Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Diary Entry, August 9th 2006

Dear Diary,

Today my back hurts and I have an inexplicably itchy nose.

My back hurts because when I was nineteen years old and in Australia I took it upon myself to jump off a fifty foot waterfall and I landed funny, crushing the three vertebrae at the base of my spine. I passed out in the water and was rescued by a man with blue eyes and a wooden necklace, and was driven to the hospital by some hippy blokes with an elaborately painted camper van and strange hair.

I lay in a bunk bed for two weeks taking Nurofen by the fistful and being forced to smoke very strong weed by the aforementioned hippies who had kindly taken it upon themselves to look after me. After those two weeks I could stand up for small lengths of time, and so deemed myself fit for making a twelve hour bus journey down the coast, where my friend Jenny was waiting for me. I survived the bus journey by taking painkillers until I passed out, then waking up and taking more painkillers until consciousness buggered off again. I have one memory of that trip, and that is finding a payphone at one of the petrol stations, calling Jenny and just crying and crying.

I had a bruise that went from my shoulder blades down to the backs of my knees, and one covering my whole chest as well. Once during that time I was standing on a beach somewhere in a white string bikini, which is an item of clothing one generally feels fairly self-conscious in anyway, and realising that there was a crowd of people standing behind me whispering. This is a less than comforting thing to suddenly become aware of whilst wearing nothing much at all, but I was relieved to turn around and discover that they were in fact all trying to work out what the hell could have happened to me to create such psychedelic bruising. It is probably wrong in some way that I would prefer people to be staring in horror at my arse because it looks like I have been beaten relentlessly with a metal crowbar than have them staring in amusement because it looks like I have been beaten relentlessly with the ugly stick, but such is the curse of our age.

Since then, though, it has steadily become better and better. There have been couple of moments of back-related agony, like the time I slipped on some stairs and bumped down them on my arse (I went white and nearly threw up) and the time I was in a show at the Edinburgh Festival and woke up one day and couldn't walk, and we had about eight more nights of the show to go (I crawled into a taxi - actually crawled - and went to a physio and then to a chemist), but for the most part it is very well behaved. The doctor said I am 'of good flexibility for a girl my age', which I took to mean 'bendy as hell and probably shit hot in bed' (note the 'probably', I am not having nor have I ever had sex with my doctor), and it doesn't plague me too much.

Sometimes it gets all sore though, Diary. Dagger-stabbing pain. Like on CSI, where you can see the pointy pointy knife ripping through the pink squishing organs, it hurts like I imagine that might. Except without the death, and also without Gil Grissom saying poignant things about The Nature Of The Universe just before the credits. Today it is painful, and I am attributing it to the fact that I wore very high heels twice last week and I usually wear flip-flops. I am also attributing it to the fact that I am all excited about my holiday and the universe is trying to even things up a bit. I hope so much it stops with the stabbing pain before the twenty million brazillion hour flight this weekend.

I have no idea why my nose is itching.

Lots of love


Anonymous Mr Angry said...


I fell awkwardly off a 40 foot waterfall earlier this year, so I know your pain.

Well, actually I don't know your pain because I was fine a couple of days later, despite having an arse like a blood orange.

I can, err, sympathise with your pain.

1:02 pm

Anonymous impish little sister said...

hey mr. léonie head,

sorry you're feeling poorly..

ahhhhh i HATE that word!

love you a lot though


1:06 pm

Blogger Léonie said...

Mr A - Thank you for your sympathy. Also - a blood orange? I... somehow can't picture it.

Imp - I know you hate that word, I am suprised you used it. It would be like me using the word 'egg' of my own volition, which just wouldn't happen.

2:49 pm

Blogger Curly said...

Back injuries are so annoying, what's the point in them?!

Well done for donning the bikini though, despite the massive bruise. I have a Dutch friend who bruised his arse/thigh/entire-leg doing a similar thing, landing awkwardly in the water. He wouldn't wear shorts until we told him to say the bruise was caused by a crocodile that attacked him. He loved talking about his bruise so much, I think secretly he even believed that story himself.

My back-altering story isn't so good. I fell off my bike on some ice, passed out on the road - got up, vomited a lot, Cycled 10 miles to work (bleeding & in agony) and made a mental note to call the Doctor.

That was five years ago, I still haven't seen the Doctor and I still have a painful back.

3:08 pm

Anonymous Angela said...

Oh my goodness people... this is why we shouldn't stand on HIGH UP PLACES from which we could tumble--accidentally or on purpose!!! And I am mocked for my fear of heights and falling from them... tsk tsk.

Also, I would like to say--stunning pictures of you down there! I'm so proud of your technological endeavors. And as gorgeous as you look in couture, I almost have to agree with whoever said that you're even more stunning in your natural state. Pretty, pretty Leonie!

3:10 pm

Anonymous e. said...

Ooo, that's pretty horrific!

The worst bruise I ever sustained was at beach week after graduating college. There were like 80 thousand of us girls packed into a 3 bedroom beach house (ok, seriously? 10 of us!). I was in the Bad Kids' room with four of us in two sets of bunk beds. We were all hanging out on the beach drinking one evening, then stumbled up at round about 4:00 am. We had just settled into bed when my cell phone rang across the room. I temporarily forgot I was on the top bunk and leapt out of bed to retrieve it. I think I shook the entire house on its stilts when I landed. I spent th erest of beach week in my string bikini with a completely black-purple bruise the size of my hand on my hip. I don't have small hands.

Also, I'm sorry your nose itches. I hate that.

4:07 pm

Anonymous Andy said...

Dollops and dollops of sympathy.

Dished out with a spoon.

A nice spoon - none of your cheap rubbish.


4:28 pm

Blogger beau2fulgirllovespink said...

I didn't have an itch on the top of my head until I read this post. And it is now incessant. Sorry, but I have none other than you to blame for that.

And, I'm with Angela. This is exactly the reason I will not, will not, will not jump off a cliff. That sounds like an amazingly sane sentence, but you'd be amazed at how much flack I've received for not jumping off of cliffs into raging waters.

5:33 pm

Anonymous Dr Tom said...

Dear Miss Léoniehead,

Please find attached one prescription for a doctor (make-believe)to be taken ora....Blpaaah ... Too many inuendos ... far too cheeky for family read blog...
Also I was the doctor. I don't mean anyone pretending to be a doctor.
Shall we blame this on the jet lag? I think we shall.
Does jet lag make anyone else think of a lazy plane, or just me?
Can't wait to see you and I hope your back feels better.

9:58 am

Anonymous claire said...

oh my god, that sounds so painful.
this is the first time i've plucked up the courage to comment on your blog, i used to go to high school with your housemate Bec and came to your blog through hers.
You blog fantastically well, always make me laugh and smile keep it up and have a great time in NZ!

10:01 am

Blogger Léonie said...

Curly - I understand, because actually I've only been to the doctor a couple of times, and have never quite worked up the courage to do any proper work on it. Drink through the pain, I think. I did my first aid badge in Brownies, and I think that's what they told us.

Angela - Thanks for saying I'm pretty. The thing is, though, that any external goodness is at once negated by my bitter heart of stone.
You are probably sensible choosing not to stand and/or leap from high up places. I have been less willing since that episode. Apart from sky-diving.

e - How mean is it that I wish I could have witnessed your death-defying (just) bunk bed leap? I like to think that perhaps there was a moment, mid-air, when you thought 'oh, shit' in a kind of resigned manner.

Andy - I thank you for your use of the good spoon.

Beau2ful - Well, now I have an itch on my nose and an itch on my head, which I didn't have before you mentioned it. So I must blame you. Either that or I have fleas. You are another one who is clever not to jump off the big tall things. How come everyone knew about this, apart from me? (Oh, and that Welsh chap.) I must have missed that lesson.

'Dr' Tom - I would love to blame the jet lag, but you have nearly been there a week, and your jokes were just as bad before you left. I will see you

Claire - Thanks for getting the courage up, and thanks for commenting... Oh and also thanks for saying lovely things!

10:46 am

Blogger Rebecca said...

yay! now you know claire! she is totally and utterly wondefully brilliant and was supposed to come to our house warming and we have been meaning to meet up for ages so you guys can meet - my two favourite people (and david) in the whole world. again, yay!!x

11:15 am

Blogger Rebecca said...

oh and i forgot to say a big boo for the nasty back playing up again. maybe chocolate cake would help...? x

11:16 am

Blogger Moo said...

"like the time I slipped on some stairs and bumped down them on my arse (I went white and nearly threw up)"

My housemate did this last week, she however was sick and the bruise is a good un!! Great blog btw. x

12:58 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Ow! That sounds.. ow! And I complain about this tiny little back thing I've got going on and I don't know where it came from.. I hope it gets better chica! Have a great trip!!

11:26 pm

Blogger Annie said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:20 pm


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