Tuesday, December 13, 2005

These are the things I learned yesterday.

  • If you have a back problem that has lain not-quite-dormant for five years, do not take it upon yourself to 'have a good clear out of the stationery cupboard' first thing on a Monday morning, without any sort of warming up, a back brace or tequila of any kind.
  • Crawling around the office whimpering "Anybody? Painkillers? Alcohol? SMACK? Anything?" will just get you largely ignored by most of your co-workers.
  • Do not believe other co-workers when they assure you that 'these drugs are the shit' because they are not strong enough, ever, and will just make you talk a bit funny without dulling the pain.
  • It is scarily easy to be fooled by a South American accent and a prescription packet.
  • Some drinking establishments in London think that a huge day-glo paper fish and a sombrero make appropriate Christmas decorations.
  • You will be disturbed by this. As will Euan.
  • It is ill-advised to pour coffee all over your desk, particularly when there are Important Documents sitting on it, that you are Ignoring because you are reading blogs.
  • It is similarly ill-advised to allow the word 'fuck' to burst out of your mouth so loudly that people frown at you from the other side of the office.
  • If you spill coffee, and it gets on your mouse and mouse mat, ignoring it and hoping it will evaporate does not work. Eventually you are going to have to find another mouse in a dusty corner underneath somebody else's desk and then stand under the hand drier for ten minutes watching with detached interest as bits of your mouse mat melt, and the whole place fills with the smell of the glorious combination of burnt rubber and old coffee.
  • Taking more of the drugs won't help. They will just make you dizzy.
  • Drinking red wine on top of lots of painkillers will cause you to send overly flirty (read: overtly dirty) text messages to the person you happen to be dating.
  • It will be ok, because men, it turns out, do not mind that so much.
  • The day after all of this, you will write a strange post that appears to make no sense, really, and that nevertheless you publish because your brain is so addled by the pain/painkiller combination that it has turned into a huge, day-glo, paper fish.


Blogger birdychirp said...

ah so true. So very very true.

Red wine in the laptop is also bad...

11:33 am

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Sounds like a fun day in the end.

I learnt once never to take painkillers from a friend that has a lot of back trouble as when they assure you that they will work on toothache, they refrain from telling you that they will also make you hallucinate and giggle a lot.

12:55 pm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think im still winning the-spilling-things-on-computers-with-disasterous-effects competition. me or the girl from final destination.

3:35 pm

Anonymous Adrian said...

It will be ok, because men, it turns out, do not mind that so much

Very very amusing.

7:15 pm

Anonymous number1hypocrite said...

I didn't get any of the text messages you sent me.

Maybe I gave you the wrong number?


12:37 am

Blogger lady miss marquise said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:42 pm

Blogger lady miss marquise said...

oh yes *cringes*...

that combination of red wine and drugs given to you by esteemed colleague.
and then the texting. i should definitely not be allowed anywhere near a phone when inebriated...

and i can definitely definitely relate to the coffee on keyboard although i tend to spill water, then have to tip my keyboard over and wait for it to dry out whilst still appearing to be *busy* and not just laughing my head off reading very very funny

4:48 pm

Blogger Jenny said...

Dammit all - my intended comment was going to be the almost mirror image of Adrian's, so instead I will just say very funny and I hope you're feeling better today.

5:41 pm

Blogger Zen Wizard said...

I can't believe your co-workers are so stingy with their drug stash!!

Where is the love??

11:21 pm

Blogger Bug said...

Monkey, the girl on Final Destination DESERVED it just for being annoying!

Léonie, aren't you slightly impressed that your workies have mind-fuzzing drugs just RANDOMLY hanging out in their handbags (or man-bags)? Try wine, painkillers and Red Bull. I did it accidentally and it was fun (but soooo not me using drugs, seriously)(but try it)

11:52 am

Anonymous Adrian said...

Jenny, sorry about that. but it did leave me chuckling.

It's not that it was such a spot on statement, which it was, it was just the way it flowed from the line above.

And being a man, myself, it was just amusing to see the reflection from the other side.

12:03 pm

Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Ooh, the dirty/flirty texts are the best, aren't they? My boy likes them a lot.. Painkillers.. hm..I stick to many tabs of ibuprofen myself.

1:54 am


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