and it means that I type as I think and it comes out all rant-y.

Oh, it's Friday, though. So that's fun. I might have chocolate today, I have to buy some for this guy I work with, because I lost a Simpson's-based bet. Damn.

Oh, and there will still be a house-warming party, but it will be slightly delayed.

I might update later on.

10 Comments:

Blogger Adz said...

Heated Towel rails! Wow - I wish I had that in my house in South London. I guess a sandwich toaster will have to suffice.

Sorry to hear about Mr Man. Don't be put off writing your blog, I enjoying reading it!

1:02 pm

 
Anonymous Paul said...

Seconded.

He can't make your life hell again. We just won't let him.

1:11 pm

 
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I'll cross my fingers for you and your fancy new flat!

About boy who wants to come back and be friends.. whether he's changed or not, it's your decision to let him in ... or not. I was recently asked this by someone who hurt me very badly as well 2 1/2 yrs ago.. but the ick was still there after all this time and since he wouldn't allow me any closure (refusing to talk about it and hug it out then/now) I couldn't let it go and decided it's best we aren't in each other's lives. Don't know if that will work for you or not - you don't have to forgive everyone and, even if you did forgive, you are still allowed to keep a safe distance and keep them out of your life. Good luck w/ that decision, hon!

4:54 pm

 
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Oh my god, a bathroom with heating. I am weeping with envy. I hope that it all works out.

I am so glad that you have written about all this. I am sorry for any part that I had in it. I will be very, very sorry if you don't blog anymore. Perhaps if he really wants to be friends he will do the honorable thing and stay away from your blog. But if it is tainted for you then I completely understand if you don't post anymore. I'll miss you in an internet kind of way.

Hope you have a great weekend :o)

8:38 pm

 
Blogger Bug said...

I've just never understood the Simpsons thing. I know, I know, "IT'S THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE GODDAMN FUCKING WORLD, IDIOT!" but I just don't get it

I s'pose the thing with the previously fuckhead-y boy is, do you think people change? Me, I tend to think that people are how they are, give or take a few quirks or habits, the essentials usually stay the same. But if you think he may actually have downgraded from evil-and-emotional-torture-twunt to generally-just-a-wanker-but-not-THAT-horrendous then maybe you'll be ok

Regardless, I think Paul's got your back! I like your friends (from the comments, anyway), they seem pretty groovy

1:35 pm

 
Anonymous number1hypocrite said...

People like that are like a bad penny; they just keep coming back. You put him out of your life for a reason the last time, so I don't think anything should change.

I, too, had an experience with someone who made my life hell. She turned my life upside down with her lies about me, and the only way I could make it better was to close myself off to her completely. It took me over a year to recover from her, but one can only hope that we grow stronger from life's harder experiences.

Hope all works out with the new flat. I'm crossing my fingers for you!

<3 (platonically, of course!)

2:32 pm

 
Anonymous Angela said...

I don't know if you remember one of my earliest posts about whether or not to write anonymously, but it's these sorts of things that sometimes make me wish I had decided to. I've not yet been approached by anyone in the past who has hurt me in any way, but the fact that I've put myself out there so much would make it very easy for that to happen. I hope that you can deal with this in a healthy manner, and that he can learn to respect whatever boundaries you decide to set. I'm sorry for your many disappointments, and truly hope things begin to look up.

1:06 am

 
Blogger Swedish Girl said...

Oh, difficult, but please, don't stop blogging.

On the theme of cold flats: I know what that's like... In Edinburgh, one of our flats was so cold I wanted to sleep totally submerged under the duvet, geting fresh air through a snorkel.

11:33 am

 
Anonymous Jenny said...

Sorry about the flat. I hope it all works out. As for the rest, it seems like you have good friends to help you through it. We're all here for you, too!

4:01 pm

 
Blogger lady miss marquise said...

Please please don't stop blogging, we would miss you too much!

Am sorry your lovely flat didn't go through, but hopefully it will all be okay in the end.


x

6:02 pm

 

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