I AM A BULL. FEAR ME.

Astrological signs are interesting to me.

On the one hand I think think that star signs are a load of bollocks. In newspapers and magazines they are clearly utter shit. For example:

"Single bulls could friendships suddenly become sexy around the 15th, but all bulls will be extra moony about love - and idealistic about life - around that part of the month. However, make sure you save some energy for the nine-to-five. If there ever was a time to make your career dreams come true, it's now."

('Glamour' magazine, March 2005)

Um, yeah. Knob off, I say. You'll fall in love! Perhaps with someone you know! Or not! Also you will be at work! And thinking about your career path!

I really feel like it is referring only to me. Actually, if I cast my mind back to March 2005 I think I did think about all those things. My God, that Mystical Magical Queen Of The Stars* is a genius.

*some names may have been changed for effect

However, this morning I decided to have a little look at what some typical Taurean traits would be, to see if I matched them.


"The gift of the Taurean is resilience, fixidity and endurance."

Oh, fantastic. Worlds of fun, for me, then.

"...slow to embrace change or mental motivation, but their insights have settled slowly, taking time to mature, and thus carry a strength of permanence that is resistant to superficial movement."

I suppose this is alright, but it's not exactly exciting, is it. Slow and steady. Great. The tortoise may have won the race, but I always felt that the hare seemed to have more fun at the start. All that energetic bounding seems like a brilliant use of energy.

"Although their nature is not aggressive, when locked in combat they possess the ultimate strength - the determination to do nothing at all, except refuse to shift."

The ultimate strength! Cool. I am, admittedly, rarely locked in combat. I'd say not more than twice a week. When I am, though? I am fierce. I say to my opponent "Ah HA! You shall never beat me, for I possess the ultimate strength!" Then I sit on the floor, legs crossed and arms folded, until they get bored and go away. Great fucking superhero I'd make.

Dun-dun-DUUUUUN! "And it is one of the world's most POWERFUL superheroes! A superhero rumoured to possess the ULTIMATE STRENGTH! Yes, it's the Mighty Do-Nothing-Girl! Watch her as she waits for her enemy to fancy a cup of tea or quite need a wee! Now that's impressive, folks!"

"...if a Taurean 'loses it', their instinct is to charge and rage; they display their distress through instantaneous physical destruction, noises and bangs rather than hurtful mental assaults, verbal spears, or the execution of a pre-planned attack..."

Bollocks*.

*You see? That wasn't physical destruction! That was a cutting and sharply-aimed verbal spear! I did just knock over a coffee cup, though, so maybe that's what it means.

"...relationships are important to the Taurean and so is love, though they may shy away from the frivolously romantic, or what they may consider 'sloppy' expressions of love."

Um... 'sloppy'? Do they perhaps mean 'soppy'? Because, to me, the word 'sloppy' conjures up quite disgusting images. This is accurate, then, this bit. Love is important to me, but I would definitely shy away from the sloppiness. Sloppiness is not key in my relationships.

"...they are often marked by their interest in fine clothing, soft silks, rich velvets, jewels and works of art or beauty.."

My bedroom? In my flat? Is lined with rich velvets, has soft silken sheets tossed across the deep, luxurious bed, and glitters with the tantalising promise of jewels embedded in the walls and ceiling. I also dress in very fine clothing (read: I have been wearing the same pair of jeans for the last six months) and like nice pictures.

"In their quest for harmony they will naturally shun the 'ugly', 'cheap' or 'crude', and others may mistake this as pure materialism, but it is an expression of their sensuous natures, through which adornment and refined environments create an extension of their own inner grace."

If you are 'ugly', 'cheap' or 'crude' I will shun you. Do not blame me, for it is merely an expression of my inner grace. I like the idea that I must be kept in a refined environment. Do not sully me with the real world! It's like when Queen Victoria was travelling through the West Midlands she insisted upon having the curtains closed at all times, so as to avoid the hideousness of Coventry and the like. True story. I wonder whether she was a Taurus? Quite bloody right, though, I reckon.

"It is true that they struggle with abstract concepts and this is not a sign that is known for mental agility, lateral thinking or any particular skill in originality and inventiveness."

I do not like this bit. It is not flattering. I invented something yesterday, anyway. It was... something really cool. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

"Taureans are never happier than when putting physical form to their concept of harmony and beauty"

I will grudgingly accept this statement. Although there seems to be a slight air of condescension in the phrase "to their concept of harmony and beauty". I will have you know that my way of perceiving harmony and beauty is THE ONLY WAY, thank you very much.

"Taureans are often accused of being too fixed in their opinions"

Oh.

"Taureans are known for being extremely physical, passionately fond of sex"

I left out the bit that says about how Taureans are not very adventurous and dislike new stuff, because I think this sentence is much, much nicer left as it is. Aesthetically, I mean. I like things to look nice, you know. I am very refined.

"Once motivated to begin a project, they shine through their noticeable powers of endurance and resilience."

Yep, through and through. The only reason I was able to get to the end of this post and though all that copying and pasting was due to my powers of endurance and resilience. You noticed, right? Of course you did.

"More than any other sign, this is one of hidden reserves of power and strength. Of solidity in form and character."

Take note, all ye of whimsical astrological signs. I have HIDDEN RESERVES. You cannot beat me with your spontenaeity and whimsy. I am SOLID. In character. I suspect they are calling me fat when they say that I have solidity of form, but I shall not peer too closely.

This has been a very enlightening study for me. I think that do actually have quite a few of the traits described as being typically Taurean.

Which sort of annoys me.

Well, never mind. I take comfort in the fact that I have the ultimate strength.

What star sign are you? Are you a typical one of those? Do you have any silken things or jewels I could look at? Would you like to enter into combat with me and witness my astonishing strength?

Of course you would. We'll arrange a slot for next week.